The cardboard ‘Stare master’

I stopped by the market to pick-up some calories in hopes to maintain my girlish Mac truck-like figure. Oh I know you thought fat grows on trees, but no, I can tell you first-hand that it has to be nurtured, cultivated, and honed on the bone to find ones ultimate Twinkie nirvana. As I grabbed one of those big grocery wheelie carts of latticed plastic, I noticed a woman staring at me. Now I don’t mind the attentions of a female just like the next hot-blooded monkey, but in my past experience, when the ‘double X-set” become fixated in a glazed gaze, it usually means trouble and makes me a tad unnerved.

Did I have an enemy ‘bogie’ between my bicuspids, or worse yet some other nasty foreign BODY hanging defiantly to my all-American one? The latter would have been likely far worse than any old chunk of ground cow or stringy asparagus doing gymnastics from my Dentyne-white ‘chew hole’. Fortunately, my tender ego was never tested since upon a comedic double-take, it turned out that the girl who could not take her eyes of me was NOT even breathing. Whew – crisis averted!

Yes stuck to my cart was some kind of real estate lady’s big giant head emblazoned upon a glossy placard with an oddly penetrating stare and Chia-pet hair. Far worse, was that her cloned noggin and ‘evil-eyes’ were not only glued to my cart, but on to every other basket in the store and parking lot too. I’m not sure I would want to see this woman even once in real life, much less go grocery shopping with her every day?

The last thing I need is some clingy real estate woman hanging around and second-guessing all the frozen and pre-packaged foods that I buy. “You know frozen peas and tortilla chips don’t sell houses … what’s needed is a hint of refreshing cinnamon, a welcoming bowl of cherries, and a healthy hand of bananas to close the deal”. Hey, I know I should consume more fresh fruit and veggies, but honestly who comes to a supermarket to learn to eat better from a cardboard sales lady with hypnotic eyes? If I truly want to stay healthy, I had better avoid the grocery temptations altogether and simply opt for the other STAIRMASTER at home!