I know Thanksgiving is getting close when my Mother starts
turning her ceramic jack-o-lanterns and candle holders around to hide their
faces and reveal their backsides to the world. Don’t worry it is not as
disrespectful as it sounds, it’s just that nobody wants to see legions of
leering Halloween pumpkin pusses glaring and staring back while trying to stealthily
sneak a snack before the big holiday feast. I already feel guilty enough since I
have to violate a frozen turkey’s personal space and literally get under the
thing’s skin with a mixture of herbs, spices, and a warm mayo massage.
A true thanks-giver like me will eat just about any broiled
or baked deceased beast as long as you park those sickly sweet potatoes and
chunky cranberry chutney around back where the slop trough wafts. It makes
sense since portly Pilgrims like me cannot reach the peak of the day until my
belt slips a slot and I have made an indelible impression upon any house guests
and at least one rickety recliner. Yes, there
is nothing like pinching a sofa after a hearty carb-laden meal and a couple of slices
of warm pecan and pumpkin pie.
As far as Thanksgiving traditions go I have never given in to
the ‘football thing’ so in that regard I am probably a bit of a disappointment
to my Father who IS a fan. It’s not
that my family ever expected me to be interested in contact sports anyway since I only wear glasses to read restaurant
menus and newsprint. I just figure that my clan probably hoped for a head
injury to explain my odd behaviors and occasional use of eye make-up to block the
glare from the white caps of whipped cream desserts.
Of course the real meaning of a traditional Thanksgiving
gathering is not entirely lost on me. I know the event means a lot more than
parades, excess caloric consumption, and gadfly gossip about off-centered relatives
and brainless causality arguments over
which came first, ‘the chicken or the maize’. Indeed I always remember to
celebrate and give thanks to what REALLY matters on this special day - an
ad-laden lead-weight of a newspaper brimming over with Black Friday discounts n’
deals!
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