Friday, April 15, 2011

Ivy League

Yes this week, I joined the ranks in the hallowed halls of the Ivy League. I’m not snobby (though I personally avoid ANYTHING calling itself a Whiffenpoof) nor exceptionally over-educated in any way. However, I’m not bragging but I did do pretty well on my SAT. Yeah, despite my lackluster performance on the blog section of the college entrance test, I always have proven to be an exceptional SITTER.

Ok, so even though my house key clearly says ‘Yale’ on it, I suppose it’s too much to ask for you to believe I am a high-brow prep prospect? Probably smart since despite my aged ‘Good n’ Plenty’ torso, my mental acumen is more closely aligned to that of a ‘Tootsie Roll Midgee’. In any case you’d make a good cop, because this week, in my brush clearing ‘honey-dos’, I must have run up against some poison ivy ‘honey bunches of DON’TS’!

Oh not to worry, it isn’t too bad. As Elmer Fudd might say ‘I have one wittle weeping wound just wight of my weenus'. Oh geez, before you start giggling like a hormonal white-gloved Whiffenpoof, dust off that dictionary and understand that my pointy head is aimed at my elbow, not my zipper-D-doo-dah! The heart of the tell-tale ivy inflammation is a little bigger than a quarter but itches almost as much as whole silver dollar.

I’m actually proud to be a member of the scratchiest of glee fraternities from a major ivy. If people annoy me or I don’t want to do something, I simply hang my wing in their face and threaten to effortlessly exfoliate . Except for those rubber-gloved TSA airport cops and proctologists, most of the time my victims take the hint and steer clear of my business. It’s too bad though because I would’ve liked to shown them my leafy green diploma. It’s a ‘Scratch n’ Sniff’ sheepskin of course because I majored in allergens and without a doubt, I have truly earned a B.S. degree from the Ivy LEAVES.


  1. Ahhh, the weenus. The kids I work with love to yell that around to to people.

  2. I at first thought "weenus" was how a guy with
    Swedish dialect talks about "Weenus de Milo."
    Then I looked it up. I saw a couple of definitions, one of which gives you a 50% chance
    of not being profane.
    So clear up your weeping weenus by slapping on
    some IVY DRY. And next time wear gauntlets when

    PS: Your blog was a lot funnier than Ivy rash.


  3. Dang....I want one of those YALE keys.

  4. Another great post goes down in history! You always manage to make me laugh!! :)

  5. As whiffenpoof, I'm extremely Poofed about those Yale keys.

    Ah, crap, I don't think that made sense. Or did it? This is why the ivy league never let me in

  6. Your posts are so entertaining and full of so much good stuff. Every sentence is like a surprise and a present. You are hilarious and so witty!

  7. Oh deer! I'm sorry about the poison ivy, but your post did make me laugh! A few years ago, my entire face got poison ivy, and was huge and swollen and terrible! I get poison ivy pretty much every summer, definitely not fun!!