Mixed Messages

This has been a tough week for mirth. My brand of blogging is at its best when poking fun at myself or observing absurdity in others in their daily lives. Obviously the Japanese calendar has not been kind recently as both of my sources of ‘fuel’ have been, to say the least, in short supply. I mean even that dumb parrot from the Aladdin movie got fired (or is it ‘gott FRIED’) for being tasteless. Trust me, when frying up parrots, poor taste is not at all that unusual because it’s like the old adage, they DO taste just like ‘CRACKER’.

My first REAL job out of college was with Ricoh Corporation, a giant Japanese multinational corporation. Except for ‘inventory time’, I loved nearly every minute of that work and the people that made the company great. My cadre of ‘handlers’ took great pride in trying to temper my American-bred individualism, intuition, and wide-eyed youth with the methodically measured steel of a Ninja’s best business practice. Sadly my bosses failed miserably, because at the end of my tenure, my golf handicap was barely in the teens and even after two years of night school, my Japanese was still only ‘short bus’ worthy. At the end of the day however, my Japanese counterparts and I DID truly understand and value each other’s respective ways in dealing DIFFERENTLY, with the same problems.

So given my self-indulgent resume, you might now better appreciate my comfort in speaking with compassion, criticism, and comedy all about the same tragic set of circumstances in Japan. The sheer loss of life and family toil repeated a thousand-fold across the country would bring even the hardest boiled egg down to his over-easy knees. No, there is nothing funny about the futility of dropping thimbles of water or shooting a fire truck squirt gun on a raging wildfire. Is Japan not the country with the most robots per capita in the entire world? You would think if that obnoxious bald dude and his handlebar mustachioed Mythbuster buddy can rig ANYTHING with a remote control, then Japan’s best and brightest could do so with a pumper truck or two as well?

I think the whole water option thing has been well tried and tested though since in great measure after the shaking stopped, isn't that the stuff that started this whole mess? It’s time to move on to the serious fire extinguishing alternatives like Mentos and Diet Coke fountains or jello and whipped cream. It also snows quite often in Northern Japan, which rumor has it is just as icy cold and wet as good old fashioned North American snow. You would think we could just set-up a couple of big circus tarps and funnel the white stuff onto the hot parts just like powdered sugar on a fairground-fresh fried Twinkie.

So the moral of this story is in times of unimaginable stress, feel free to mix-up your messages. You can cry, grieve, pray, and try harder than you have ever tried before. You can curse bad luck and praise good fortune, but do what feels right for you regardless of convention. Rarely solutions and solitude are born of political correctness and self flagellation. The Japanese know first-hand that in life, bad things unexpectedly will happen and try to test you. No matter how dark the night seems or how cold the wind blows, sometimes you just have to reach deep, re-group, and throw down the gloves to simply LAUGH in the face of pain – no matter how much it hurts.

Camping never lights my fire

Despite my name being closely associated with the term ‘Camping’, I have not done as much of that activity as you might think. More than most people I enjoy smelling like the burning hair off of Smokey the bear and going to the bathroom in the woods, but I am a bit lazy and camping can be a lot of work.

Now it really shouldn’t be that hard if I would really go out into the forest and try to ‘rough it’ like Bear Grylls or our local hobos. But like most city folks, camping for us involves packing half of life’s modern conveniences powered by propane, batteries, or sweat into a cramped car, and driving hours on end to have FUN. I have to store all of that stuff too so with sleeping bags, pads, back packs, and gear - the entire attic looks like a really lousy Army/Navy store.

I honestly don’t mind camping but most of the time camping doesn’t like me. I am not suited for an activity that by necessity ends at dusk and all the insects and animals silently surrounding me would like at least a little taste of my blood. Except for the obligatory hour of burning marshmallows and getting a face full of wood smoke around a campfire, most of the time everyone heads for the tents when the sun goes down. Of course that is just when I am getting my 2nd wind so I typically will wander off and get lost in the woods and have to fend for myself until morning.

You see what REALLY bugs me that I can only make fire with matches and lighters. My real life quest for fire has included a stainless spoon as a reflector, various friction methods, and even a pair of glasses to make a focal point from the sun; but in the end I always resort to matches or I will be left out in the cold.

Once back at our home, I got a ’bee in my bonnet’ that I needed to learn to ‘make fire’ which is not an easy task in icy 20 degree windy weather. Undaunted, I hacked a tree limb down and made a spindle, a bow with twine, and cut a flat branch to drill into. I tried to use dryer lint for a starter nest and I made a spark and ember but like my love of camping, other than a LOT of smoke, the hard work NEVER lit my fire. I drilled away for close to an hour until my wife glared at me disapprovingly and told me to ‘take those stinky smoldering sticks and get OUT OF THE HOUSE!’ Gee I told you I’m a lousy camper and it was REALLY cold outside.

Make your OWN 'Gump' Fate!

I know it is kind of past its prime but one of my daughter’s favorite movies is Forrest Gump. I am assuming she appreciates Gump’s incredible good fortune despite his limitations, and is hoping that someday Forrest’s 'luckiness' will similarly befall her? Now I don’t know if she noticed, but the 'tree'd one' has his share of bad luck as well, so I hope she’s ready for life’s little unexpected surprises. Maybe it is just me, but also did anyone else notice, that 'Forrest' guy is not really ‘Mensa material’ and cannot seem to see HIMSELF through the trees even if he had bionic vision?

And what’s the deal with Forrest’s Mom, Sally Field, and the chocolates? I don’t think ol’ Gumpy’s mama would not have had a problem with her confection confusion if Forrest had given her a Whitman’s Sampler and maybe a bottle of Boniva. Doesn’t Whitman’s have a guide or something on the box lid of their chocolates? And let’s face it the little flat ‘Stanley’ Whitman messenger guy in the middle, doesn’t everyone really know that can ONLY be milk chocolate? I mean there are no lumps or swirls on it indicating chocolate-covered fruit or nuts - so truly, if you choose the ‘Delivery guy’ - you know EXACTLY what you are going to get.

So what’s the point of all this you might ask? Well the answer is that more often than not, if you work at it a bit, you often can ‘make your own’ fate instead of being subjected to it. With another uneventful Friday the 13th, I usually chuckle that some folks stress over ‘bad omens’ and black cats, yet get excited over horoscope hoopla or positive fortune cookie predictions. Yes, Forrest often literally stumbled into some of his good fortune, but in many examples throughout the film, Gump is also instrumental through his ACTIONS in making ‘good’ luck lean his way.

No I don’t believe you can magically run your way out of leg braces, or make a fortune marketing Gulf shrimp (at least for now). But I do believe that if you concentrate on putting your best ‘Gump’ forward, stay determined, and position yourself to lead rather than follow, you can make the glass MORE than half full. You have to be harder working, willing to take-on more responsibility and yes even work for LESS pay in the short term, but you’ll get noticed and remembered. The next time promotions come up or pink slips go down, your peers will complain over their unbelievable lack of luck. But you’ll know better that not only did you make and deserve the opportunity, but you made your own FORTUNE as well. Gee, I guess I can see why my kid likes this movie so much, because ‘Lucky IS as Lucky’s MADE’!

Multitasking is Taxing

Hey don’t think I lack sophistication just because I am a lowly knotheaded blogger. No, I can ‘demi my doggy tasse’ with the best of breeds if forced to. You may find it particularly revealing that I am probably the last dinosaur in America who owns his own tuxedo that isn’t a lounge singer or Mafia Maitre D’.

Yes, I am a chameleon by nature and over the years it has served me well – at least most of the time. The truth is, that trying to fit a fat square peg into a myriad of skinny round holes all of the time can be taxing. Obviously people like myself are not specialists at ANYTHING and to even keep up with ordinary life requires a lot of perceived multitasking, and for me - whining.

The reality however is that the whole concept of doing more than one thing at a time WELL, is not very realistic. Yes you can answer the phone, watch TV, blog, do a load of laundry, make dinner, read etc. etc., but whether you know it or not, all that stuff takes you a lot more time while attempting to multitask. Your brain is wired to operate serially so every time you pause from one task to start another, no matter how fast you have trained to try, you actually are suffering inefficiencies in thought. The result is slower completion of tasks, inattention, loss of focus, and not unlike a caveman, a ‘harried’ life.

So avoid the stress and experiment for yourself by cutting down on a few of those juggling balls that you’ve got in the air. Nobody will think you have lost your ‘edge’ just because you cannot sing opera and chew gum at the same time. You can still be a sophisticated high-society ‘deb’ and a closet blogger; you just cannot do it all at the same time. I know, I’ve ruined your long established beliefs and clearly I must be possessed by the devil? So for you 'single-tasker' athiests, I have linked a great article from the Harvard Business Review which lends a little fuel to my fiery thoughts. Gee I never noticed those horny bumps on my head before – maybe that’s why I’m a knothead?

Unfinished Vision - NEVERMORE!

Remember that cliché “a picture is worth a thousand words” . . . well, what do you make of this digital snap of a broken mechanical raven that I recently bought. To me, it is a PERFECT illustration of my ‘personal best’, when it comes to procrastinating and never finishing things that I start.

Don’t worry, I haven’t warmed up the noose yet, nor am I suffering a flashback Poe incarnation binging on alcohol, self pity, and despair. No, fear not, I am still fully engaged, as much as these old loose gears can be of course. I just happen to recognize that my principle failing in life, is not the things that elude my expertise, but actually the things that I CAN do well, but fail to follow through on and complete.

Call it laziness, boredom, disinterest, or a combo of all three – it doesn’t matter. The point is in life, if you want to REALLY succeed, you need to see your vision through and fairly quickly. You can have all the great ideas and a trunk-load of unmatched skills and abilities. But like speaking or writing, if you never finish your sentences, then only a precious few outsiders will ever understand what you are trying to say.

That does not mean that your vision must be small or quickly achieved simply to benefit others. On the contrary, the most satisfying of ultimate goals may take a lifetime of personal growth and experimentation to fully blossom. However it is developmentally critical that you have built in ‘markers’ or stages within your vision to track your personal progress. Don’t fall prey to having grandiose ideas and far-reaching goals without a plan of where you have been, and how far is yet to go before reaching that next evaluation marker.

So what’s the story with that dumb dead raven? Well he only cost a buck at a garage sale, so honestly as a metal sculpture alone, I was satisfied that I had met my first value marker. Next I’d like to rig up a new stepper motor and see if I can get the wings and mouth to flap again. There should be enough time between now and Halloween. Yep, ‘once upon a midnight dreary’ given my track record, this cold crow should warm up and ‘caw’ again somewhere around late 2025!

Adult Diapers – Duty Calls

Can we talk privately for a minute? What would you do if you HAD to wear an adult diaper? No don’t worry, that LAST piece of my Missouri dignity still seems to be intact, unless of course I eat too much roadkill stew. It’s just that today I had to take leave of my ‘blog-droppings’ to RETURN some super DOOper, Depends adult ‘diapies’ to a Target store, and it got me thinking.

I know I know, it is a bad idea when I start to think, but believe me when you have to stand in front of a cash register lady and sheepishly hand over not one, but TWO packs of ‘panty hampers’ you’ll be trying to think, OF ANYTHING ELSE too! Couldn’t the stupid things be colorless white like normal underwear, rather than powder blue and pale pink WITH FLOWERS. I’m telling you, anytime I have been around diapers in the past, I may have been thinking I was in a field, but it was definitely NOT filled with fragrant flowers.

This whole thing started because of my wife’s air race adventure a couple of weeks ago. You might recall that originally she was scheduled to fly a very slow aircraft more than 2400 statute miles across the country. As a precaution, the crew decided to carry these ‘load-bearing bloomers’ rather than risk a mid-air explosion.

As luck would have it (for the pilots) the slow plane was replaced at the last minute with a very fast aircraft. I guess that karma caught up with me too, since inexplicably my duty became to dump the empty undies back at the store. Yes, I’ve been promoted from the race team’s dedicated ‘blogmaster’, to the adult diaper delivery boy, all in one day. Oh goody, the BOTTOM must be getting really close now!

Dirty Work Sacrifice

Can somebody explain to me the science behind, why my house and windows get so filthy all of the time. This dump is like having a little baby again that needs to be pampered and preened every day. Actually, just like when I had a baby, I don’t even care if they TRULY are dirty, as long as it doesn’t show to the casual observer.

I especially hate working on the computer in the early morning when magically the sun will come up and scare me. No I am not a vampire, though as a blogger the similarity can be confusing; it’s just the rising sun at an acute angle, hits the windows just right. This of course, while signaling my primal need for caffeine, also dramatically highlights the rivulets of dirt, grime, and bird strikes on my home’s wall of windows.

I know I sound like a royal whiner but you have to understand, to remedy my castle’s need for clean crenulations – well it requires a lot of work. I will have to push the special doorbell that I installed into my daughter’s dungeon suite so that she will come out when I need her. I will have to show her where the soap, ladder, catapult, and pressure washer is. Then I may have to wait upwards of a WHOLE FORTNIGHT to finally receive ‘instant gratification’ that only sparkling parapet windows and siding can provide.

Lest you forget, I am from the dark underbelly of medieval society that forages for ideas and humorous asides from other people’s leavings, leftovers, and misfortunes. I don’t actually DO anything – I’m kind of like that irritating reminder of yesterday’s gruel left on your table plates - AFTER they’ve been cycled in the dishwasher. I hang-on long enough to needle YOU into action, but escape your ‘fingernail justice’ just-in-time with a light rinse under the tap. Yeah like my windows, it’s dirty work. But I'm happy to sacrifice myself (or more appropriately my kid), in the name of science and have the chance, to cleanly live-on to WRITE another day!

Frying Pan Opportunities – Don’t knock it!

I had a great time last night. I was invited to attend a BBQ / bon-fire with some of my robot-creating colleagues. Actually that is a fancy way of saying that some techno-geek students and their parents had me over to engage in two of my most favorite activities - ‘playing with fire’ and eating charred meat! Many in this gang have put up with my family for years and willingly subjected their children to my warped influences and pickled pinhead.

Beyond the food and the obvious camaraderie that only informal parties can bring, I looked around and was impressed at our motley collection of TRUE individuals. How can all of these lucky people be in this one tiny gathering? Each one, young and old, ALREADY have chalked up endless experiences and will continue to face countless future opportunities if embraced when least expected. Amazing – not a bum in the group (well ok, maybe one bum, but as long as I blog nice things I could stay).

Conversation included wide ranging topics such as firing machine guns for recreation to collecting Hot Wheels and classic toys. We pondered autism to speech therapy; cake-baking to the best marinade for chicken wings. After admiring the huge hunk of wood that fueled the bon-fire, naturally the topic turned from cutting down big trees without dying, then on to making homemade root beer, wine, and money on the internet.

As I drove home, my mind was reeling with a myriad of ideas, new interests, stuff I wanted to read, learn, try and obviously write about. This iconic handful of common everyday people, who each of us know and interact with daily in our own lives, are teeming with meandering opportunity. Who knows what the next ‘BIG’ idea will be or who will design, write, or sell it to the masses for billions? Even at play our lives are filled with these untapped reserves of opportunity at literally every turn. So the moral is don’t be afraid to learn and try new things with new people. It’s quite easy really. . . Just stop playing with the fire and jump head-first right into the frying pan.

McBlogger Pilot

Ok just so you don’t think I am a lifeless vampire who never leaves the confines of my bat cave to blog, I actually took a little road trip yesterday. Yes I drove 160 miles one way to track down my wife who is flying all over the ‘right’ half of the country in an air race.

I am not complaining as it was nice to get away from my hutch and see some of the countryside in full summer bloom. Fortunately the air conditioning in the car was working though as it was just plain sweaty hot everywhere I went. I found the wife under the plane studying bug stains or something pilots have to worry about. She was airing out the cockpit and herself as the crew flies ‘ventless’ to increase airspeed. So that’s why all those egocentric pilots think they’re so ‘ HOT’.

I took lots of photos and we got a chance to chat for an hour or so while the airport fueled the beast and the crew waited for favorable tailwinds between Chicago thunderstorms. It was actually a pleasure to pay $250 for fuel this time since the credit card company midway through the race DECLINED the card. They had suspected fraud because how could somebody be using the same credit card in 4 or 5 states in less than 24 hours? It is not so hard to do when life literally ‘flies’ by!

After the wife and her partner took off and buzzed the tower to officially start the race clock, I got back in my much slower and delightfully chilly car. Shortly thereafter, I drove to a local McDonalds to upload my pictures and post to the air race blog. I kind of liked the different atmosphere of sitting in public, looking out the McWindow while I typed. It feels strangely liberating to be free and wireless in a foreign place but doing very familiar things – sort of like a pilot only a lot COOLER!

FIRST LOOK – Air Race Postcard

To the three or four of you who actually visit my blog daily, you may remember that my wife T, was about to embark on a 2100 mile air race this week. Yeah this little buggy ride will take her and her partner on a circuitous jaunt from Central Florida to the Western Missouri border and then back to Eastern Maryland.

Well RACE DAY IS HERE and begins today at 0800H EDT from Ft. Meyers, Florida. The plane is prepped and the routes are planned. Now everything depends on weather and a healthy dose of GOOD MOJO. I know my wife is serious about this thing because I got a note today, that to reduce weight, she is shipping a bunch of clothes back and an empty computer case. I wisely did not mention that if she stopped eating and went to the gym once in awhile, she could have reduced weight too.

So what’s the deal, are the pilots and their laptop just going to fly around naked for the next 4 days? No I doubt it as I am sure my wife kept a few duds that she can wash the stink out in a hotel sink along the way. Oh sorry, you probably thought flying small planes was all about the romance of soaring in open blue skies as free as a bird. Well forget it. Not only in an air race, but for most of the time in little planes, somebody or something is always in your way these days. You always have to be mindful of the weather if not now, a half hour down the route and it can be VERY unforgiving. Particularly in a race, the pilots will probably close their cabin cooling air vents to decrease drag and will run the engine to peak performance – both are ‘hot’ propositions but not in the ‘cool’ sense.

So yes, unless Mother Nature steps up to throw a monkey wrench in our plans, this should be quite a show over the next few days. The pilots will post live during the race to their blog, and I will post photo updates regularly during each day of the race as well. By tradition whenever ‘T’ flies in one of these charity races, we produce a postcard for the team to carry, sign, and give away in the host cities and airports. As you may remember we had a late plane change this year, so I am very behind in my media production duties.

So consider this your back stage pass into air racing, because other than the pilots, you are the FIRST to see this postcard artwork as it heads to press. Enjoy, and if you have a few extra nickels left in your piglet bank for charity, please consider donating to Wings of Hope. Uh,yeah we borrowed a few hundred gallons of their fuel and it's my guess, they are hoping that we might pay them back? Cheers!

NEVER go to the light

Right off the bat, I really want to know who started this popular sentiment that ‘going to the light’ is a good thing? What if a raging fire is making all of that light, did you ever think about that? Unless you are the Devil, I just do not think it is responsible parenting to tell your kids to walk into fire. As far as I can tell, every time I personally have undergone a police grilling or got near brightly lit and shiny stuff, it always has cost me one way or the other.

I mean look at jewelry stores. They are filled with fancy little hot lights and shiny shimmering stuff. I have to be buzzed into these places which are surrounded by bars and video security. I don’t know about you, but that feels like JAIL to me, not a luxurious and relaxing shopping experience. Even if I do make it out without physical pain, there still is that little matter of a pricey trinket or bauble I will have to pay off in a month. Just like Sterling Silver, $7.99 plus tax doesn’t grow on trees you know.

I think this notion of going towards the light was probably started by an antisocial ‘flim-flam’ gnat up to no good. Yeah, like some lame senior prank, that rogue bug spread the word that the closer one flies to the light the better your buggy-life will be. But just as Icarus of legend learned so deftly, even when over-confident and giddy bugs cozy up to those hot lights, they often get burned too.

So I think it is safe to say, regardless of what anyone tells you, NEVER go to the light. I know we’ve all been taught to see the glass half full and Pollyanna is perhaps the greatest movie of all time. But I must urge you to even avoid that tempting ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ philosophy. More often than not, once you make to the end, you’ll find just a bunch of lost illegal aliens with a really bright Maglite flashlight . . . and a lot of dead bugs stuck to it.

Plane talk about Air Racing

Ok folks, I usually try to post any serious hard news stuff on the overnight feed. But today I temporarily reversed the trend since I wanted to make sure that those of you who refuse to get up before Noon would take a gander at this post. This is longer than most of my stuff so don’t get whiney after an extra paragraph or two.

My wife is about to head down to Fort Meyers, Florida to participate in the annual Air Race Classic. This is the oldest aviation race exclusively for women pilots. Its origins are from the 1930’s when Amelia Earhart was buzzing the country in what was then dubbed the Powder Puff Derby. My wife’s team has a temporary FAA designator as “Classic 47” and I will maintain their blog at this link. The 2010 race will take place on June 22nd through June 25th and will move from Florida up to Georgia, over to Alabama, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, West Virginia, and then finally end in Frederick, Maryland.

Now ordinarily I would have announced the race website about a month in advance as there is a lot of interesting preparation that takes place with the plane and pilots. But this year, we have been incredibly swamped trying to make a 1953 Piper Tri Pacer race ready. But no matter how hard we tried, every time we pushed the little plane to the next level, something else would throw us a curve. Due to a unique seat design in the Tri Pacer, my wife and I developed three versions of rudder pedal extensions to allow better tail-end coordination. As soon as that was perfected, our radio was picking up noise at the control tower. From there the vacuum pump needed replacement, then the plane seemed to be running a tad hot on the manifold pressure and on it went.

Sadly, the team came to the reality that while we could work to keep the plane safe on our own turf, it is a much taller order to do so flying 2000 miles from home. So literally at the last minute (yesterday), just 3 days before the pilots and plane need to report to Florida – we pulled the plane from the race. Yes it took a little work, but we quickly filed the paperwork, insurance, and immediately began preparing an alternate and ultra modern aircraft as a substitute race plane. While it is a testament to our sponsor, Wings of Hope and our pilot team’s dedication it is also a little sad. We really wanted to run this particular Tri Pacer because it was country music star, Roy Clark’s first airplane and the OLDEST plane to attempt the race.

So the race is STILL ON and my wife and her partner are ready to go. If you get a chance, check-in on the team blog to see where Classic 47 is on the map and whatever interesting pictures they have captured along the way. If you live close enough by to visit one of the airports, you may be in for a treat as the planes buzz the field with a low-level fast pass over the official timers station. Depending on weather, fuel stops, and individual plane range, you may also get to see the race planes and meet the pilots up-close along any of the race legs. Check out this link for the Air Race Classic official 2010 airport stops.

Both at the race start in Fort Meyers, Florida and the race terminus in Frederick, Maryland, the crews and planes will be on the ground for extended periods of time. Usually there are festive events happening around the airport and it is a good chance to see some living history for the whole family. If you catch a glimpse of Classic 47 on the ground, introduce yourself to my wife. And while your at it, pick up a bug sponge and clean up the leading edges on the Wings and prop – it’ll make the plane fly faster!

'EX' Extension Cords

Yeah I have a love hate relationship with extension cords. When you need one, they are your best friend because while bathing, it is almost impossible to get the toaster close enough, for hot fresh toast without one. But other than that, most of the time they are bulky, hard to store, and always tripping me up. Let’s put it this way – I will never marry an extension cord no matter how titillating the tingle or how electric our connection seems to be.

My number one pet peeve with electrical cords are the ground plug and the polarized holes at the end of the cord. First off, whenever I plug something into that little surprised face at the end of the cord, I feel a little guilty. You probably would look shocked as well if somebody shoved some metal electrified prongs in your eyes and mouth too? Second, by the very nature of a polarized plug, one blade of your appliance will be wider than the other. You would think by odds alone, I would attempt to plug the thing in correctly at least half the time. Don’t bet on it.

The reality is that I NEVER get the plug right and properly oriented the first time. I will push and push on the plug trying to make the fat blade go into the skinny hole. My wife will stare in amusement as this scenario is repeated by me dozens of times per month. I am sure I remind her of the ‘slow’ kid who keeps PUSHING IN on the one way swinging door which reads ‘OUT ONLY’.

I get tired of storing these bulky orange garage extension cords too. I coil them up like snakes, wrap them in paper like fish, pile them up like … well you name it, but they are always a pain. Even when I KNOW and can see that a wormy extension cord is present, it will trip me up and tangle in my feet. I have become so gun-shy now, whenever I approach an unfurled cord, my pace and demeanor takes on the careful tip-toed persona of a diamond thief. Yes I admit it, I will likely continue to be menaced by these evil cords until they probably kill me. Like all electricity, and any bad marriage, my extension cord goal is to simply avoid contact, and hence eliminate the need for a messy, painful divorce. Because sadly, as many previously married folks know, you rarely can have an EX without TENSION!

Needy Paradox

I have never owned a big boat but someday I would like to. Yes I know everyone says that the best days of boat ownership are the day you buy it and the day you sell it. I believe that’s humorously correct, but I also believe, THAT POINT is true for most things when you are human. Humans are inherently never satisfied. If they have shoes, they will eventually want a skateboard. If they have a reliable food source, they will always want more variety of foods. If they have a hut, they will eventually want a bigger hut than their neighbor PLUS a 3-skateboard garage.

The human paradox is, no matter what the ‘IT’ is, as soon as the perceived need is satisfied - it actually ISN’T. Now I know that seems as if I missed the point – the premise is that owning a boat is a lot of hassle after the fun wears off. I actually do get it. However, I simply think we are too quick sometimes to blame the OBJECT of our affections for our unhappiness rather than ourselves. More often than not, if we dig deeper beyond the emotional surface, regardless of the problem, the REAL ‘blame’ for negativity and dissatisfaction will be mostly with OURSELVES.

Most people will instantly reject the discomforting thought that family and friends too, fall along the same logic thread. It has been quite awhile since it was fashionable to consider people as mere objects. But syntax aside, the odds are high that you have chosen your friends and mates, beyond superficial camaraderie, because they fulfill some important need in your life. Yes just like those old smarmy dramas so often proclaim, your spouse actually DOES ‘complete you’. The hard part of these ‘developed’ relationships is to learn how to successfully balance between your needs and the needs of your loved ones.

Obviously every time you get a little antsy or distracted, you can’t simply discard your family and friends like that sporty floating ‘albatross’ you bought last year. Fortunately, people are much more complex and interesting than most objects. People continue to grow, change, and re-fresh constantly (assuming they will bathe once in awhile). Unlike THINGS, people actively interact within the environment around them, learn from their experiences, and usually get a little better with age. As we get older we are perceived wiser and more responsible because we temper our emotional highs, lows, and needs a bit. We are more self-assured, settled, and often choose to focus on the needs of others more, than those of ourselves. When we are young and impetuous, our needs are extreme and life is challenging, wildly unpredictable, and yes, necessarily selfish.

So when evaluating your newest needs or lamenting last year’s moment of weakness to possess that once big, beautiful, and perfect SOMETHING, remember the paradox. Another thing better will ALWAYS follow. That does not mean to endlessly wait, put your life on hold, and avoid life’s every risk, decision or significant relationship. It simply means to make THE BEST CHOICE when you are ready and don’t forever second guess that decision. Don’t blame others in your life for your dissatisfaction. You ALONE are ultimately in control and responsible to find a way through life’s maze and be happy for what you have MADE, with what you have. Ok, that’s MY LAST WORD on the subject but don’t tell my wife … I’m sure she’ll have a few more choice ones of her own on that boat idea!

10,000 steps

Just about every wellness program known seems to include some sort of a provision for walking. Most of them have settled on the idea that 10,000 steps is about enough to get you on the road to good health habits. Now I know from experience, that number seems totally unachievable especially if you sit around all day at a computer. But happily I am here to tell you that it takes only surprisingly LITTLE extra effort to achieve this goal and feel a little better about your personal health.

Now before you accuse me of trying to kill you, I know all the books say check with the doctor before starting any new exercise program. But hey folks, I am talking about WALKING here not digging ditches or chasing kites in storms. Call your mom, Rabbi, or that freckled kid who packs your bags at the supermarket – all of them will tell you that a little walking never hurt anyone. Anyway, you have to trust me on this, it is considered poor blogging etiquette to kill off your readers unless it is through boredom – then that’s actually quite normal.

So assuming you’re still alive and are willing to up your health ante a tad, probably the easiest part of doing 10,000 steps is to do NOTHING DIFFERENT for the first few days. Grab your pedometer and record how many steps your normal routine consists of currently. You will probably be surprised because even sedentary people tend to walk 3,000 to 4,000 steps a day. Now mind you half of that is back and forth between the refrigerator, but let’s think positive and realize that you are already well on your way! My normal routine was just under 5000 steps per day. Now it did and DOES take effort to double my activity rate daily. But oddly, a trip to the market here, or a window shopping mall excursion in the afternoon – it is amazing how fast the steps build up.

The goal is to INCREASE your activity so don’t beat yourself up if you never reach 10,000 steps consistently – do things that interest and motivate you first and then slowly incorporate more movement and walking in your normal routine. By working in the garage with my wife over the weekend, I generated more than 1200 steps in less than an hour. Remember, most of that is just puttering and organizing things – it’s fun, not stressful work or evil exercise. Seek out walking ‘missions’ that you and your family can do together. We sometimes pick berries off a beaten path at the park, or other times we may just take a quickie hike around the neighborhood. Whatever the minor goal, it is better than just sitting around and staring at a computer screens all day. Hmmm but what if I walked BETWEEN computer screens all day? Wow this 10,000 steps dealy is easier to achieve than I thought!

Celebrate Early, Late, & OFTEN!

Well if there’s anything that I love more than saving loads of cash and finding excuses to celebrate, well let it stand up or forever hold its peace. Uh, ok … I guess family deserves more love; and friends too; yes – I love eating … Oh C’mon, I’m trying to make a point here! Like most people, I look forward to all the fun holidays (and a few more) every year, but all that celebrating can dip into the dubloons if you’re not careful.

This problem has hit home because we deal regularly with lots of different organizations and their event calendars. We also, like everyone else, have all the recurring birthdays, holidays, and greeting card days which never seem to end. The goal is to try to ‘plan’ early for any event so as not to get caught off guard at the last moment. Late shopping and treasure hunting to find ‘just the right thing’ for a party that is a day away is not only a DOWNER, but it is downright stressful and expensive.

So my solution is fairly simple and that is to plan and purchase for your events as EARLY as you can, and whenever you are able, celebrate those stock holidays a few days LATER than their actual calendar date. Before you accuse me of being an anarchist or a cheap Grinch - hear me out. You may already be doing this anyway for your family birthday celebrations but just don’t think about it? How many times have you put off your kid’s birthday party until the weekend because it will be easier scheduling. Isn’t that always MORE FUN for your kids since they can stay up later and enjoy a more relaxed homework schedule? I know a lot of you choose to open Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve too. The earth hasn’t shaken itself to a stop yet, so I think it is safe to say, you are free to experiment with your celebration calendars without fear.

Especially for the costly celebrations which are fixed dates like Christmas, Valentines day, birthdays, etc. – if you buy a lot of your consumables early on sale, you literally can save enough to pay for MORE SWAG for yourself or your favorite charity. Compare prices AFTER Halloween, Christmas, or Easter and how cheap all the decorations, tableware, and even popular gifts become. Retailers always will attempt to sell at deep discounts rather than ship and store all that stuff for the following year.

Now don’t blame me if you carry my advice too far and try to pass out year-old Halloween candy. After the neighbor kids break all their teeth on your old nasty, rock-hard and chalky Reese’s cups, you WON’T be loved. Your own kids will also NOT appreciate getting Chaunakah and Christmas gifts sometime around Mardi Gras so don't be a 'bead brain' and use common sense. The idea is to PLAN and shift the expensive parts of celebrating to FIT YOUR schedule and budget – not the greeting card company's calendar. Try it. If your kids are young, they will hardly know the difference and if they're old - then make 'em chip in with their own Social Security check. Who knows, you may save enough to throw yourself another birthday celebration? But skip that pesky 'AGING' part of the tradition – all those candles are EXPENSIVE!

Phonetic HOME

Well once again my wife’s car needed care and feeding at the car shop. I swear that car thinks that it is a little baby, so if it whines enough it will garner attention. Yeah that worked out well with our kid too – as soon as she would cry we gave her to her Nanny to ‘fix’ her. In the end, both the car and the kid seem to work fine, but I am always waiting for that next interesting tactic to manipulate me into submission.

Anyway when the car is finished, the mechanic shop will always call me and send a car if I want one. I usually decline and walk the 3.5 miles since I’m nothing if I’m not green. No I’m not a Martian but walking is more interesting and obviously the better choice if you have the time and it is not hailing cats and dogs. The hike takes about an hour unless I am really trying to make time. Especially on the hills, my mind wanders to keep myself from remembering I CHOSE to skip a nice air-conditioned chauffeured ride. But soon, I become distracted by the hundreds of cars buzzing by all with license plates.

These plates intrigue me because they are 6 to 7 digits long in most states and difficult to memorize in a fleeting glance as they pass me by. It always seems in police dramas or crime shows that someone is victim to a speeding car but they cannot ‘remember’ the license plate number. Well that is where the phonetic alphabet comes in. You’ve already heard it – it’s that ‘cop talk’ that defines an unmistakable word in place of a letter on a license plate? Pilots too use the phonetic alphabet all the time to identify aircraft so letters like ‘F’ and ‘S’ don’t get confused over sketchy radio communications. It is also easier to remember “Foxtrot Sierra” rather than ‘F S’ when you are trying to quickly scan and REMEMBER license plates.

So try it yourself or teach your kids the phonetic alphabet and have them practice memorizing random license numbers or any letter combination at home. Say the letters out loud and repeat the phonetic combinations so they become second nature to use rather than the old fashioned way. Your kids will feel like they are in a real Spy Kids movie and if you’re lucky some of that training will register deep in their brains for when they may need it. Just think how far ahead they will be if they grow up to be rich movie star cops, pilots, or even car mechanics. Yeah my car guy told me to bring lots of money or else I won’t be driving my wife’s stupid car ‘Hotel – Oscar – Mike – Echo’ tonight. Oh well, there’s always walking?

A = alpha B = bravo C = charlie D = delta E = echo
F = foxtrot G = golf H = hotel I = india J = juliet K = kilo
L = lima M = mike N = november O = oscar P = papa
Q = quebec R= romeo S = sierra T = tango U = uniform
V = victor W = whiskey X = xray Y = yankee Z = zulu

Nutty Management

I am a big fan of positive motivation. Oh sure you can yell and intimidate to get what you want – for awhile. But eventually that kind of management will catch up with you as employee turnover, quality problems, and lack of trust issues will increase. These poisons in turn decrease overall productivity and, for all but the most hardened Scrooge, will lead to high blood pressure and stress for yourself and your staff - who needs it?

So generally as business pressure increases, I have always considered it my job to try and find ways to turn DOWN the heat a little yet still get the work done. In all jobs, you can generally find ways in your down time to make the job atmosphere more pleasant if you will look and be creative. Now don’t get me wrong, there are situations and certain job environments which you cannot significantly manipulate artificially. Professions like emergency doctors, Air traffic controllers, cops, fire fighters etc. are in this category. As a rule, those jobs are inherently stressful but driven by external demand, not internal motivation by bossy bosses and middle managers.

Fortunately in my past work experience, I have never had a job that people’s actual lives depended upon. So if I made a mistake or I missed a deadline, nobody died - my teacher would just send me nasty notes with ‘unhappy’ faces on them. I used to handle a lot of containerized traffic for office machines, so I had a lot of warehouse people for parts and finished goods handling. I knew their jobs were relentless and hard so I depended on them greatly to keep product moving from production lines to trucks, trains, ships – you name it. So aside from visiting with them regularly and trying to make sure they knew they were appreciated as the circulatory system of the company, I would look for tangible ways to reward their effort as well.

I have preached the values of small chocolates as an effective ‘thank you’ motivator before. But with a big warehouse doing big jobs, I needed BIG chocolate - not those wimpy packages of snack size bars. So I raided a local convenience store and relieved them of their ENTIRE stock of 1 pound sized giant Mr. Goodbars. Now everyone loves that candy with loads of peanuts surrounded by fantastic Hershey’s chocolate. This was a TRUE reward to receive something that few if any of my workers would ever buy for themselves.

At break time, I took a little time and thanked everyone for their hard work and proudly handed out those nutty chocolate bars. For a very reasonable investment, I could see by their positive reactions that they were surprised, happy and felt appreciated by my personal acknowledgement of their devotion to the company. I went back to my office without a care in the world and with a little extra spring in my step . . . for a minute or two. Unbelievably, that local convenience store apparently NEVER rotated candy stock. My phone was ringing off the hook with supervisors fending off unhappy warehousemen armed with WORM INFESTED chocolate bars. So much for GOODbar intentions – that candy was clearly anything but good. Turns out this is the case with many harvested nuts and nut-based candies that are not stored properly? I re-gained the workers trust of course as I replaced the chocolates quickly. But with my bosses, it took some time to live down my reputation of trying to poison the factory’s warehouse operations with my ‘nutty’ management technique.

Inventory control

We deal with quite a few different charity groups. It is enjoyable work and the friends and the generous people we have met, make it all worthwhile. Depending on the group, we have recurring activities which may happen every month or two (like a potluck) all the way to large scale events that happen yearly. Each event or project usually involves some type of consumable, publication, give-away, tool, sign, or paper. All of these things obviously require counting, storage, expiration control and inventory access.

Having inventory always makes me happy though most businesses and accountants hate the stuff. I know somebody has to count it all, maintain insurance and reasonable care to ensure its safety and it is a hassle to move around. Many times that task falls upon me because I want to do it. I feel a little more ahead of the game when we can save and re-use stock rather than always buying new – as long as we can find the stuff. To help with that chore we keep lists of each organization’s assets and box their stuff all together. In between the rafters in the garage attic, I have labeled each open space with a location number. Whenever we box up goodies, they get assigned a space and hopefully even when I soon forget what and where I have, the inventory control list will not fail me.

We don’t have a large enough family to consume food at a rate to completely rotate stocks. So while I do not maintain months of food stores, I do try to always have more than one of just about anything I might need. It will frustrate me greatly if I am missing condensed milk or something like that. The next time I go to the store I will buy two of the missing item even if I do not use it very often. The real danger in business as well at home is when you start hoarding TOO much stuff ‘just in case’. The more goods you store, the more stuff you lose physically or due to expiration, so it is a balancing act on what is an appropriate amount of anything you stock.

Except for food we try to keep inventory based on its expected useful life. Even if one of our non-profits has a box of tape in reserve but they have not used it in 5 years, it may be subject to disposal. New tape should be budgeted for on the next project even if we HAVE inventory. The reason for this is when stock is not used, such as adhesives, paper, plastics etc. – they will all degrade in performance over time. As for food, you should always use First in First out (FIFO) for safety and best flavor quality.

You can even apply these methods to used stock, or garage items. Date or color code when you purchase any consumable thing. Fertilizer and seeds might be noted as having a 6 month shelf life. Gasoline and glue may be a year. Other chemicals, tape, and paint may be good for 3 years or so. A couple of times a year check your inventory for ‘useful’ life. If an item is due for disposal and you haven’t used it, you can either, throw it away, give it away, or sell it at a yard sale. Obviously you can always re-tag it if you feel it has additional useful life. But from my experience, if you are not using fresh stock regularly it will go bad when you DO need it. Often it is far better to just NOT stock short shelf life products at all and buy them new for the next project. See that’s not so hard. Now go count your FRIENDS instead of all that stuff piling up in your garage; but never ask them their expiration date – that’s RUDE!

New and improved

Those three words ‘new and improved’ almost never REALLY mean that. In fact when I see that on a package, my stress level goes up because I know I am in store for a lot of work ahead. This is primarily because manufacturers often like to mess with packaging by making product physically bigger or fatter, but in the end, they put less of the thing in the package so the total quantity goes down. I want to use products that I know because I do not have to keep going back and recalculating price to product ratios.

I particularly hate messing with paper products. It seems like every day toilet paper and paper towels have discovered a new and better way to absorb water or … uh whatever. REALLY? I mean how many ways are there really to suck up liquid. What’s next, each paper towel comes with its own straw and you sit there and suck up the spills yourself? Yeah why not – It’s certainly new and should work just fine. You know if you hear the code words ‘super soft’ or ‘thick and absorbent’, - it may be technically true, but you are only going to get about 10 tissues out of the puffy box with flowers on it and have to take out a loan to pay for it.

Canned goods seem most often to leave quantities alone and just raise the price when they need to. That’s probably because kids are not walking the aisles of supermarkets demanding spinach or cans of white northern beans for energy snacks. No they want the brightly colored cookie and cereal packaging with Elves, Fairies and all kinds of characters with hats, happily eating sugar and flour products. Kid’s do not care if Chips Ahoy secretly went from 20 ounce packages to 18 ounces at the same shelf price. All they know is that the bright blue package LOOKS exactly the same and they NEED IT NOW!

So be on guard when you see any package that the manufacturer have updated. Sometimes if you’re lucky, the company may indeed have a promotion going on and will offer you an extra foot or two of duct tape if you buy a dozen rolls. Heck if you need to bind hostages (or kids) regularly and like the stuff, why not even stock up a little? As for me, my blood pressure will increase and I will start to feel the sweat on my brow when I turn to the supermarket paper aisle. Yes I don’t need eagle vision to see that annoying yellow star on the paper towels from a mile away. It reads “NOW SUPER ABSORBENT” – oh god, I hope these towels don’t make ME suck up my own sweat … at least not at THAT PRICE!!!