Thursday, August 1, 2013

VanGoo Gut

Despite being farm raised, and on really special occasions barn fresh, when it comes to appreciating the fine arts I am in a special class. Oh sure it may be a really LOW class with only 3 pupils counting myself and both eyes, but it’s true I do enjoy all kinds of unique art. Since both of my parents were involved professionally in the arts, it’s no wonder from an early age I developed a honed, high-class AIR of sophistication on the subject - though that may be just the talkin’ broccoli and beans barking.

Sadly my own artistic skills have been more typically limited to the scratching of straight lines along the back of a ruler, but my wife says it irritates her so I try to contain myself. Oh sure I’m a master at blobbing fluorescent paint by the numbers upon fancy black velvet, but as my eyes age it is getting harder to pay homage to the passing of Elvis by reading to black lights in the bathroom. I’m lucky though since I still have at least one artistic outlet that I carry right on the FRONT of the only clean shirt I have left on my back after taxes.

Since I’m naturally clumsy and as a necessity must maintain my road-hugging girth, I am forced to eat at least ten times a day. Don’t worry despite my Yeti dimensions I am health conscious and always demonstrate the ‘split side’ of my personality when Dr. Oz is on by turning my back to the TV, before eating a magazine of Girl Scout cookies and a carafe of cow. Inadvertently however, during my frequent feedings, can I help it if I’m genetically part sow so not all of the colorful chow that I plow actually makes it downtown, but rather ends up on top of my shirt though I don’t know how.  

While a top-drawer gallery is the way most folks get to see the best of abstract expressionism, my artistic dribbles n’ daily drool make it far easier for me, since my canvas-covered abs-sack n’ pecs dresses in ‘em. Yes despite the best that a jug of bleach can leach from my frocks, over time all of my sticky shirts look like unseen smocks from a closet of  the late Jackson Pollock.  Needless to say by day’s end, my fun drum of a ‘tum’ becomes a bit dotted, spotted, and sprayed by colorful food trays and an array of buffets making me truly a classy part of all things ART! 


  1. Ugh! Black Velvet Paintings are deemed to be the
    OPPOSITE of 'Artistic' even if the depictions of Elvis
    and Jesus and the unclad girls are perfectly rendered.

    But what if some great artist actually does a masterpiece
    on black velvet??? Would he be praised, as if he'd used
    standard canvas? Or would the art-critics' habit of
    condemning velvet just kick in and kick his painting out?

  2. Sounds as if you might be part Wombie, too. We like to eat non-stop throughout the day.

  3. You are a nut. Funny there was an ad for larger women's dresses below your blog post!