Monday, September 6, 2010

Beer hater turns boozer

Uh with the exception of toasts at weddings, I typically go years between a glass of alcohol, and even then it is usually fingernail polish or mouthwash. Generally I am not a fan of booze because it creates lots more problems for people and society than the pleasure it can bring. Since I am already out of control most of the time anyway, I detest anything that has potential to add to my mania.

While I can accept the high-brow wine types and their quest to acquire a taste for varietal vintage ‘vino’, I have never understood the same affection for beer. I really dislike the stuff and even the smell of it will often make me nauseous. It is a beautiful drink to look at, but when it comes to taste and calories, the wife and I will slug back a Diet Coke anytime over any kind of beer.

Now with that said, my wife and I were on the prowl this weekend and found a beer making kit for sale at a garage sale for a bargain price. From an early age, both the wife and myself, really enjoyed our chemistry sets when we were young, so we mulled over the opportunity to learn how to make beer. The kit came with all the fermenting vats, hydrometer, sanitizers, brushes, bottles, caps, and capping machine. I could not believe all the gear involved just to make some foamy brown water when I have a perfectly good fizzy cesspool in the backyard that can do the same thing equipment-free!

So we will see how this experiment turns out in a couple of months. My first shock was that the grain and flavorings cost about $40 just to even mess with brewing your own beer. The second surprise was that you have to be clean – I mean REALLY clean to brew beer successfully. Who knew you have to take a shower to cook up a batch of mash and make beer? I always thought you just had to sidle up to a lamppost with a sack-covered can of malt, all itchy, unshaven and ‘fermenty’ - then nature would do the rest. I’ll keep you posted on my progress down the bumpy road towards ‘Monoblog Moonshine’. Gee maybe if I become a confusing, derelict boozer someday, my blog will read like a Hemingway novel!


  1. Sounds like adding "mash" etc. you'd make a mix of whiskey and beer! Maybe call it "Beerskey"
    or "Bwiskey?"
    But don't let me discourage you. Notice how many new alky drinks have come on the market. Even "Hard Lemonade" to get the kids started. Tsk Tsk.

  2. I once worked for a doctor who was a member of the hoity toity wine of the month club. Every month he got a new case delivered to the office like clock work. He also made his own beer. Often he had wine tasting parties or beer tasting parties. I always had an excuse NOT to go. I was afraid I would drink to excess out of sheer boredom then end up telling him what I really thought of him and the other bitches in the office. At the time I really needed the job.

  3. I need to show this one to my husband! He's right there with you! I could even see him buying the beer making kit (if it was cheap enough) even though he doesn't drink the stuff. Our neighbor across the street has a whole brewing factory in his garage (and fields of grain in his backyard- amber fields of grain...or maybe those are weeds. Hmmm...). As usual, I was thoroughly entertained by your post. I'm so impressed that you are keeping this up with the posting everyday bit. Hold on, seeing that you posted 64 times in March. I am now confused. I am off to investigate...

  4. No wonder you hate beer. You're in America. Move to Canada, dude. The beer is MUCH better there.

    Marlene (not a beer lover....but you will occasionally catch me slugging back a Canadian beer if it's really hot out, and the beer is really cold...oh, and if I remembered to bring any across the border)