Alarming Personality

Given my foot-dragging physique and propensity to chase small animals and scooters for sport, it probably comes as no surprise to you that my presence is not always a welcomed one outside of my lair. Don’t worry – I have plenty of friends who have long gotten past the shedding, Tourettes barks, and pungent smell of asparagus that follows my forked tongue wherever I go. No, my problem is that smoke and fire alarms seem unusually attracted to me like I’m some kind of 666 “Iblis whisperer”.

I admit making things smoke came easy for me as a child, though I just thought of myself as ‘curious’ rather than as some freakishly devilish ‘Bill-ze-bub’. Oh sure I once shared a BBQ lunch with my friends in my room in which THEY were on the menu. But fortunately my pals were fluffy n’stuffed and only got their hindquarters singed, as so did I soon after from my parents. As I grew up I turned to the magic of melting crayons on the school’s radiator to exude a wonderfully waxy waft of 64 colors and the envy of all, save for the pursed-lipped teacher.

By middle school I continued to practice my true calling by accidentally setting my Grandmother’s neighbor’s yard on fire. Fortunately the neighbors liked my Grandmother more than me and didn’t like mowing anyway. As a teen I soon found myself poking around floor electrical plates and electronics projects at school. Such adventures were almost always accompanied by sparks, smoke, occasional fires, and the obligatory power-outage, alarm bells and the teacher’s groans. Even recently a chemistry professor and I unleashed an experiment to form pure carbon by brightly burning magnesium inside a tomb of dry ice. Sadly the ionized air and whisp of smoke was enough to burp up a high-school clearing evacuation alarm in the middle of 30 degree weather.

By now though, I have mostly harnessed my frequent mistakes with electricity, gasoline, black powder, model rockets and crayons with all my claws intact. Believe it or not, I am STILL brave enough to take both my toast and catfish blackened. Hopefully my ‘alarming personality’ will not prove to be an issue for my new neighbors if I move to the city. Oddly, unlike high school kids, most folks probably won’t appreciate the ‘adventure’ of evacuating 30 flights of stairs in a downtown apartment should I have a midnight snack mishap.

SCAN THIS!

Ok I am getting a little bored with the whole debate over the airport screening flap. I am all about protecting personal freedoms ESPECIALLY as an American, but give me a break with the manufactured indignation over stupid airport scanners. There are plenty of other REAL problems in the world to worry about.

My wife flies commercial usually twice a week and I hit the unfriendly skies 3 or 4 times a year. I can tell you, honestly I wish I did not have to get undressed every time I see a Transportation Security Agent (but they just look so good in those pretty blue shirts). In reality however, I get more stressed about leaving the ‘Cinnabon’ stand behind in the food court than getting unduly man-handled by security wonks in starched collared shirts.

I mean, I try to look at the positive side when I am flying. Without the TSA folks, I would never know that most of my socks have holes in them. I am kind of hoping that with these new total body scanners, the agents can help me check for excessive wear in my undies too? Who knows, maybe I can save a few bucks on dental x-rays or hopefully discover an actual pig inside of me to justify all my body bacon?

I was really good at avoiding the gym showers in high school, so of all people, I am not anxious to have pictures of my love handles scrutinized by random airport cops, but I’m sure it’s no picnic for them either. The reality is I prefer to make a little better travel time to both coasts than is currently possible by horse, buggy, or bus. These holiday travel babies need to fly private at four times the cost or wear lead-lined diapers in a twist if they're so concerned with intrusive security.

I for one hate trying to get caps off of aerosol paint cans, yet I don’t see barrio ‘taggers’ crying to the press about this unfair inconvenience. I can’t even sneak a nightcap swig of Nyquil anymore without pulling off an inner safety seal. And those poor tobacco fans – not only do they get taxed to death faster than they can smoke themselves there; now they will have to stare at a giant diseased black lung on their cigarette packs while puffing.

So I know the whiners pine away for the good ol’ days of airline travel in America. The ruthless scanner-cams have really made us miss our freedoms just like teens do when they have to grow up into REAL adults. The new reality however, is that we ALL do what we HAVE to do to show up in one piece at the end of the line, baggage safely in hand, and ALIVE. I don’t expect everyone to take this SCANdalous new TSA policy lightly, sitting down. I expect you to just STAND UP, get in line, and take your pats FIRMLY, just like the rest of us … so we can all get where we are going and turn our attention to more important things.

Public Servant's Plus-Sized Prows!

Believe me I have the utmost respect for the police and fire people and the job they do. Even on my best day I do not have the stamina or guts to carry out one of these ultra-risky jobs. With that said however, sometimes I wonder if when these PLUS-SIZE public servants were told they were ‘first responders’, they misunderstood and thought that meant it was for the buffet line.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not talking about your local cops that have had an extra donut or two and the Blueberry muffin top is just starting to peek over the bat-utility belt. I am referring to these full-on overgrown ‘Oompa-Loompas’ who would have trouble running to the elevator much less up a flight of stairs. I’m not saying big people can’t do demanding jobs. As long as these folks can meet the SAME physical training standards that everyone else meets in the same job, then bless their big-bagel hearts!

You see, I too have crushed my fair share of chairs so I have lived on both sides of the subject. When I was a young buck, I could bound up the side of a mountain, or paddle a river undaunted for hours on end and by nightfall be ready for more. But add 30 years and double that in poundage of brain-blubber, and I can tell you endurance activities like working in a Chilean mine,or scrubbing my nooks and crannies become a real challenge.

There is indeed something to be said for experience, but if you’re part of my team as a soldier, cop, or fireperson, I’m going to have much MORE to say about your physical readiness if my life depends on you. Though it rarely matters when all you do is pick-up the mail or stare at a laptop all day. I would be concerned however, if people’s lives depended on my physical PROWESS these days - because it’s clear that I have a ‘wittle WESS’ spring in my step, but a much bigger ‘PROW’ now!

The Good Ol’ Days

I was in one of those moods recently and I was thinking about all the things I miss from when I was younger. Fortunately I never had any looks so that was not on the list, plus I have found a secret most guys don’t know - there is nothing a little foundation and mascara can’t hide. It’s a joke ok plus do you honestly think my wife would trust me with make-up? I borrowed some lipstick from her once to make a fake laceration on my head for a video, so she complained for a month that I had ‘smooshed’ the angled end and it would not retract in the tube. Needless to say, now all the make-up in the house goes in the lock-box with the alcohol cleaning pads, Nyquil and the catsup bottle.

Anyway, I had bought some ‘Ding Dongs’ for packed lunches and I noticed that they come in a sort of white cellophane sealed pouch now. I can’t explain it but both Ding Dongs and Hershey’s miniatures used to come ‘foil wrapped’ and I liked them better that way. It’s kind of the same with Coca Cola when it came in real bottles as a kid. There was no such thing as diet drinks so most of us were smart enough to know that a ‘soda pop’ was supposed to be a treat, not a replacement for your total bodily fluids. Now I drink diet soda all the time through an I.V. but it is never as good as those ice cold ‘glass bottled’ Cokes on a hot summer day.

I miss my snowy analog TV reception because even if the picture was not always perfect, I could make out the audio and storyline. Now with digital TV, every time the wind blows, or there is a little rain, my television repeatedly sputters, blanks out, and pixelates like a patient on a hospital drama. After a few minutes of looking at a frozen picture of some actor with their eyes half closed, I turn the channel and watch that show until it blanks out too and I finally close MY eyes ‘all the way’. Also it is sad that the National Anthem at the end of the broadcast day is gone. Remember when the TV stations actually understood EVERYONE was in bed (or should be) and actually STOPPED broadcasting each day. Now the TV stations simply fill up the overnight hours with an endless parade of infomercials hawking anything that insomniacs might respond to with an open mind and checkbook .

Of course I miss most when it was ok to take knives to ‘show and tell’ at school or carry a nail file on an airplane. Now for an overnight plane trip if I can’t find a tiny tube of toothpaste, I simply have to squeeze a green gob of the stuff into a hankie and put it in a plastic bag. I let the airport screeners think what they want, but they NEVER ask me what’s in the hankie. Hmmm, maybe if I was a terrorist I could try that same angle but with a loaded diaper? No, that’s probably not a good idea because even the most hardened air marshal would never take a ‘Stink Bomb’ seriously. See, even being evil was so much easier when I was over-ripened ‘diaper baby’. Who says CHANGE is necessary - I miss the good ol’ days!

Conspicuous Consumption Reset

Although as a rule I prefer to keep things upbeat , airy, and silly, I’m going to hit you with a caveat from the heart. Today the family and I ventured out to an Estate sale. Yes, no big deal since I have written many times about our recreational shopping excursions at garage sales, thrift stores, and even in dumpsters.

But this sale today was a little bit different since it was held in an upper class section of St. Louis (no jokes please as I have already written ALL of them on this topic). Immediately upon entry to the foyer of the house, I knew this was going to be an enjoyable adventure. We were greeted with an ornate giant bronze fountain priced at $8000. Now believe me this hunk of iron WAS expensive but there was no doubt in my mind that it probably cost the owner close to double that. Even if I had ‘8 large’ burning a hole in my piggy bank for a one ton water fountain, I would spend half that amount again just getting it trucked to the house, site prep – well you get the idea.

We continued through the house and though the visual treats of opulence continued in every room, I noticed something else too – ORDINARY things. I mean really ordinary things, like lunch boxes, shoes, kids books, water glasses, kitchen plates – stuff people use EVERY DAY? In the garage, the surprises continued as it was clear the owner was a high-end house builder and a local councilperson for the city. He had won tons of ‘quality’ awards and received recognition from all strata of society for his contributions to helping promote home ownership and ‘develop’ the local economy.

By now, you are assuming this is a tale of a ‘big shot’ who lived beyond his means and suffered the plight of countless other hard-working souls in this recent economic downturn and went bankrupt. Well you are half right, but the story has nothing to do with the economy - the owner was a crook. He ran a Ponzi bank scam to take new home deposits to cover his expenses. He would borrow funds from company accounts to always try and stay one step ahead of his spending habits, cocaine use, and bank fraud crimes. Eventually the FBI got involved and in the end he got caught and convicted to the State pen for a 51 month sentence.

Now what’s the big finish moral to this depressing story? Well I’m sure every day you and your kids are bombarded with ads, neighbors, and workmates who are always ‘in need’ of pitching MORE. You know those folks up the street – the Jones’? Yeah they just bought a new Mercedes and a Pinball machine – “why don’t we have that stuff too since we obviously deserve it?” Do yourself a BIG FAVOR and get off this train to nowhere and FAST. I am all for you blowing your cash any way you please as long as you know that your reserves and lifestyle are adequately in check. If you start finding yourself heading towards a cliff of working MORE simply to keep up with MORE debt, MORE wants, and MORE TROUBLE, then remember this ‘un-fairy’ tale and stop - RESET. Do you think this guy’s kids needed all the best new video games or clothes, or could they have benefited a bit more from having a normal life, with ordinary stuff and an ORDINARY Dad at home instead of in prison? Think about it, I sure did … and then I went shopping – for handcuffs!

Lindsay Lohan Lowdown

I have no real ‘stake’ in the Lindsay Lohan hub-bub, though the girl could probably use some precious protein that a tasty T-Bone could provide. Except when she is having a serious heart to heart with a bottle of liquor, Lohan always looks a little gaunt and malnourished. Let me just say right up front I know a little bit about substance abuse, since I use crushed red pepper on nearly everything I consume.

Clearly all of Lindsay’s problems started with those wax lips that are stuck to her face. Hey I understand, because when I was her age I loved all kind of wax candies, but especially those little bottles with colored sugar water in them. Considering Lohan’s DUI arrests, it is pretty clear that she likes her colored bottles too, but much, MUCH bigger. So since Ms. Lindsay loves LOTS of BARS, Los Angeles County decided to set her up with a ‘big girl’s’ bunk and a stainless commode, behind some really good iron ones.

I am not sure if ‘listy’ Lohan is a Mean Girl, but she may become one quick if she starts a full blown de-tox while serving her entire 90 days sentence locked up in the can. Oh who am I kidding, Hollywood folks aren’t expected to spend their valuable time in jail when they do bad things. Those rules, along with ‘shiv’ and soap sculpting class are for OTHER people with REAL skills. Yes, before Lohan’s orange jump-suit was on (with hopefully some skivvies), and her jail door zip tie was pulled taut, a deal on the down-low was surely in the works for reduced jail-time. C’mon, you don’t want to overcrowd jails – stick criminals in downtown urban barrios where they have loads of extra space and little if any crime right?

Oh yeah, I completely agree with that logic. No sense keeping tinsel town abusers locked up when it is so much more fun to read about their exploits and foibles in supermarket tabloids. Yep, it’s my philosophy to put folks like Lohan and those ‘HOT LIPS’ of hers to work off their debt to society, in their local community. I’m thinkin’ given her history, she could weave in and out of traffic piloting one of those Hollywood Boulevard tourist buses, in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theater and the WAX museum.

Barefoot Bandit needs clown shoes

Well justice finally caught up with that scoff-law, the so called “Barefoot Bandit”. I actually resent using his media moniker because in some odd way I feel it validates his criminality. The simple truth is the guy was a petty low-life thief and I was ecstatic that the Bahamian authorities paraded him down the streets like a little puppet-monkey, before extraditing him back to the US. It seems the Swiss could have learned this lesson too if they would have pulled their finger out of their chocolate, and quickly Fed-Exed Polanski, the “Namby-Pamby Pedofile” back Stateside.

Though I have no compassion for villa-bound Polanski, there was a liberal part of me that felt concern for the poor barefoot kid’s damage - TO THE EARTH! Who wants this dumb dude’s dirty feet walking unprotected on any of our precious soil? I wondered, had this loser’s ‘Gigantor’ feet made it impossible to find properly-fitted footwear, possibly spurring on his antisocial life of crime? I shudder at the thought of the magnitude of the bandit’s crime spree, if big-boy ‘pants and panties’ had been as hard to come-by as apparently his shoes were.

Understanding this relationship between crime and footwear caused me to take preventative STEPS with my own daughter. She won’t mind me telling you that she has really big feet. Actually they are more like bridge abutments with toes. This obviously concerned us when she was young for fear that her future career was limited to two choices . . . Clown or Criminal.

So with a ‘life on the run’ out (tripping hazard), and Ronald McDonald’s refusal to retire gracefully to let a real GIRL do a clown’s job, my wife and I had to act to save my daughter’s future. For her birthday, we broke into our bacon money and covered the cost for our daughter to buy some custom designed shoes. Since the Chinese have nothing better to do than mold rubber for freakishly large American feet, they also give you free reign to choose colors, laces, imprint, styles, height etc.

Yes it’s high time for the Barefoot Bandit to reach down in his ‘sole’ to declare ‘Carpe Feetum’ and embrace law-abiding footwear. I have linked the NIKEiD site here if you too are blessed with the Monitor and Merrimack instead of feet at the end of your legs. Now there’s no reason to skulk around barefoot and live a life on the lamb or any other farm animal. Because with today’s technology, it’s a simple feat to confidently KICK crime to the curb, and make your very own pair of custom clown shoes!

Greasy Gift Cards

The one thing that my jury is still definitely OUT on is gift cards. I do like the convenience of being able to give an almost universally usable gift that ships flat and CHEAP. I also like that those skinny little cards can snuggle in behind other things in my wallet, and every now and again I find a surprise ‘bonus’ which MIGHT be enough to buy me a Slurpee.

But to be honest as a thoughtful remembrance, gift cards are probably my LAST choice as a caring gift. I know the recipient is thankful no matter what I give. But even if I choose a ‘lame’ gift, it is probably better than giving a card which the giftee will ultimately buy everyday stuff like Alka Seltzer or ear wax lube.

Like everyone, I am also really slow to use my gift cards. Instead of one or two credit cards, I have to load my wallet up with every store-specific gift card ‘just in case’ I stop to shop. Guy’s wallets now are like sitting on bricks. In fact we have to rotate our wallet between back pockets weekly, or like the food bank, we’ll be stuck with DENTED cans.

I also hate when a gift card has $1.03 or some odd tiny amount of remaining cash left on it. I still have to carry the thing around – you can’t throw it away. That would be dumb, just like tossing a fistful of change out on to a busy street. Who would do that, unless like me, your mission was to reduce enrollment at an overcrowded preschool and make some room for your kid? See I told you the jury is still out . . . I think the judge will let me off with a warning if I grease the wheels of justice – as long as he accepts GIFT CARDS of course!

NEVER go to the light

Right off the bat, I really want to know who started this popular sentiment that ‘going to the light’ is a good thing? What if a raging fire is making all of that light, did you ever think about that? Unless you are the Devil, I just do not think it is responsible parenting to tell your kids to walk into fire. As far as I can tell, every time I personally have undergone a police grilling or got near brightly lit and shiny stuff, it always has cost me one way or the other.

I mean look at jewelry stores. They are filled with fancy little hot lights and shiny shimmering stuff. I have to be buzzed into these places which are surrounded by bars and video security. I don’t know about you, but that feels like JAIL to me, not a luxurious and relaxing shopping experience. Even if I do make it out without physical pain, there still is that little matter of a pricey trinket or bauble I will have to pay off in a month. Just like Sterling Silver, $7.99 plus tax doesn’t grow on trees you know.

I think this notion of going towards the light was probably started by an antisocial ‘flim-flam’ gnat up to no good. Yeah, like some lame senior prank, that rogue bug spread the word that the closer one flies to the light the better your buggy-life will be. But just as Icarus of legend learned so deftly, even when over-confident and giddy bugs cozy up to those hot lights, they often get burned too.

So I think it is safe to say, regardless of what anyone tells you, NEVER go to the light. I know we’ve all been taught to see the glass half full and Pollyanna is perhaps the greatest movie of all time. But I must urge you to even avoid that tempting ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ philosophy. More often than not, once you make to the end, you’ll find just a bunch of lost illegal aliens with a really bright Maglite flashlight . . . and a lot of dead bugs stuck to it.

Ornaments fo' da’ HOOD!

What ever happened to those distinctive hood ornaments on cars? I remember when car makers were more than anxious to advertise their vehicle monikers by casting them in big hunks of polished chrome and gluing them on the pointy end of their cars. I always liked these things as they gave jaywalkers a fighting chance at a hand hold if I was momentarily distracted by the radio, cell phone, or stuck accelerator pedal.

Some car makers featured lithe muscular leaping animals on their hoods, to show how virile and sporty their automobiles were. Others had stalwart and sturdy big horned sheep to show that their car’s were tough as nails … or as meek as sheep I guess? As ornaments became less and less popular, they just seemed to feature the car maker’s brand or maybe some little trophy looking statuette thing.

Maybe that was the point all along – these were little trophies that we got for spending all our cash on a certain brand of fancy new car? I wonder why I don’t get a trophy for driving my old dented car. I’m the one trying to save money and be responsible, while everyone else sinks deeper into debt and unwisely keeps jaywalking.

Now it seems car makers are afraid of even labeling their cars at all. Whenever I am on the freeway it is one boring blob on the road right behind another slightly bigger blob. Except for tricked out black SUV’s owned by Rappers, what has happened to the auto-‘bling’ thing? Don’t worry, I can combat this problem myself. I have plans to duct tape one of my old BOWLING trophies onto my car’s bow, as a shiny and memorable ornamental hood-topper. Other than a trash truck, it seems THIS is the only way to drive something ‘striking’ and truly ‘di-STINK-tive’ anymore.

Elderly Entertainment

As I mentioned we have guests in the house this week. The in-laws have come to visit so our goal is usually to try and do a few interesting things while they are in town. The problem is that they live in Las Vegas. If you have ever been to Vegas you will know that there is literally endless possibilities for entertainment so how can we possibly compete and keep them entertained?

I know what you are thinking – just lock them in a room and force them to read my blog. Well, beyond the fact that it is very questionable whether this qualifies as ‘entertainment’, in some states it might be thought of as torture. So with all river casinos out, and my humor too much of a risk of boring my guests to death, I must leave no stone unturned in search of some age-appropriate fun.

Then, like a golden vision sent down from the mountain top, it occurred to me – THEY’RE OLD! Why am I working so hard to try and find entertainment when everything I need is already right here, IN FRONT OF ME. One of our favorite games is called ‘Hide the Glasses’. Not a day goes by that at least one member of our troop misplaces (or perceives to misplace) his or her spectacles. Invariably after a search party is organized and last steps are re-traced, the mis-located eyewear will be found on the victim’s own head.

If the oldsters are ever short on ‘confusion’, I will unleash my daughter on them to teach them the rules of random card games. Actually my in-laws are quite skilled at Bridge, Hearts, and a variety of strategy card games. My daughter on the other hand is an expert at making up or informing us all LATE of rules and details that are germane to playing new card games correctly. Nobody of any age can hold up long to the length of these games, constant changes, or much less remembering the mind-boggling scoring and rules shuffle.

By now my in-laws are so rattled that they want to seek some definition where ‘rules are rules’, and justice is swift. So we try to calm them down with a parade of the ‘TV Judge’ shows. There are literally a slew of these type of television shows with litigants suing over tiny disagreements. Is this REALLY entertainment? My goal in life is to stay OUT of courtroom theatrics, not sit in the front row of the jury box with popcorn. My plan seems to work though because soon enough, the elders are drifting in and out of consciousness, only occasionally waking up to comment on an unjustified verdict, or the fact that the judge has changed not only their race, but their sex as well!

Now don’t get me wrong, I aint no springy chicken myself, so much of what I say here already applies to me now or in my immediate future. But until I start getting some serious discounts for dinner, I am going to fight it all the way. In the meantime, I will bone up on lots of card game rules. I don’t want my kid pulling anything over on me (except a warm blankie) when I come to camp-out at her house. Who knows, eventually I may even need burping and an occasional diaper change – now THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT!

When good rules go bad

I admit it, I am a bit of a ‘rules’ kind of guy. I prefer things to be fairly straightforward, vividly explicit, and my rainbows to come in two colors - black and white. It really is not my fault since my first and ONLY internship in college was at a legal clinic. Even as a lowly intern, it did not take too long to realize that no physics are involved at all - the world ACTUALLY revolves around contracts and the rule of law.

Now of course my parents were pretty careful to set me straight too whenever I attempted to stray as a youngster. So given all that foundation for a lawful life, it is no wonder that I am tuned a tad tighter than a cheap guitar when it comes to rules. Today, it is fashionable to find shades of gray in most every law and it seems even the rules of grammar, ( such as the true meaning of ‘IS’) are apparently debatable.

Preamble ramble aside, rules truly ARE important, but in my life, probably the one overriding principle that has proven MORE critical, time and time again, is fundamental fairness. Oh no, I have opened that triple-locked and sealed door of interpretation – what happened to all that ‘holier than thou’ tough 'Texas Ranger' talk?

Well I have to admit, even though I am not much of a sports fan, I was frustrated that Detroit Tigers baseball pitcher, Armando Galarraga was denied a ‘perfect game’ due to a admittedly erroneous umpire call. Now mind you this was not any old ump-blunder , this was the LAST OUT of the LAST INNING of a NO HITTER! There have been only 20 perfect games in the entire history of baseball and Galarraga delivered the goods for a 21st yesterday and deserves the appropriate recognition.

Now there is no CRISIS in baseball – this was an admitted error on the part of a human umpire. Replay tapes clearly show the batter was out and everyone knows it. Major League Baseball does not have to change any long term rules about the use or non-use of replays in games. The Commissioner simply has to step up and RIGHT AN OBVIOUS WRONG and reverse the call. It is a matter of fairness and is EXACTLY why we still have HUMANS with REAL gray matter in leadership positions judging anything or any contest. Our brains are BETTER because they are not rigid and inflexible like computerized machines.

Sports MUST compete with a set of common rules or else chaos would ensue and record books would become meaningless. However in rare and clearly SPECIAL circumstances, FAIRNESS should be the prevailing rule and the letter of the law must take a backseat. True leadership is knowing when those unusual and special times have arrived at your doorstep; and when history DEMANDS the use of your moral prerogative, power, and BRAINS to do something about it. See, even a ‘rules’ guy like me can have a heart – uh … but let’s wait and see, that opinion may yet be reversed upon closer inspection?


LATE UPDATE: This piece was prepared 12 hours prior to scheduled posting. Since that time, ML Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said 'He will not reverse' the bad call. But on a happier note, GM executive Mark Reuss, GAVE A BRAND NEW CORVETTE to pitcher Galarraga for his 'Grand Sportsmanship'. Way to go GM - I call that a class-act. Yet another reason to BUY American!

Just throwing it out there

You know sometimes when writing I just will run into a wall for new and fresh ideas. It feels sometimes that I have written on just about every weird topic so what’s left? Often I will have to go back and search my archives to make sure I do not start repeating myself. Nothing better in life than listening to an old man repeat the same story over and over right?

So today was one of those brainless days. Fortunately for me at least, these bouts of creative constipation usually do not last too long with so many broadcast and internet news sources at the ready. Yes I admit it, while most of you use the media for genuine information and entertainment, I have reduced its worth to a lowly mental laxative.

Anyway, my daughter and I were watching the mid-day news and one of the reports depicted how a full sized pickaxe, busted through a Washington state couple’s car windshield while on the freeway. The thing hit dead center and missed both front occupants of the car before embedding itself in-between the seats. If it were me, I could handle the flying Ax trauma okay, but having to re-glue that rearview mirror back on is what would haunt me for the rest of my life. Whenever I ride in a convertible, I always worry a little bit about rocks, road junk, trees, rain, and birds bombing me. But not once did I ever imagine a giant garden tool dropping in to bisect my ride.

Now since we’ve started down the path of ’throwing things’, the other news story that absolutely floored me today was a minor assault charge at a Philadelphia Phillies game. Yeah Phillies fans can be noisy, loud and legendary for their boisterous team enthusiasm; but nothing can match this New Jersey guy. This obviously drunk punk literally let things get ‘out of hand’ by shoving his fingers down his own gullet to PURPOSELY throw-up on the objects of his disapproval – a man and his kid. Hmmm, now I have something else new to worry about when riding in convertibles? I guess I should avoid parades for awhile – especially in drop-tops directly behind those big beer-binging Clydesdale horses!

Turkey Shoot

As a young boy my father taught me to shoot. He was a superb Marksman in the Army. It’s maybe not something you talk about today, but when I was a kid, shooting was still thought of as an honorable skill, even if you were not going into law enforcement. It was no big deal really as my Dad was taught to shoot by my Grandfather and so on. I remember at the same time I was getting Ranger Rick conservation magazines in the mail, I also got stickers as a member of the National Rifle Association. In that era, guns were not scary – they were tools to be used for the specific purpose of motivating lead toward tin cans and paper targets.

Like any tool, rifles and sidearms were to be treated with respect. I shot guns for fun but we never had FUN with guns – there is a difference and the line was made very clear. All my life I have lived in rather large cities, so it has been fairly impractical to practice target shooting at home. No matter how progressive your neighbors are, they do not look kindly on random gunshots mixing with the sounds of their kids bouncing basketballs and gardeners blowing leaves off driveways.

Happily that problem was easily solved with a nice Daisy BB gun rifle. I could set up targets in the back yard and shoot as much as I wanted. I really loved shooting that gun. Eventually my Father was confident in my aim enough to take me down and enter in a Turkey shooting contest at the local police gun range. I did enjoy the target competition and did well. Sadly however I did not win the frozen turkey first prize and blamed it on the rifle's weak power at 50 yards. Though un-frozen birds might have been a little more exciting to introduce to my Daisy, my parents insisted that moving targets were not allowed. Oddly however, that rule somehow did not apply to my own father. Yes, just like the stories you read about in papers, he thought my BB gun wasn’t loaded (strange since it rattled with BB’s when it was). As I ran and cavorted between backyard tree trunks, he put a bead on me at better than 75 yards and SHOT ME in the hip while I was moving.

First, I could not believe that my own Dad shot me?! I finally understood how Issac must have felt when ol’ daddy Abraham was ready to slip him a shiv – why couldn’t a stupid Ram have taken that BB for me instead? Secondly, despite my injured flank, I was appreciative that my gun had a good enough set of fixed sights to shoot that straight. Further, prone fire at a stationary target takes practice, but for my Dad to lead a fleeting target, between obstacles and while standing – well honestly, that was a pretty impressive shot. Yeah my father felt bad and profusely apologized between his poorly suppressed giddiness and shame. To this day he swears it was an innocent mistake and he didn’t mean it. I still think it was a little education for blowing the shooting contest - the rifle seemed to perform JUST FINE? Yes, that rifle had finally bagged a plump turkey, but suspiciously, this one wasn’t frozen!

Hurried Handcuffs

I was driving along a local main drag and across from the gas station in a mini mall of about 6 shops I saw a new business that was open. The name of the shop was Express Police Gear or something like that? The shop looked clean and reminded me of any safety or small janitorial supply retail store.

I did not have the good fortune to get inside yet, but I assume it consists of all that stuff that cops are saddled down with to do their jobs except for firearms and ammo. I think this place probably focuses on the ‘official’ shoes, t-shirts, belt, mace, handcuffs and the like. I have never seen a store like this at all and figured most police departments simply buy gear from ‘official’ mail order vendors or on-line?

It seems like a pretty good idea to have a retail outlet for cop stuff. You never know when you’ll need an extra pair of handcuffs WITHOUT the little release tab of the toy ones. Yes those always come in handy to restrain irritating friends or your kid brother. I guess I could use zip ties but I have the smaller ones so I always need to stick about 10 together if I want to get around something as fat as the wrists of people in my family. Maybe I will go in this cop shop and see how much a can of mace or pepper spray is? I used to keep this stuff handy in the car even if for no other reason than crazy dogs.

I did on one occasion repel a dog with pepper spray. It worked but mostly as a distraction. The dog did not seem incapacitated in any real way, but the smell clearly got him to stop advancing on me and think about his own peppery nose for a minute. That gave me enough time to hurry off and get my toy handcuffs to try and lock up that crazy dog. Ever since then, I have been a fan of pepper spray. Yes I need to visit that Police shop to pick up a case of spicy spray . Cinco de Mayo is just around the corner and my nachos never have enough peppers!

AZ Immigration law – a WIN-WIN

I was not surprised that the Arizona immigration law passed a public vote. I was marginally surprised that the Governor signed the bill into law. The national media is aghast at the perceived insensitivities of Arizona, but they are not living there and do not face the daily burdens of border problems and unchecked illegal immigration. Despite the hub bub, this law has less to do with race and more to do with money – STATE money and services that are being drained during tough times.

I am not a fan of this new law ONLY because I think it puts already over-burdened law enforcement agencies in between an unbearable rock and an even harder hard place. The most troubling provision is that private citizens can pursue LEGAL action against law enforcement if there is a presumption that the new law is not being enforced. So the average Joe cop will be sued by every legal aid attorney for racial profiling, as soon as he attempts to ask a legal resident to produce papers and enforce the law. At the same time, if the same officer is NOT asking suspected illegal aliens for papers, legal residents may initiate legal action against him for NOT enforcing State mandated law.

As for Arizona’s desire to ENFORCE legal immigration across its border – since the Federal government has failed to control the problem, what should states like Arizona, California, and Texas do? These states are disproportionally affected by immigration issues as compared to most others. They have a flood of illegal immigrants whose kids attend schools and whose families use emergency local medical services. Most of us do not have a problem with LEGAL IMMIGRATION. My general feeling is, get in line and wait your turn along with the hundreds of thousands of others that have waited years for a chance to legally enter the country. Again this has NOTHING to do with race for 99% of us. Even if blond haired and blue eyed Swedes were flowing into the country illegally, Arizona and most Americans would complain and demand action from its government.

The real irony over all of this is that within 25 miles of the Southern border currently, law enforcement has had the right FOR YEARS by law to stop anyone WITHOUT CAUSE to confirm legal residency. Even my daughter, with blond hair and a Cardinal red car that conceals nothing, has been stopped in Texas for an immigration check. She did not lay an egg, nor was she offended at all. She was simply surprised and cooperative as most legal residents will be. I find it unhelpful that ‘outsiders’ have called for a boycott of Arizona’s businesses and tourism. This is patently unfair to ALL of the people of Arizona and any sovereign state trying to deal with tough local realities especially when put to a vote of the people.

The solution to all of this is simple enough – ENFORCE current law at the Federal level and new reactionary laws like Arizona’s will prove unnecessary and redundant. Until then or when Purgatory gets a lot colder, if you are in Arizona illegally, you may want to consider an address change. Try the Golden State first and join San Francisco’s proposed boycott on Arizona business. I think the legal residents of Arizona will appreciate your help in plugging up the burden on their cops and resources. And best of all, your illegal presence and valuable contributions will surely help California’s booming economy avoid bankruptcy right? Now that’s what I call a Win-Win deal!

Georgia, Matlock & Guam

First off as a disclaimer, I think America’s 13th original colony, Georgia is 'peachy'. In fact I love almost anything to do with Georgia. My daughter and I spent many a happy afternoon truly in awe of Atlanta’s most famous (and fictional) defense attorney, Ben Matlock. His legal machinations and folksy subdued intelligence could win over any jury in the name of true justice. However, I am really curious about this other REAL Georgian attorney turned Congressman, Hank Johnson, and the comments he made recently.

The Congressman, leaned forward from his big imposing, black leather chair and queried United States Admiral Robert Willard on the repercussions of adding some 8000 military service people and another 17,000 or so family members to the American territory Guam, in the Western Pacific ocean. Apparently Representative Johnson was primarily concerned that an ISLAND that is 4 -11 miles wide and roughly 34 miles in length, might be sufficiently destabilized by the introduction of these additional people. Now I’m not talking just about ecosystems, infrastructure, April Fools day, or anything approaching SANITY like that. The Congressman actually was seriously concerned that the island may “tip over” on its side?

WHAT? I cannot believe Admiral Willard, the former Pacific Fleet commander and TOPGUN F-14 pilot, had the composure to even bother forming an answer to this moronic question. Talk about the discipline of the American military – how the Admiral avoided rolling his eyes like a disgusted teenager, I’ll never know. Is the U.S. Taxpayer really forking out the salary of Admiral Willard to suffer this indignity? The substance of the Congressman’s question could have just as easily been posed from a talking ‘helium balloon (at a far less costly taxpayer salary).

Honestly, I can accept a one term ‘slip through the cracks’ Congressperson. Georgian’s might drink a little too much Peach Schnapps; everybody gets caught up in the moment and stops thinking. Then one thing leads to another and voila – another vacuous attorney, turned Congressional politician is born, unwanted and unloved. I get it, bad things happen to good people, but Representative Johnson was RE-ELECTED for a second term – so in this case bad things happen to uninformed, apathetic and ‘incumbent-loving’ voters.

So take a look at this link and judge for yourself if you think I am being too harsh on the Congressman. All I know is the next time I’m buzzing through Atlanta, if I get into trouble, I’m not calling Matlock. Nope, I’m looking up Hank Johnson to represent me. That guy can pull the wool over anyone’s eyes or he's just incredibly lucky - either way, I am sure to be a winner! Too bad I cannot say the same for the great State of Georgia and the U.S. taxpayer.

No Waste Tort Reform

On occasion I get a question or comment which requires far more than a single sentence or ‘witty’ explanation and gratuitous wink, to adequately answer. By in large, these posts are meant to entertain rather than deliver hard news, so rarely will I run back to back ‘sourced’ essays on the same, (particularly serious), topic. However this will be one of those rare exceptions so bear with me. I typically post twice per day, so if political/economic/legal theory and debate is not your cup of tea, then be sure to check back in twelve hours. I’ll brew you up a tall, cup of smooth chamomile to make up for my transgressions. Now THAT’S what I really call a ‘tea party’!

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I believe that TORT reform as popularly defined, is related to malpractice and Doctor liability. I concede that many sources will cap savings from such reform at about 2% of the current national healthcare expenditure. While that is low, it is a SAVINGS nonetheless, approaching $55 billion annually rather than an expenditure. I will never understand why the current legislation (now law) refused to address this AT ALL and pretend the healthcare bill was a COMPLETE legislative effort?

Further, as noted in the Beacon source linked here, in Missouri, the State saw insurers profits increase as much as a 20% when liability claim caps were imposed by law. These same firms were constantly losing money in malpractice payouts just before legislation was passed. So what is a REASONABLE expectation of savings if malpractice liability is controlled? I, nor anyone else can definitively say? However by NOT addressing the issue at all, Congress in all certainty has left significant money on the table.

I personally also feel that malpractice is but ONE factor in TRUE tort reform. Using Social Security disability claims as an example, current law allows UNLIMITED appeals to claim denials. Consider that for a moment. Regardless if your disability is legitimate or NOT, a cadre of highly trained Social Security researchers, medical specialists, U.S. attorneys, and civil service personnel will review your entire case history. Your alleged disability, expert testimony, you, and your counsel will receive a private hearing before a Federal judge, adjudication officer, and other Federal civil service support staff.

Once a legal opinion is rendered, if positive, you begin collecting your claim from the Social Security pool (rapidly closing in on bankruptcy). If your claim is DENIED, your attorney simply goes down the hall and files an appeal, and the case begins a NEW file and starts through the process again. Eventually If that appeal isn’t going well, your attorney obtains a new expert or some other evidence and YES, files yet AGAIN even while the current appeal is STILL pending? It is simply a numbers game in hopes of eventually finding ANY judge who might interpret the claimant's evidence in their favor to secure payment on their disability request.

Imagine the cost to the taxpayer for a SINGLE cycle in this process regardless of legitimacy of the claim. Also imagine the disheartening reality that no matter how hard those highly skilled civil servants work, they will NEVER get ahead, much less dream of ‘catching-up’. Just in this SINGLE U.S. BUREAU, the result has been a five-fold explosion or more in repeat legal claims over the past decade.

Now mind you, I am not arguing the particular NEED for this program or the validity of the government adjudication process itself. The system was designed with high ideals as a safety net for truly disabled workers with few options. However, in reality this department has become reflective of the problems encountered across the whole of big government. The out of control costs of processing endless legal claims, counter claims, appeals, and resultant payouts cannot be sustained forever. Despite good intentions and its effort to be a all things to all people, at some point, if continually burdened, even the most powerful economic engine, will eventually fail to move forward on track and stop working.

Tort reform in the TRUEST sense, is far more than taking the myopic view of simply addressing malpractice liability. Effective cost savings and system-wide service improvements, can be realized with a comprehensive plan to reign in ALL legal waste and claim redundancy. Only then can a complete legislative solution be crafted to protect the long term health of not only our citizenry, but our bloated and obese government as well.

Anti-Federalism 2010

Wow, not since the 1780’s when Patrick Henry was running around doubting the sincerity of this nation’s constitution has there been such a rapid resurgence of anti-federalism. With the recent passage of the so called “Healthcare Bill” into law, the public at large seems to be once again, questioning the over-reach of our Federal government.

Far beyond the specifics of the now healthcare law, a considerable majority of the public have found the legislation too cumbersome and the legislative process too rife with rampant deal-making. I believe most Americans accepted the fact that some effective changes could better serve the health care industry and public at large. However those changes should be COST based rather than access based. Tort reform alone could relieve medical professionals of huge cost burdens now and result in lower insurance premiums, and increased access down the road. The funny thing about Americans is, if you provide them with good value you won’t need to make special giveaways to entice them to participate.

As for the Attorney General’s of nearly a third of the union’s states, they have already filed suit in court to block the healthcare legislation from burdening their respective state’s rights as well as constitutionality of the law to their individual citizenry. No less than two dozen additional states have immediately offered up State resolutions or bills to limit the over-reaching scope of the healthcare law. They argue appropriately, that it is unpalatable with the Constitution that individuals are now forced to engage in REGULATED commerce (buying health insurance). By definition NOT buying insurance is NOT commerce therefore unconstitutional to regulate or effectively TAX citizens who make that choice.

States are starting to feel like they are being burdened disproportionately as Congress seems more interested in symbology rather than substance in its legislation. Our nation’s lawmakers misguided desire to ‘save face’ for the President by shoehorning in ANY WIN at ANY COST is unprecedented and a slap in the face of all fair-minded Americans. Indeed Patrick Henry would be reinvigorated, nay terrified to watch the path his country has stumbled upon. Where are the true anti-Federalist patriots like Samuel Adams, to wake us up this generation of Americans and set them straight again? Oh, that’s right I forgot … they drank a six-pack of HIM and are sleeping it off in the Congressional chambers.

Congressional Babies

Ok since we’re going to talk governance for a minute, you’ve got to have preamble right? So before I go a step further, REMEMBER, nobody sane (and even the border-line folks like myself), subscribe to promoting violence or real threats against anyone or any group especially our lovable politicians. Uh-Oh, I forgot about Al Qaeda; I think it’s still ok to threaten them? But just in case, I’m not going to call Bin Laden and wish him ‘ill will’ on his answering machine, or drop off that protest coffin in front of his cave.

Yes, the drama continues just days after the healthcare bill becomes law. Congress people (presumably ONLY the 51% who voted FOR the bill), have been receiving distasteful comments and threats due to their recent vote. Without being too much of a smarmy ‘fence-straddler’, I understand the frustrations and frankly ‘fear’ on both sides of the debate. Nobody feels at ease, especially public figures, when the masses are offered a truckload of CAKE, yet remain frustrated and pointedly angry regarding a particular issue. On the other side, it’s just as frustrating to be one of those masses, speaking out, waving your hands wildly, and sending warning flares to your Congress people and oddly they just don’t seem to get it, or worse care?

Regardless of your take on the healthcare issue, EVERYONE knew that the rancor was already getting fairly high pitched when the public started to feel that their ‘majority will’ was being ignored by their Congressional representatives. But then before the vote, Speaker Pelosi, chose to smugly march defiantly up the House steps grinning ear to ear with a giant 'Wile Coyote' gavel. To the general populace, Pelosi acted like a botoxed Cheshire cat, thrusting her thumbs up as an ‘in-your-face’ replacement for the ’more central’ and distasteful digits that she actually wished to show the public.

Is it any wonder, that once this bill was rammed down America’s collective throat that it comes out looking like Foie Gras in the end? Even people who loved some of the ideals of the bill, hated the way Congress behaved. It is unconscionable to think that these bureaucrats WORK for us and yet they repeatedly ignore our calls to slow-up and get the RIGHT healthcare bill, not just any bill. I looked through every dictionary in my house, and next to the word “Representative”, I nowhere found the words or concept equivalent of, ‘Blatantly Ignore and Discount’ as part of the definition.

So to the Congressional babies who cooked up this crock and are now whining about a little heat in the kitchen, don’t worry it will pass. In the short term, we the people might enjoy a little venting and what’s left of free speech at your expense. But by November 2010 we’ll help relieve you of your misery. Yes by then, the air conditioning will really start to kick in as you’ll soon find yourselves voted ‘Out in the Cold’!