Thursday, May 23, 2013

Boggled by the Bagel

I’m a simple single cell-phone organism so usually when my beady peeps and I slither into the kitchen for morning sustenance I’m not really in the mood for mysteries. I prefer my eyes red, the coffee black, the butter puddle yellow, and the bagel tanned to a perfect shade of cocoa. Just like bread, bagels too should be factory sliced but unlike my white n’ airy ‘GLUTEnous’ wonder loaves, the Einstein who makes these bulky bagged bagels won’t cleave them COMPLETELY clean.

Can someone explain to me why cutting beans from the vine or bananas from a tree is apparently so simple, but to perform a basic bilateral ‘bris’ on a bushel of bagels is beyond belief? Really is it that hard to sharpen up a saber saw-toothed tiger or take a karate class or two and learn to cut my stinkin’ bagel through and through? Maybe I need to help those bagel-boilers learn how Gentiles around here traditionally ‘break bread’ better and wetter, with a little extra wine to make hard tack and tasks go down easier. 

I might forgive the lack of cuttin’-production if those 3rd shift factory vampires were naturally repelled by everyone’s favorite breakfast breath freshener – the GARLIC bagel. I can even understand the soporific slicing of the PLAIN ol’ holey rollers can become boring, bland, and banal even for the bravest of bagel pirates who will remain ‘CUT-lass’. But I specifically bought the upscale ‘Everything’ ‘beigen’ which I think clearly implies that not only are the flavorless, indistinguishable seeds and crumbs on top included, but also somebody put in EVERY effort they had to hack the hoop completely in half!

Sadly this bagel-ballyhoo mystery is giving my mush-muffin a fork-SPLITTING headache. Not only do I have to go bankrupt to still buy a decent ‘steam-free’ bagel, but now I have to rent a knife-wielding Ninja too to cut them in two? So what's the answer as to why in the world even the BEST of the bagel breeds won't make the ‘cut’ - obviously some old school bagel bakeries are still not comfortable making breakfast for seedy beady ‘BISECT-uals' like me!


  1. A man-sized table-saw bagel slicer would be the perfect gift!

  2. I got one of those "Everything-On-It" Bagels.
    Truth in advertising! Cuz tasted like the
    Chimp who tops 'em didn't wear a hairnet, OR
    a sneeze-guard. I'll stop, as too much
    unappetizement coming ACHOO.
    But your 'cutting pains' were funny for us!

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