Shoe Fly

Shoes are practically an obsession with some women. They have a shoe for every occasion of all heights, styles, colors, and textures. I have heard of a few fashionista men that have hundreds of pairs of shoes but I have never met one yet. On a scale of Bohemian males, my shoe prowess is about as low as it can go. I have a basic tennis shoe that I wear all the time, a pair of brown wingtips for meetings, and a pair of spit-shiny black patent leather shoes for weddings, funerals, and dinners with heads of state.

Since my family is in good health and comfortably loveless, plus I’ve prefer turkey breast not heads for supper, I rarely have need for fancy footwear. So of course that one pair of tennis shoes gets quite a workout in an average month. I rarely think about it, but once in awhile I will get self-conscious that my shoes look a little worn and green around the gills. Some of that is my misplaced pride of course, but also it could be that my formerly white shoes are stained green from cutting the lawn.

I have not quite progressed to the level yet where Velcro strap shoes instead of laces are the norm but I know that day is coming. I rarely tie my shoes now and prefer to leave them a tad loose so I can simply slip the shoes on and off at will. This works great most of the time however when recently subbing on my wife’s softball team my shoes came off when I was backing up to try and catch a ball. Even Charlie Brown could not match my sports skill deficiencies and flat-footed failure to grab that fly ball.

So I was thinking, I need a better way to keep my shoes on tightly but still a kick them off faster than unlacing. Beyond the goal to avoid the arthritic ‘geezer image’ as long as possible, Velcro just plain irritates me. That prickly stuff picks up seed pods, thread, grass, and lint faster than a bellybutton rubbing under a new flannel shirt. No, what I need is a ZIPPER or better yet those Hefty brand Zip-Loc press n’ seal type closures to keep my sneakers from flying off my feet during softball. Those things don’t collect lint and by today’s standards are kind of cool and rebellious like me – a male Fashionista with HEFTY feet.