Thursday, April 3, 2014


While every Target or WalMart has seemingly endless bins and boxes of stuffed animals to ‘hawk’, I wondered if REAL animals ever get jealous of all the attention stores pay to the fake brightly colored fur they wear?  The only real respect animals get in most stores is in the pet food aisles and even there the dirty little secret is that the protein derived from kibble and bits is made up of their ACTUAL brethren’s kibbles and bits. How would you like to wander down the canned food section of the grocery and have to choose between packed human varietals like ‘prisoner’ (a little tough but plentiful), ‘gardener’ (for you Vegans), or ‘politician’ (pickled in lard but still often spoiled).

Bovine leather is fairly well represented in stores especially in the shoe aisle, but except for boots few items reference ‘cow hide’ as the source – which makes sense because who really wants to know they are walking around in cow stuff all day. Oh sure gators and snakes have their trademark luxury bags and boots to show off in country western bars and Florida souvenir shops. However the only real ‘rattlers’ and commonly available slime-covered consumer goods are in the ‘baby’ and toy sections of stores where I shop.

With portable storage enthusiasts and survivalists in mind (since they have biologically cornered the market) you would think marsupials might have challenged ‘cargo’ pocket pants for major retailer placements. Instead, those dumb waltzing Matilda’s end up focusing their efforts WAY too far down under on lowly Underoos to pack in who knows what for who knows how long. Nobody should strive to store stuff in their skivvies so let’s just leave the undergarment biz to the silk worms since they don’t crave exposure to the light and everything slides off of them anyway.  

I guess it’s no wonder rabbit’s don’t make great garments since Angora sounds like a war-torn country and nobody buy’s brand new ripped up clothing  - except oh yeah,  denim teens hopped up on Trix and designer envy. Clearly too geese are still surly about being in the closet, since their feathers are always crammed into pillows and whenever I try to grab one to take a nap, they just duck down and try to bite me. At least the turtles have made it to the mainstream stores and clothing sections because my wife often enjoys their sweaters - but it’s too bad that they can’t make proper fitting clothes for anything below the NECK.

1 comment:

  1. I find this post extremely disturbing!
    I do enjoy a can of Soylent Green once in a while, though.