Thursday, December 5, 2013

'EGGS'cellent ODDventure

Despite the gelatinous albumen which stuffs the skull upon my shoulders, I prefer all other fragile eggs in my life to be a little less viscous and fertile, yet heated even harder to a perfect boil. I know some folks like yolks as wet as water, but for me that gooey blob makes me sob as it dampens my spirit as well as my toast. So you can go roe roe roe your boat FAR away and keep your caviar in the car ‘cause no lips of mine find briny slime at all sublime.

Being married for eons means I don’t mix with fresh chicks when I am hungry, so I have been forced to stock up on powdered eggs from apparently mummified dried up featherless fowl. That means my daily diet is limited to ‘Egg Foo Old’ and my pancakes don’t rise quite as high that of decadent dudes destined for Dennys . I don’t mind using the dehydrated dust for baking or just juicing up a ‘Julius’ but believe me the stuff is no joy to juggle and a lot less fun to throw than the wet ovoid others egged-out of a penned hen. 

These days is it me or have all barn birds joined a union to just cough and drop a lot smaller and smaller squat-offerings while still asking for MORE chicken feed as minimum wage?  Even their extra large chicky egg efforts seem still a tad tiny and don’t anoint my toast points like they used to. If these haughty hens want more scratch for what they hatch, then they had better start delivering more double A jumbos instead of those B grade yolk jokes which usually grace my plates.

I wonder why grocery chains have not crossed the road and tossed a laudatory nod to the slightly odd yet largely untapped and uncracked venture market for a GREAT chicken egg substitute. Can’t somebody just ‘cluck’ their fingers and talk shop with a down-on-their-luck ostrich, or coax a few quarts of nog grog from an alcoholic emu or slew, to produce a carton or two of up-sized eggies in fridge-friendly lumber-jack packs?  Only then could I honestly tell my Doc I’m in control of my cholesterol by eating a ONE Egg breakfast - though regardless of size, it had better be cooked to a tough rubber McMuffin instead of a drippy dropped Dumpty!


  1. Here's an idea for getting larger eggs:
    1. Buy your own he. 2. Feed her 5 times a day with the
    kind of fattening food you always eat. 3. Steal the plug
    from a bathtub and "cork up her apparatus until she
    swells up to Grade AA size. 4 After a few days, pop the
    cork and let the Jumbo eggs roll out.
    Let the hen FLY and let those Jumbos FRY.
    Yumbo !

  2. Cadbury cream eggs have a runny yolk, but I bet you'd still like them.