Thursday, March 21, 2013

Hooker Hang-Ups

Given the typically rumpled stumps n’ skin that I sport it is probably no surprise that I am not a big fan of hangers. With stupid hangers horning in all over the place, what good are the backs of chairs anymore? Don’t you think if somebody balder than me took the time to invent handy door knobs all over the house, shouldn’t we take the time to hook stuff onto them.

Closets and the sagging shirts on sticks that populate them are fine for Regular SANE people but given my pink eye, tongue , and Pepto bill,  irregularity IS my middle name. Oh sure hangers are the perfect tool for organized people like my wife who orders her closet by color and a first-in first-out rotating inventory control system. But I on the other hand, only need ‘em to spruce up the reception for my digital T.V. or as a fancy flexible finger to flesh-out those twitches from itches deep down in my britches. 

Part of my problem is that hangers come in too many styles, colors, and materials so my clothes vault looks like a crazy clown party - or perhaps that’s just my personal choice of cheery checkered oversized formalwear. Even though I prefer wood or plastic to hang my hefty habiliment on, unlike metal wire hangers, they are so thick and heavy that they take up more space in the closet than my ‘bull-writing’ shirts and ‘Monteras’ do.  Even when not being worn, if my jodhpurs are jostled they always fall from their proper place of grace when precariously perched on those top-heavy ‘s’ shaped open-sided pants lances.

I admit it though, my prudish and unorthodox hang-ups with ‘hookers’ probably stems from the fact that we purchased our ‘DUMPicile’ from former clothing shop owners, who favored us with crates and crannies filled with the bulky bendy things as a house-warming gift. Their thoughtfulness would be hard to nix if their hanger handouts had not all been scrambled and mis-handled like a twisted mix of pick-up sticks. Anyway who wants to spend days deciphering how to dislodge my duds from THAT mess when any ol’ floor is just so much more convenient than a claustrophobic closet full of dangling triangle-y things!