Saturday, October 9, 2010

‘Fatman’ utility knife without the GUANO!

Though I think I learned to read from ‘Baby Huey’ and ‘Sad Sack’ comic books, I also learned a lot from the early days of Batman and his whiz-bang gizmo technology too. Oddly I was never a big fan of Superman but what would you expect from someone whose comic book heroes were Sad Sack and Baby Huey? To my parent’s horror I identified more with ‘Jimmy’ the loser copyboy or even Lois Lane, than the ‘bespectacled’ dual-persona of svelte Clark Kent.

Recently my wife decided to order me up one of those fancy pocket knives that does a lot more than stab things. Lots of those knives do that but few do them well on the bargain end, so surprisingly she bought a genuine Buck knife with a can opener, a pair of screwdrivers, a slide-out pliers, and of course a knife. Now I know you are a bit disappointed. After all, only 5 toys on a pocketknife? Where is the toothpick, the magnifying glass, and the keen, pop-out ‘killer laser ray gun”? I think if you really had a cool crime-fighter knife like Batman might carry, it would at least come with a soup spoon and nail clippers, right.

Well the truth is this is a REALLY quality knife, better than I have ever owned or even need. I am not used to such luxury as I have been raised opening envelopes by hand and tearing into stubborn plastic packaging and steaks with my teeth for years. Even though this knife only does 5 things, it seems to be designed to do them really well. The plier’s jaws actually fit better together than the stand alone pliers in my tool box? The knife edge will literally cut butter effortlessly and the blade does not even need to be hot!

So to make up for my lost youth and latent desires to beat Batman at his own utility belt game, I have decided to carry this knife every day. Consider it my tough-guy ‘homage’ to ‘Billy Jack’ or some other Hollywood on-screen rowdy. Of course I am a little older now so my gut seems to have spread out way past middle age and well on its way to full-blown fogey status. Since my ‘go go gadget’ belt is ‘fat-covered’ and inaccessible these days, I had to move my new knife to where I can get at it easily if I ever meet a rival gang of geezers. Yep, I tied it to the laces of my Dr. Scholls sneakers - right next to the emergency Beano and Pepto Bismol! ‘Betcha’ Fatman wishes he was as SHARP as me … but not quite as gassy!


  1. Yes, MacGyver was top successor to Mr. Wizard.
    My favorite comic book hero was Captain Marvel.
    Best ever: He substituted in a local Playhouse as
    "Henry's Grandmother..." a spoof on the real play
    "Charlie's Aunt." Cap Marvel aees two muggers at work out the dressing room window. He leaps out with no time to rid his Granny wig and goes to help the victim. Pulverizes both crooks and hands them to Cops. Bad guy says: "That was the toughest Old Lady I ever met."

    Wish I could find that issue of World's Finest Comics from the late Forties!

    I pity the Swiss Army however if have to go into battle armed with just those knives. Lucky they never fight, just finance other wars. HAR HAR!

  2. My husband has been having an affair with Batman lately, so I'm sure he would love this knife.

  3. Having an affair with Batman!
    Yikes! That makes him a rival of ROBIN !!!

  4. What is it with those pocket knives, anyway?!! My hubby ALWAYS carries one. A major pain in the ass one day when we had a flight to board and he'd forgotten he had it with him! What did he do? Buried it in a plant at the airport!!! Yeah, he did! When we came back three days later, he went to the same spot, dug it out, and was all happy it was still there. MEN!!

  5. My girls would abscond with that within seconds. That sounds like a fabulous knife. I, too, open things with steak knives and toenail clippers since my girls are kleptos when it comes to scissors or anything of interest.

    But now, how about this problem? The bending over to get to the knife. That one would do me in.

  6. I bet you are always making your family laugh and smile! You crack me up. If I could find a knife with a spoon contraption in it, I might even ask for one of those things. I don't need that Beano, though. My age is creeping upwards, however...but, I guess that is happening to all of us!