Friday, May 13, 2011

Disconcerting discoveries

Hey I am a fan of exploration just like any average blowhard, but there are a few great discoveries that are not so special particularly when they are happening to you! To this day my folks still remind me of this fact just because I was a tad eccentric as a kid. I NOW know the tuna fish sandwich hidden in my room’s desk for a few weeks was a dumb idea, but back then it was an edible experiment in marine microbiology ‘to gnaw’ on.

So since I apparently STINK at the sciences and look too cartoonishly fat to study Yoga bare, at times I turn to the laundry room to clean up my act. But sadly recently, along with my dried-up duds, tucked under the multicolored blanket of fabric fur, I was horrified to extract a flattened insect body out of the dryer’s lint trap. Now I understand why my Underoos BUG me so often - they offer safe-harbor to disgusting brown dung beetle McNuggets.

Now discovering unwanted ‘grubbies’ upon your body may seem unpleasant, but I can tell you it’s really not all that bad, and anyway you can always choose NOT to have children. But if you do, the only other mouthy parasite which can take the cake even faster at a younger age are weevils. Yes there is nothing like baking and inhaling a tray of tasty cookies only to find they are tasting you back. Aside from me, my kid is the only pesky pantry pest infestation that my wife willingly tolerates.

Whoever said ‘ignorance is bliss’ was probably referring to that ‘bugified’ food or more likely the half-pint capacity of my ‘stubble-covered’ tub of ‘I can’t believe it’s gray matter’. I really hate being so oblivious but at least I provide a valuable service so my blonde friends have someone even dumber with which to match wits. After all who wouldn’t be in awe of getting home from a lovely sunny walk to discover they’ve been blessed with a hole-ly garment malfunction. Getting sunburned in the shape of a zipper may not rank as one of man’s greatest disconcerting discoveries, but indeed it proves I do have oddball tendencies!


  1. UGH!! Weevils!!! Had an infestation of those in an apartment building I lived in years ago. They were awful. Had to put everything in sealed air tight containers. Thanks for the memories....blecch.

  2. My "Don't Have Kids" list just keeps getting longer. :)

  3. My dad once fell asleep on a inflatible boat in our pool with his hands crossed over his chest. He got terribly sunburnt with ten distinct fingers splashed over his chest. We ragged him for years! Hell, we still tell that story for a good giggle.

  4. Bugs are everywhere!!!! I try not to think about them. We all have mites living in our eye lashes. Really creepy!

  5. We've had preschoolers with lice before and although those nasty buggers never crossed over to my 'blonde' head of hair, my scalp starts itching with the very thought of it.

    A little FYI for your wife. Storing your pasta and flour in the freezer helps control the weevil population! I've done it and it seems to work!

  6. Only weevil story We have is buying a box of
    Cream of Rice. When we returned it, the California Clerk-Punk grinned as we told him
    what was wriggling in the box when we opened it.
    Then he yelled to his buddy: "Hey, they had
    Cream of Rice with MEAT in it! Yuk Yuk!"
    He refunded for our very last buy of Cream of
    ANYTHING cereal.

  7. are you telling us that you don't wear underwear when you go for a walk? Should we alert the justice department? :)