Thursday, September 15, 2011

Stinko de MAYO

Oh don’t worry I’m not going to attack your precious Pinata’ holiday, which is only celebrated by the unholy union of alcoholic Americans and Mexican food joints anyway. Nor am I going to squeeze the OLE’ out of your Guacamole despite the fact that no matter how great the taste, it will always look like the spew-stew from a well exorcised and very envious cat. No this rant revolves around a condiment of another color and my genuine dislike of everybody else’s favorite ‘seagull sauce’ - plain o’ Mayo!

Yep, I know that certain lobes of the globe are in love with the tan-less Mayonnaise bread spread, but I’m not sure if I’ll ever know why? I thought in school the one thing we universally agree upon is that, it’s NOT a good idea to eat the paste. So what’s the rush every morning to call-up a dairy dollop of emulsified oil and egg to better butter our buns? I mean honestly nobody really ‘gums’ this goo do they - its only real job is just to be the ‘Elmer’s’ between the turkey and the toast right?

Hey don’t get me wrong I don’t play favorites. I rarely relish few relishes and only periodically will I pop for the Poupon to pique my passion. Yes I’ll head for the bread anytime especially when paired with a fresh roadkill & peppercorn roast, but why do these rubes want to lube my food so liberally anyway? Is this slop they serve-up so bad, that the only hope to savor its flavor is by Miracle or Whip, or maybe a heaping helping of both?

Whose the ‘yolker’ who decided that slathering my Chik-Fil-A ‘sammitch’ in a blanched blanket of wet & greasy ‘egg-toplasm’ is a good idea? Can’t you read my beak - “NO MO’ MAYO!” If chickens wanted lots of eggs surrounding them all of the time, don’t you think they’d cross the road and buy a carton of their own? Oh well I guess, like my writing and my whine, when it comes to food, I’ve just become a plain spoken and a DRY kinda’ guy. Too bad as I get older and older, my pants can’t say the same.


  1. My husband likes Miracle Whip. I like mayo. He tries to convince me they are the same thing, but then refuses to eat mayo. He's weird.

  2. This is one of your funniest rants ever! Lots of plays on words in this one. :) I LOVE mayo. Yummy yummy in my tummy. I love guacamole, too, despite the fact that it looks like cat

  3. We are 'a house divided', a post I wrote a while ago about Mayo versus Miracle Whip. My husband and his family tree relish in Miracle Whip and it's indeed a miracle that we can even co exist. As for me, I'm a Mayo girl through and through.

    It's a good thing opposites attract and at least the husband will eat the mayo as I will not even touch the foul taste of Miracle Whip.

  4. Rare form, my friend!

    And would you believe I enjoy mayo -- AND ate the paste? There was just something about the Elmer's...


  5. LOL ... I love the way you write!

  6. My kindergarten class had a kid who used to eat paste. Teacher asked him "Why?" He said "Cuz It's sweet." I tasted it and he was right. So why do schools have 'bad things to eat' which taste so good?
    But that kid was no genius. He used to shove crayons up his nose and scare girls. Finally a girl shoved him, he fell on the floor and rammed 2 crayons WAY up his nose.
    That's it. Just wanted to give this a happy ending.
    Thanks, Willie, for giving Mayo a reason for being --- It's FUNNY to make fun of!


  7. My new fave 'mayo' is egg-free at the health food store. Made with soya beans.
    Crazy rant. Love it.

  8. Hey!! I love mayonnaise. What I love more, however, is that you said "yolker". Hahaha!!