My Shot at Olympic Gold

I think if there was an Olympic sport for old moldy dudes who shouldn’t compete in the Olympics then I would be a fierce contender who would ‘meddle’ in every event even without trying. Yes it’s tough to be ordinary, un-noticed, and uninspiring but I work at it hard every day and by all measures I am fairly successful. I am a reasonably strong Kong and tenacious type but to really take advantage of my tiger-like competitiveness, donuts, greasy food, or a Cracker Jack prize have to be somewhere in the mix as a motivator. 

One of my primary problems with organized sports is that they are ‘ORGANIZED’. It just takes too much work (and malt liquor) to find a crew of athletic inclined homeless people willing to run around and get sweaty for quarters and halftimes. Even then, the really good ones all have agents that want to negotiate for shiny new shopping carts and matching t-shirts with the holes and sweat stains all in the same places.  

Frankly the proper footwear for the proper sport has always been a constant bother for me too since tying shoes has never been my strong suit. Yes because I make ALL toe-toppers into slippers whether they tie or knot, more than once when bounding after a ballistic lawn dart I have inadvertently thrown a shoe or two. For ordinary sports like chasing after cars or dancing with the devil it has never been a problem, but sometimes after backgammon in a Middle Eastern coffeehouse, tossing either your shoes or cookies across the room can be seen as a tad disrespectful.

So don’t look too hard for me at an Olympic venue unless you catch me flee’n the Agean or in a Greek sandwich shop named ‘Olympic’ as I leer-o at a Gyro but ultimately go fo’ a Hero! Too bad networks won’t telecast true endurance sporting events showcasing an adept sense of balance and important life skill like I have honed over the years. Since I’m a master at balancing a hot laptop on my soft gut-spot in a red recliner, I know those 5 ring judges  would be so impressed with the prowess that I possess that I would have a sure shot at the gold … ‘Gold Bond’ powder that is!