Thursday, August 21, 2014

Fasten Nation

Given just the accidental food palette of mucilaginous messes that I retrieve nightly from my bib alone, I’m amazed at the number of ways I can stick stuff together when I really want to. Oh sure Superglue is the top glutinous glop fastener but it’s too expensive to eat so I stick with paste for most meals. My wife prefers I give Gorilla goo its due since it better befits my personality, monkeyshines, and bad habits of breaking ‘hard to glue things’ like bread and wind.

Since they take so long to grow, I rarely nail anything except for the flies that try to ride astride my hide. I prefer using screws whenever possible if working with dense wood - though it’s true as I've been accused, that a few have come loose in my head. Though I’m good at stringing people along, I was never a Boy Scout so I am not skilled at tying knots except in extension cords, earbud cables, and mobile phone charging dongles.

I flip over staples instead of clips because even though I like trigger clicks, I prefer lots o' butter over guns, especially if I have to store them for long periods of time. Zip tied bread bags and those fancy ZipLoc leftover storage sacks are useful as hats, but often they make me breathless and blue when diving for snacks. Sadly breaks in pipes won’t disappear even when I try transparent tape instead of solder, so I usually use the opaque duct stuff to do the job yet oddly the mend still leaks water. 

Is it any surprise that I’m vexed by Velcro especially when it comes to keeping my shoes on tight during shock therapy and my white jacket straight and linty free? Zippers, Pins, and Clasps can be helpful too but more often get hung-up or de-railed instead of doing their job – I guess I need a more detached attorney firm. Since I push them so often, clearly buttons still fastenate me for shirts and Polo tops, but I despise them on garments further down South since they ‘pop’ n' drop at inopportune times and often cause mouths to DROP!


  1. Teacher told us chatterers: "Lock up your mouths and
    swallow the key."
    When I detected the error, I asked "If our mouths are locked
    where do we insert the key?"
    She shut me up. But didn't let on where
    she preferred I'd shove that key,

  2. You can't forget hot-melt glue, which can work wonders, even down unders.