Thursday, April 12, 2012

Chair-man ON a board

Despite the rather ample fat pad that’s already glued to my caboose all of the time, I am at a loss to find a truly comfortable chair. I’m not sure if I am just big (vestigial) boned or if the wood (in my head) is getting harder but something has got to change with these chairs. Even when I try to make padding out of random packing materials like cardboard or those Styrofoam peanuts, they still feel lumpy, itchy and uncomfortable inside my pants.

Anyway, sitting and I are not great friends even though I have trained intensively to do it pretty well. The only kind of sitting surface I haven’t broken is an ancient hunk of craggy granite in a National park, though my wife swears I cracked that too. It’s a rare chair indeed that hasn’t succumbed to my beguiling bulk, weighty wiles, and corpulent charms, because as a giant slug I’ve left a long sad trail of splinters, screws, and sticky wood glue.

Yes I should be forever known as the Von Richthofen of furniture flattening. Like that nose art emblazoned on fighter planes, I need to pridefully start marking off how many chairs my big ACE has killed off and turned into matchsticks and toothpicks. After my long caREAR , obviously not only is my ‘Baron’ very Red but by now I’ve should have earned the BLUE gluteus MAXimus medal.

Ok ok, so I see your point – with a track record like mine it’s clear that I never ran a track in my life, and it’s no wonder why no one manufactures chattel for the ‘PRATTel’ that’s supple to my ’RUMPle’. Soft furniture simply won’t suffice anymore since so many hefty folk are packing on the pounds and they must build every hard board sofa for the ‘loaf-a’ of an ‘oaf-a’ like me! Still, I can someday wish for pillow-puff downy-dreams down below can’t I? Maybe if I am lucky, somebody will eventually come up with a truly effective STOOL softener!


  1. Perhaps if you wrapped yourself in 10 or 20 layers of that industrial-sized bubble wrap it might help. Plus then you could mail yourself anywhere without harm.

  2. Your father told me you even broke one of your highchairs. The other stayed together only
    because it was glued together with dried, sticky food droppings.
    PS-- I also found that you thought every
    CB Radio call that started with "Breaker,
    Breaker" was for you.
    You are TRULY funny.


  3. I know what you mean about chairs!
    Add to that, bad backs, we have been having a time.
    Greetings from Cottage Country!

  4. Go shop where Paul Bunyan buys his furniture.