Friday, February 25, 2011

The cardboard ‘Stare master’

I stopped by the market to pick-up some calories in hopes to maintain my girlish Mac truck-like figure. Oh I know you thought fat grows on trees, but no, I can tell you first-hand that it has to be nurtured, cultivated, and honed on the bone to find ones ultimate Twinkie nirvana. As I grabbed one of those big grocery wheelie carts of latticed plastic, I noticed a woman staring at me. Now I don’t mind the attentions of a female just like the next hot-blooded monkey, but in my past experience, when the ‘double X-set” become fixated in a glazed gaze, it usually means trouble and makes me a tad unnerved.

Did I have an enemy ‘bogie’ between my bicuspids, or worse yet some other nasty foreign BODY hanging defiantly to my all-American one? The latter would have been likely far worse than any old chunk of ground cow or stringy asparagus doing gymnastics from my Dentyne-white ‘chew hole’. Fortunately, my tender ego was never tested since upon a comedic double-take, it turned out that the girl who could not take her eyes of me was NOT even breathing. Whew – crisis averted!

Yes stuck to my cart was some kind of real estate lady’s big giant head emblazoned upon a glossy placard with an oddly penetrating stare and Chia-pet hair. Far worse, was that her cloned noggin and ‘evil-eyes’ were not only glued to my cart, but on to every other basket in the store and parking lot too. I’m not sure I would want to see this woman even once in real life, much less go grocery shopping with her every day?

The last thing I need is some clingy real estate woman hanging around and second-guessing all the frozen and pre-packaged foods that I buy. “You know frozen peas and tortilla chips don’t sell houses … what’s needed is a hint of refreshing cinnamon, a welcoming bowl of cherries, and a healthy hand of bananas to close the deal”. Hey, I know I should consume more fresh fruit and veggies, but honestly who comes to a supermarket to learn to eat better from a cardboard sales lady with hypnotic eyes? If I truly want to stay healthy, I had better avoid the grocery temptations altogether and simply opt for the other STAIRMASTER at home!


  1. Makes me wonder what the advertising rate for a shopping cart is. As the cart fills you would cover up the ad. Maybe you could find some non appropriate item to snap a picture next to the face. Remember when they tried those little computer devices attached to the cart handle. That did last long. We need robots to do the shopping for us.

  2. You really had me laughing at the girlish Mac-truck like figure and really, really laughing when I realized you were talking about a real estate lady on your basket. You are hilarious!

  3. No, no, no don't ever stop shopping just use the hand basket instead. Hey you might get lucky and have a REAL lady stare at you and maybe offer some help if you over stuff the basket full of goodies...She see your sweetness or sweet tooth for that matter and think now this is a man who's not afraid to indulge!

    Remember, never give up, never surrender!