I dream of a future where robots will pick ticks off my hide
better than that lazy service monkey I put up with, even though he works for peanuts. However I’m a bit concerned
that machines will never be up to basic tasks especially given my negative experiences
with that painful Epilady I shave with everyday. Lately even my rug Roomba has
rejected my advances since its battery has become weaker and meeker as the dirt
on my carpet becomes bleaker and streakier.
It’s true that I’m no ‘shoe-in’ and a little out-of step
with tomorrow’s high tech trinkets. Even easy remotes spook my simple skull and
don’t work all that great when covered in grime and fist-foods that I ate. I also
can’t understand why those motion
sensing lights refuse to react if my elephant carcass lumbers under one, but when
a runt of a rodent dashes past, the thing lights up like an immolating monk? Though
I have figured out how to turn off most digital clocks with a hammer, I am
still perplexed as to why my microwave needs to know the date before giving me one
to heat meat and eat freely.
I’m probably just in a bad mood since I found out that my electronic
coffee pot has a really high fever and feels hot to the touch. Actually I am
pretty sure it has worsening Alzheimer’s since its brain regularly forgets what
it is doing and just stops brewing in the middle of a cycle. Just my dumb luck
– why couldn’t my Pyrex pot be just nuts
or have Parkinson’s disease because then at least I might be able to start the
day with a delicious protein ‘shake’.
I just wish today’s pocket robots required a little less
babysitting as compared to real babies
which actually protest even more loudly when you almost sit on them. It just seems I spend too much time buying bricks of
specialized batteries, software, cables, and compatibility accessories to keep
all of these needy new-age gizmos from getting sick and becoming a burden to me
and the rest of society. Luckily humans are so much less demanding - all they want
is the basics like free healthcare paid for by somebody else, a wing, a prayer,
and a Diet Coke with a Mentos chaser that DOESN’T blow up in your face.
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