Friday, April 29, 2011

Bigger IS better

I generally am not a big fan of nails, nine inch or otherwise. Whenever I have tried to build houses with nails, the birds don’t like the pounding since one side of the nest will get loose as the other side gets hammered. To avoid this problem I prefer using screws and aspirin to hold the birds together. This is why the popular term of elation ‘Nailed it’ has a much more negative connotation to me than the phrase ‘Getting Screwed’ does.

Since I’m old and nails are cheap, I make a point to have lots of them AROUND since only stupid kids appreciate ‘screwing around’. I figure when the economy really goes south, I will use my nail hoard just like money. It makes a lot of sense actually because instead of leaving a tip when you’re done with your meal, you simply will leave a pile of ‘FINISHed’ nails (POLISHed nails always look prettier, but those manufactured in other countries will work just as well too!)

Where did that stupid expression ‘Tough as Nails’ come from anyway? Whenever my hooves exceed the tips of my toes by the slightest of margins, they bug me and splinter off easily in ‘half-moony-cure’ crescents. If nails are so strong, how come the wimps bend so easily when smacked and leap to retreat at the first clickety- clack snap of a 99 cent Walgreens chromed clipper? If the true toughness of keratin is the measure, like any guy, I would rather face life with a big burly beak than your run of the mill fancy-nancy nails.

If I had that big nose it might make sense, but with my big mouth instead, I have never quite understood the attraction to long fingernails either. Why would anyone want to paint, fritter, and tease a set of wild thing talons anyway? Except for opening stubborn bags of Fritos, I don’t want 10 giant protein enhanced Xacto spikes fastened to phalanges, anywhere near my exceedingly soft tissue. The only exception to this rule is for bears because as long as I have a hot jug of joe and my current girthy gusto to keep me company, everyone knows that the BIGGER the bear, the BETTER the BEAR CLAW!

10 comments:

  1. This reminds me that I have to use nails to put in a new shelf in the laundry room.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you've nailed every definition of the word "nails" in this nail post. :) I bite mine. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. All I will comment on is Women's Long Sharp Painted Nails:
    They are prettier to look at, (from a distance) but actually dangerous to hold hands with.
    In fact, that goes for so many women in general. Just like their nails, they're safer to look at from a distance.

    .

    ReplyDelete
  4. = = = And from behind!

    .

    ReplyDelete
  5. Now I'm hungry for a bear claw.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Back in the day ( the 80s ) I grew my nails dragon lady length.. now not at all and not that you care.. just thought I would share.
    Also? Now I want bear claws. Yummy

    ReplyDelete
  7. Too much up keep for me. I don't do nails, maybe because getting hammered is not my style. HA!

    Fun post, as always!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. You could always use wooden pegs for construction instead of nails, but they probably wouldn't work so well as currency.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nailed that post. Not good getting screwed. My dad left me tons of nails. When we moved in the previous owner left lots of screws. He is a furniture builder.

    cheers from Perth!

    ReplyDelete
  10. the picture gave me goosebumps. scary nails.

    ReplyDelete