Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Barefoot Bandit needs clown shoes

Well justice finally caught up with that scoff-law, the so called “Barefoot Bandit”. I actually resent using his media moniker because in some odd way I feel it validates his criminality. The simple truth is the guy was a petty low-life thief and I was ecstatic that the Bahamian authorities paraded him down the streets like a little puppet-monkey, before extraditing him back to the US. It seems the Swiss could have learned this lesson too if they would have pulled their finger out of their chocolate, and quickly Fed-Exed Polanski, the “Namby-Pamby Pedofile” back Stateside.

Though I have no compassion for villa-bound Polanski, there was a liberal part of me that felt concern for the poor barefoot kid’s damage - TO THE EARTH! Who wants this dumb dude’s dirty feet walking unprotected on any of our precious soil? I wondered, had this loser’s ‘Gigantor’ feet made it impossible to find properly-fitted footwear, possibly spurring on his antisocial life of crime? I shudder at the thought of the magnitude of the bandit’s crime spree, if big-boy ‘pants and panties’ had been as hard to come-by as apparently his shoes were.

Understanding this relationship between crime and footwear caused me to take preventative STEPS with my own daughter. She won’t mind me telling you that she has really big feet. Actually they are more like bridge abutments with toes. This obviously concerned us when she was young for fear that her future career was limited to two choices . . . Clown or Criminal.

So with a ‘life on the run’ out (tripping hazard), and Ronald McDonald’s refusal to retire gracefully to let a real GIRL do a clown’s job, my wife and I had to act to save my daughter’s future. For her birthday, we broke into our bacon money and covered the cost for our daughter to buy some custom designed shoes. Since the Chinese have nothing better to do than mold rubber for freakishly large American feet, they also give you free reign to choose colors, laces, imprint, styles, height etc.

Yes it’s high time for the Barefoot Bandit to reach down in his ‘sole’ to declare ‘Carpe Feetum’ and embrace law-abiding footwear. I have linked the NIKEiD site here if you too are blessed with the Monitor and Merrimack instead of feet at the end of your legs. Now there’s no reason to skulk around barefoot and live a life on the lamb or any other farm animal. Because with today’s technology, it’s a simple feat to confidently KICK crime to the curb, and make your very own pair of custom clown shoes!


  1. WHOA!!!! Fair warning next time you post a pic like that, I can grab my sunglasses.

  2. Ha!! I loved all of your play on words. That's my kinda humor, man! I also LOVE your comments on my blog. I love when people get my humor and toss some of their own in there, too. I particularly liked it when you said you go into an elevator face first and stay that way. That is making me laugh out loud right now. I will definitely try that soon. I'm glad I found your blog! I'm looking forward to checking out egg-ceptional physics & that piece about K2, as I'm reading "Three Cups of Tea". I'm just starting it, but it has been about a hiker's failed attempt at reaching K2's summit and the life he had afterwards. Anyway, 'nuff 'bout dat. Nice ta meetcha!

  3. AGREED!! I think they should arrest the mom too for being a D*** A**! Have you seen any of her interviews? AND the woman has hired a high priced entertainment attorney to shop his story! Appalling!

  4. I'll walk past the barefoot bandit story and go right to those AMAZING SHOES! I went to the link and have played around building my own pair that I won't be buying. Not for a while anyway, but it was fun seeing all the color mixes. :) Nike happens to be my favorite brand of shoe, and like your daughter, I have BIG feets! :) Solid foundation I like to call them.
    Those shoes are SWEET!!!!

  5. If your daughter reads this blog you're gonna get hit with a shoe! Didn't you once write that she had such perfect feet that she should be a Foot Model? Well she walked into a fashion pic on your blog today.
    As for Barefoot Boy, the media, with their nickname, made him a hero to all the little punks who'd like to steal, bash expensive property and get away with it. We will hear more of him when Hollywood and other profiteers merchandise him mercilessly back at us.

  6. I was having a conversation with my brother about him. I read a People article about the BB, several weeks ago, and I had no idea that he was being glorified until then. I work with teenagers who do that crap, and I don't find it funny or awesome. I'm glad he was caught.

    Maybe I can be the Topless Bandit?

  7. I'm glad he was caught too! It's ridiculous how the media builds it up, all it does is encourage the delusional mind.

    BTW, I took a look at your Auto Spa post, yeah, you definitely got it much worse than I!