Charity’s Net Worth

Even though I have a reputation as a hard hearted miser, deep down I have soft side too, but that is mostly due to consuming so much doughy Wonder bread and starchy white rice. As I have gotten older I certainly have become more generous, though nobody seems to appreciate a free sneeze from a geeze or moldy whiff from an old stiff’s scent. Too bad though because I know if given the chance I have a lot more charity to give the world beyond communicable diseases, dandruff, death and taxes.

For example, just like ‘nice people’ I unload a bag of canned goods on my porch for the needy a couple of times a year, though the racoons have never mastered using a church key very well to open them. Don’t hate me just because my food supply tends toward dents and often consists of everyone’s cupboard staples - expired sardines and Vienna sausages. Yes sometimes I feel bad holding back all of the delightfully aged, bloated and ‘botulistic’ tins of Beluga for myself; but I know everyone has guilty pleasures of their own and I’ve particularly had a ‘tough ROE to hoe’.

Next to sleeping, I actually have become somewhat of an expert at sitting most of my life which makes me one of the most ‘CHAIR-itable’ people you’ll ever meet off your feet. Like many others I’m sure, I would work harder at volunteering a bit more if the government would just raise the minimum wage to motivate me to do so. Obviously given my mental faculties it’s a no-brainer to pass-on a little wisdom to those in need but if they want the most value for their EBT cards they’d be better off to buy somebody else’s Swiffer instead of my vacuum.

Out of sheer good will (and having nothing at all to do with taxes) by early April I try to give the shirt off my back to thrift stores but it’s too stained and holey so they only accept my barely abused and under-used household goods instead. Since I truly can’t live without all my Cabbage Patch collectibles I just donated, I urge my cockeye-wheeled shopping cart back to the thrift outlet after my stuff is tagged and bagged to buy it all over again. Not only does this do a lot of good for those billion dollar charities with 80% overhead who need my cash more than I, but I finally get to find out what my True net worth is too.