Thursday, August 4, 2011

Flip Flop Flap

As you may have guessed I am not a fulsome fan of the flip-flop frenzy. Not only are those ‘ toe-ropers’ hard on your golden arches, but even the most vein and cankle-free feet look homelessly informal, unwashed, and un-loved donning them. Though my fashion sense is even less than the non-cents in my pocket, I still have enough scents to know when a bad fad really stinks!

I mean jolly ‘ol Jesus sold the heel-less sandal thing pretty well over a few thousand years right? So what crafty devil du jour all of a sudden decided to deviate from his I-PODiatrist’s playlist and start jamming to tight ropes in between his toe slopes? Gee when I was a kid I never remember ‘wedgies’ as being the ‘in’ thing and synonymous with breezy-free comfort and stylish good looks.

Why do these shoeless toe-Joes continually subject us to the terrors of their tootsie rolls, and flaunt their nasty callused & corn-covered ‘not-so-hot’ dogs. Believe me Nobody REALLY wants to see how your damp n’ dirty sausages are made. I can’t be the only unflappable fop left in this world who gets his tarsus in a twist or just a wee ‘wittle’ wiggy over the abuse of prodigious pink piggies can I?

Please do me and Dr. Scholls a favor and clamp-on a closed-toe shoe duo to marinate your feet-meat in. There is no better way to hush those unruly puppies and teach them to HEAL than by shoving them into a comfy all-leather kennel to call home. Yes, scuff no more my friends, ’cause it’s high-time to finally flip off those flops and flail freely toward their true-goo calling – Flattening BUGS rather than the balls of your boats!


  1. You know the pedicure conspiracy I posted a weeks ago. It's related. You get your toes all decked out and you want to show them off and need to wear flip flops. Never had a pedicure but I also don't think those are your toes in the picture.

  2. You sound like my husband!! He doesn't like the flip flops either. :)

  3. My daughter wears flip flops ALL the time, year round! Her feet are always black and she's teaching MY grandkids to do the same!

  4. I don't love them because I don't find them comfortable! I just wear those Five Finger creepy shoes.

  5. YAY. Glad someone said it. I don't wear flip flops, either. I don't find them comfortable, and they're just not me. (And clearly, some people who wear them should NOT....some feet were not meant to be seen in public! LOL!)

  6. Heehee.. yeah, I hate those things. They're hideously uncomfortable.

    And speaking of hideous, my toes look like hairy peanuts. I don't even subject mySELF to looking at them!!

    When I was a kid, we didn't call them flip flops. We called them thongs. I still hated them, though.

  7. Deary that's what pedicures are for! They're my summer shoe of choice!

  8. Haha! I'd agree with you, but we have a BUNCH of giant polynesian dudes that live here and they ALL wear these and they could ALL kill me with one finger. So I am just going to leave it at that.

  9. I don't think I've ever heard the dislike of the flip-flop so eloquently put! :o) LOL

  10. How about Birkenstocks on MEN?
    I couldn't write anything funny about them.
    A guy who sat next to me in a crowded room
    crossed his legs almost putting his big ugly
    foot in my lap. Maybe he was proud of how
    much he paid for those "not-quite-shoes."

    At least some women, rightly or thongly, have
    feet worth showing. If not, maybe you can find
    some other place on them to look.

  11. I whole heartedly agree with you! I detest feet and most people out there have some pretty narly ones. I myself have a pedicure and when you are running with kiddos they are easy to slip on.

    On the other hand you know many who wear them do not soak their feet even at their own homes and should not wear them! Can you imagine what their shoes and feet would smell like if you kept them hidden away in dark dank shoes? At least there is the chance of walking through a puddle or sprinkler and this at least would wash off some smarm that would otherwise be left to seep into every crack and callous!

    Re: the trio of cupcake dresses I'm sure my neighbors are most happy I don't join the little cuties on their little stroll. I'm afraid that would be a permanent nightmare never to go away!


  12. You are a fun and silly man with a great blog title. Plus, you've got a fabulous new follower.

  13. I just bought my first set of flip flops since I was 8. Hate them.

  14. All bare feet should be encased in cement. That would take care of the problem.