Friday, April 1, 2011

Bling Zombies

Apparently lots of people buy jewelry and watches from these ‘home shopping’ cult channels on TV but I do not know a single one personally. Now mind you that doesn’t mean that I have a snobbish lock on style or am above buying the stuff. It’s just that shadows like me in the ‘witless’ protection program shun being ‘watched’ and my other jewelry was hand selected from sugary breakfast cereal boxes and candy-coated Cracker Jacks.

I’ll admit however, some of the robotic presentations of attractive baubles, bangles, and bling do catch my attention from time to time, but probably for the wrong reasons. I did not know there were so many ways to describe faux diamonds and gold-filled chains. I bet no matter how cheaply the jewelry is made, those fancy clasp boxes and velvetine pouches are just as good, if not better, than those at the mall jewelry joints though.

I also catch myself staring at the ‘Stepford-esque’ hand models with their abnormally long and shiny, perfectly hypnotic nails. Just once in those extreme close-ups I would like to see a hint of some work-dirt under their bear-sized claws. I mean even Dracula and the Wolfman have to pick up some random cuticle DNA-grunge during the course of a productive work day don’t they?

Oh I know my RONCO-wired brain hopes for far too much from those fashionable TV hosts and jewelry junkies. I should just stick with the more practical shopping channels hawking stuff like huggable animal pillows, omelet pans, & ultra-absorbent towels. Oh no – the ‘fool’ moon is here, I think the glittery gullible transformation has begun; I feel myself being drawn back into the Jewelry shopping network trance. Hopefully, in a last ditch plea for jewelry-zombie freedom, I have just enough time to scratch out a microscopic ‘HELP ME’ message on my perfectly manicured nails . . . unless of course, I have already bitten them off!


  1. You just reminded me it's 'time' for a manicure, but I better 'watch' out and make sure they don't make them too long!!

    April Fools...I don't do manicures!

  2. Why is it that we linger on these channels longer than their worth? I do the same thing. I think it's because we're thinking "who watches this crap?" and apparently it's just another dude like you wondering the same thing.

  3. That's a new one for me - hand fetish
    You know if they used a stubby scarred hand to show off the stuff they would get a fresh round of attention which is what they want.

  4. A hand model, I'll never be. :) I still bite my nails. Ugh. I know.

  5. I bought something from them once.
    An ex-boyfriend used to remove the channel from my favourites list. He liked to piss off my daughter, who was home between semesters from University. seriously...

  6. You are so funny! I can't see you watching jewelry shows. RONCO, yes, but who doesn't love a little RONCO. Amirite or amirite?