Saturday, November 13, 2010

Smoke Signals

I think other than my Mother, I have an inherent distrust of things that are designed to protect me. Actually I am not so sure about my mom either because she seems unusually obsessed with that ‘Bad Seed’ movie. Ever since I saw that flick with her, I have avoided boat docks and bad weather for the last 30 years and I never, EVER have shown her any ‘medals’ that I have stolen from my friends.

The problem is that I guess I am a better learner by example. I know I should be more trusting but I think it is actually prudent to VERIFY the stuff charged with the responsibility to keep me alive. I guess that means I need to run into something to see if my car air bags and seat belts work reliably? I would be very disappointed if I paid for all of that technology and it doesn’t work if I need it. I wonder how you test ‘Body Guards’ if you are rich and famous? I admit I rarely have to dodge lead bullets but it’s all those pies that I am usually avoiding that worry me. Maybe I should get a skinny cook rather than a fat body guard so I can watch the calories fly by?

You know it is kind of funny, they make us test smoke detectors every six months and yet not once has anyone ever checked my seat belts or air bags on any of my cars. What’s worse is that I KNOW how many false alarms I have had with smoke detectors after a bad run-in with some rogue popcorn or a Cajun blackened Pop-Tart. In the old days when we had just one or two battery driven smoke detectors, I would just reach up and pop the battery out until the room aired out.

But now, when one A.C. powered detector goes off, it sends a warning signal to its 15 other noisy friends occupying every impossibly high ceiling in the house! I have no idea which detector is causing trouble at two in the morning, so I have to wander the house in a jamied stupor, putting my life in danger checking every room for smoke. I have never been in peril from fire but I have had a few close calls popping into random bedrooms sniffing conspicuously – most people don’t appreciate that kind of attention from an old geezer. Gee I am sure lucky to have all of this reliable modern technology protecting me … I just wish those Indians would have let my Mayflower ancestors in on the secret that ‘smoke signals’ are really REALLY noisy!


  1. It's about time you blogged, dude! Have missed your posts!

    Don't even say the smoke detector word around me today.....I tried to silence the darned thing yesterday - and it STILL kept beeping after I took the batteries out of it. WTH?!! Turns out, it was the OTHER smoke detector, that was installed just seven feet away (who does that?!) that was chirping! Boy did I feel like a dummy.

  2. I agree with Marlene, where have you been anyway??

    Your post reminds me of an episode on Modern Family. Phil was running around the house looking for the beeping detector...Yeah, I guess you have to watch the show to appreciate was funny!

  3. You are always making the best points! Why don't we test out our airbags??? Great question! BTW, I LOVE The Bad Seed & have seen that movie at least 5 times. Do I need help?

  4. Once in California our smoke detector started chirping during CRICKET season. Not the kind the British play but the crawling and chirping kind.
    Ours so exactly imitated the authentic Cricket Call that I snooped around all our rooms at 2 A.M. with a can of insect spray. Then I found the REAL culprit. One long squirt and that detector never made that, or ANY sound again!

  5. You would have loved my dad's motto when us kids were growing up, "Remember, everyone's trying to hurt you execpt for me. And maybe your mom. Maybe." :)

    -Lady Fromage