I know Thanksgiving is getting close when my Mother starts turning her ceramic jack-o-lanterns and candle holders around to hide their faces and reveal their backsides to the world. Don’t worry it is not as disrespectful as it sounds, it’s just that nobody wants to see legions of leering Halloween pumpkin pusses glaring and staring back while trying to stealthily sneak a snack before the big holiday feast. I already feel guilty enough since I have to violate a frozen turkey’s personal space and literally get under the thing’s skin with a mixture of herbs, spices, and a warm mayo massage.
A true thanks-giver like me will eat just about any broiled or baked deceased beast as long as you park those sickly sweet potatoes and chunky cranberry chutney around back where the slop trough wafts. It makes sense since portly Pilgrims like me cannot reach the peak of the day until my belt slips a slot and I have made an indelible impression upon any house guests and at least one rickety recliner. Yes, there is nothing like pinching a sofa after a hearty carb-laden meal and a couple of slices of warm pecan and pumpkin pie.
As far as Thanksgiving traditions go I have never given in to the ‘football thing’ so in that regard I am probably a bit of a disappointment to my Father who IS a fan. It’s not that my family ever expected me to be interested in contact sports anyway since I only wear glasses to read restaurant menus and newsprint. I just figure that my clan probably hoped for a head injury to explain my odd behaviors and occasional use of eye make-up to block the glare from the white caps of whipped cream desserts.
Of course the real meaning of a traditional Thanksgiving gathering is not entirely lost on me. I know the event means a lot more than parades, excess caloric consumption, and gadfly gossip about off-centered relatives and brainless causality arguments over which came first, ‘the chicken or the maize’. Indeed I always remember to celebrate and give thanks to what REALLY matters on this special day - an ad-laden lead-weight of a newspaper brimming over with Black Friday discounts n’ deals!