Barefoot Bandit needs clown shoes

Well justice finally caught up with that scoff-law, the so called “Barefoot Bandit”. I actually resent using his media moniker because in some odd way I feel it validates his criminality. The simple truth is the guy was a petty low-life thief and I was ecstatic that the Bahamian authorities paraded him down the streets like a little puppet-monkey, before extraditing him back to the US. It seems the Swiss could have learned this lesson too if they would have pulled their finger out of their chocolate, and quickly Fed-Exed Polanski, the “Namby-Pamby Pedofile” back Stateside.

Though I have no compassion for villa-bound Polanski, there was a liberal part of me that felt concern for the poor barefoot kid’s damage - TO THE EARTH! Who wants this dumb dude’s dirty feet walking unprotected on any of our precious soil? I wondered, had this loser’s ‘Gigantor’ feet made it impossible to find properly-fitted footwear, possibly spurring on his antisocial life of crime? I shudder at the thought of the magnitude of the bandit’s crime spree, if big-boy ‘pants and panties’ had been as hard to come-by as apparently his shoes were.

Understanding this relationship between crime and footwear caused me to take preventative STEPS with my own daughter. She won’t mind me telling you that she has really big feet. Actually they are more like bridge abutments with toes. This obviously concerned us when she was young for fear that her future career was limited to two choices . . . Clown or Criminal.

So with a ‘life on the run’ out (tripping hazard), and Ronald McDonald’s refusal to retire gracefully to let a real GIRL do a clown’s job, my wife and I had to act to save my daughter’s future. For her birthday, we broke into our bacon money and covered the cost for our daughter to buy some custom designed shoes. Since the Chinese have nothing better to do than mold rubber for freakishly large American feet, they also give you free reign to choose colors, laces, imprint, styles, height etc.

Yes it’s high time for the Barefoot Bandit to reach down in his ‘sole’ to declare ‘Carpe Feetum’ and embrace law-abiding footwear. I have linked the NIKEiD site here if you too are blessed with the Monitor and Merrimack instead of feet at the end of your legs. Now there’s no reason to skulk around barefoot and live a life on the lamb or any other farm animal. Because with today’s technology, it’s a simple feat to confidently KICK crime to the curb, and make your very own pair of custom clown shoes!