Friday, July 15, 2011

Bells N’ Whistles

For an old guy I still try to embrace new technology. In fact as often as I can I hug the new dishwasher and tell it how much I love it while stuffing its craw with greasy fowl leftovers and bowls of dried-on Midwest grits n' bits. I don’t particularly care how clean the dishes get as long as it steams my corn and is silent but NOT deadly to my inbred clan. Yes, other than a few muted arcade beeps, every time I open the thing, the dishwasher returns its gratitude for being a member of the family by simply existing in silent bliss.

Unfortunately most technology in our noisy lives often plots to bite us on the otitis. How can Monks and other old world primates like myself ever hope to achieve inner peace when everything now ‘burps’ ‘slurps’ and keeps ‘waxing on’ UN-poetically in my ‘Eire’ canal? Today it is clear that my gizmo and gadget habit works overtime to hammer my anvils and hum on my drums even without a formal proposal of marriage.

For example, by now Juan Valdez must be deaf since whenever I add water to the coffee machine it tweets like a fruit-loopy wet toucan. The water pot pumps, pops, and creaks with groans of protest. When the brew cycle is complete it peeps incessantly like a hungry hen and screams even louder when it shuts itself off. Who designs this ear muff stuff - horrible aural sadists? If I’m allowed to ignore my kid whenever I want then why can’t I motor my ‘Hoveround’ to end of the driveway in peace and ignore my seatbelt’s chirpy chimes too?

I’m not against new fangled progress but I can’t be the only Amish sympathizer to want technology’s bells without a clapper or its whistles without fipples. I accept that the world needs to slobber over clobber but I’m just not sure if in my own home sanctuary all that stuff needs to beep, bleat & peep MORE than I do. Don’t worry I’m not a crazy shut-in yet and can take the strain. But I am a little worried about those steamed cobs though . . . the corn have started shoving sticks in their ears.

10 comments:

  1. I just simply had to chuckle at your "old guy" description!

    Enjoy your weekend Billy...the tropical heat wave is returning.

    ReplyDelete
  2. All those "Ting-Tinglers" of equipment in use
    makes us believe your name might be "Suess."
    (And it's a Cinch you're a heckuva Grinch.)

    Funny and Punny, as always. Thanks.

    .
    .

    ReplyDelete
  3. I got a new phone a couple of weeks ago, which I love. My one complaint is that when the battery gets fully charged, it beeps. And I can't figure out how to turn it off. So it wakes me up in the middle of the night. I hate my life.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I forgot what I was going to say after I read the first comment! LOL!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Listen to you old guy my fanny! I bet if I said dinner's on you'd be the first one at the table. Yep, my gram was from Palermo, Sicily and I stayed with her while my Mom & Dad worked in the summer when school was out. Gram taught me everything and they say I make the best Lasagna in town, and you should taste my Briscole. Hubby loves it! Have a great weekend my friend & thanks for stopping by.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hah! My hubby has a 30% hearing loss. He misses a lot, and for that he is grateful!
    Thanks for visiting http://mymuskoka.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  7. If you want, you and I could start a new Amish cult that only allows very basic cell phones, like rotary cell phones or something.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I have a quiet kitchen. All my appliances make very little noise. They're considerate like that.

    I do, however, have a dryer that beeps every two minutes if I don't come get the ding-dang laundry right away. It's worse than a toddler, that dryer. I hate it with everything I have. How's a girl supposed to ignore her laundry with all that beeping going on?

    ReplyDelete
  9. You are so smart to steam your corn in the dishwasher! Too bad you can't get in there, steam it, eat it & then have that cycle wash the plate & you at the same time! How awesome would that be? Might be a little hot in there, and cramped, but I'd do it if I could. So efficient!

    ReplyDelete