Friday, June 3, 2011

Celebrity Pie Beats the Pyramid

Wow first in Egypt and now the U.S. Department of Agriculture – what is everyone’s sudden interest in messing with control over the pyramids? Being blessed with a pointy head myself, I can understand how confusing and truly mysterious the area (1/2b * h) inside triangles can be. I’m guessing the ancient Native Americans were confused with this food pyramid thing too since they seemed to prefer MOUNDS over Almond Joy when given choices to chew.

So assuming they weren’t interested in dentures or x-rays, the USDA introduced ‘MY PLATE’ this week though ‘my trough’ would have personally meant more to me. I am so thankful to replace the food pyramid with this new dinner plate of caloric proportions, especially since the diameter of the thing seems open to interpretation. Yes, up until now, I never knew that fruit and veggies are better for me than my regular ‘Foie Gras’ injection of jelly beans, hard tack, and a keg of nog. In all honesty though, I’m not sure what it is that they really want me to eat, because the chart definitely reminds me more of a delicious pot PIE than anything truly healthy.

I think in today’s Hollywood obsessed culture the USDA should have used the pictures of celebrities in place of the common food group categories. I don’t know about you but when thinking of pure white dairy foods, what young teen doesn’t swoon to the likes of that angst ridden pasty-faced vampire kid? And when it comes to whole grain goodness, let’s not forget the pride of crying Indians everywhere since he feels our squeals for a bowl of ‘sugar coated Maize pops’ at dawn’s first radiant crack.

'Swarzenporker' is the only slab of hormone-injected Braunschweiger who appropriately represents protein on our celebrity pie chart. Oh sure he’s the ‘Wurst’ and a bit fatty around the head but I have it on good authority that his heart is lean and very mean. I’m also pretty sure that ‘exorcised’ pop-tart Richard Simmons will happily do a capable job as an energetic proponent toward a fruit-filled life. Oh and lest we forget everybody’s favorite comedian, Carrot Top can surely fill the bill in all but ONE of the 50 vegetative states. Not only does he round out the nation’s ‘harried’ nutritional aspirations but just a lock off of that mop always magically seems to find its way into MY PLATE of chum chow!


  1. Hahaha Ok so I'm doing away with food altogether, there's got to be something I can live on now that you've ruined the food pyramid for me!

    Great post my friend great post!!!

  2. Thanks for clarifying this Billy.

    Thanks also for your faithful visits to the Back Porch! I appreciate it!

  3. Our overpaid National Nutritionist No-it-alls
    can't stop congratulating themselves for
    reinventing the Pie Chart !!! And it only
    took them as long as we've been staring at
    the Food Triangle before we dare eat anything.
    Oh, but their contribution is a chart with
    Pictures. Doesn't McDonald's use something like
    that so their counter people can just push on a
    pic of what you ordered? Gee, hope we can keep
    up with all these ultramodern breakthroughs!


  4. You're such a card! Thanks for stopping by, and I will let you know on my decision for the camera. I just have to make sure it has that feature in it for a shaking hand. lol I just saw 'Swarzenporker' (I love that - lol) on Conan the Barbarian yesterday. They had two of those movies during the day. I cannot stand Richard Simmons he's so strange. Didn't care for Carrot Top either. Oh well. So guess your pie chart isn't to my liking anyways. LOL Have a great weekend my friend. HUGS

  5. I couldn't get past 'Swarzenporker' because I had to go upstairs and change my underwear.

  6. Haha! I never quite understood the pyramid anyway. Doesn't food just slide right off of it? A plate makes a little more sense, but I like mine supersized.