Friday, October 7, 2011

Everybody ‘NOSE’ it’S NOT syrup

Rarely I wake up in the morning without a jump start from licking a 9 volt battery, but even then I don’t spring to life with limitless pink-bunny energy. Like most loony baboons, I ‘doo’ what I have to do, but little else so I won’t unduly embarrass myself in front of the troop and my homeless alley-mates. Of course I brush, blow, & baste like all good zombies, but I should not be expected to be witty, scratch-free, or even understand ‘Ghoul-ean algebra’ until at least 15 minutes after sunrise.

So the last thing I have energy for in the first of the morning, is to fend off a thick gelatinous ring of gooey ‘Food Boogies’ from the sticky snout of my syrup ‘ba-ba’! Oh don’t act so uppity - yeah I said it and how many times must I warn you not to read my tripe while eating anyway? I can’t help it if your gag reflex has not yet been battle-hardened to the horrors of a seeping head-wound from Aunt Jemima’s nasty noz-noggin.

Yes, around here, we seem to have a growing epidemic of coagulated condiments in that handy-dandy ‘flexi-squeeze’ packaging. I mean who doesn’t relish the fun in popping a top on a ‘gunkified’ ketchup bottle or fondling a dilated and crowning upside-down squirter, with a crusty mustard-pustule tip of Grey Poupon? The only thing worse for me then hanging those scabby ‘goo-cocoons’ over my burgers n’ brats is having to clean and blow-free their snotty little spouts into a wet-nap-wipey without weeping woefully.

I don’t know when those ‘easy to knife’ cavernous jars with lids suddenly became so out of fashion? My ‘wide-mouth’ still seems to be working just fine and has remained relatively paste-less and tasteless, even after shoving salsa pablum in and out of it for a half century now. Oh sure the sinuses suffer and that spicy stuff can make my rosy nose-y unruly and occasionally ‘run away’ by my flagrant use of abrasive Puff-less off-brand Kleenix. But never fear I’m a mystified ‘drip’ with a nasal irrigation plan ‘cause my nose knows just what it needs – an easy-squeezy sinus-schnozzle!


  1. Smiling from the very first line! :o)

  2. You'll have to use BOO-lean Logic around Halloween.
    But I agree about the coagulation build-up around
    any pourable snouts. But don't forget PUMPABLE ketchup, like in fast food joints. I gave a pump on one at Hardee's before the cleaning-person had
    read your blog. Ketchup shot straight out sideways on to my shirt front. Had to walk backwards to my booth so nobody would notice.
    Goodbye and Good Blog!

  3. Oh boy, you're in my head again! I wish they'd go back to no nonsense old fashioned wide mouth jars just like you said! I hate food boogies! Mustard is the worst!

  4. You are so funny! You are the only person I know that could make a funny post out of the gooey stuff on tops of squeeze bottles. What a talented man you are!

  5. I just read that comment about BOO-lean logic for Halloween and I'm trying to figure out how to top it.

  6. When this happens to my chocolate syrup, I hit full-blown depression.

  7. I don't know, but I just don't think it's a good idea to squirt ketchup or mustard up your nose, no matter how tempting that may be.

  8. Leave it to a man to make a big thing out of a sticky bottle top that you probably left in the first place. Personally I wipe ours off with a hot rag before I put them away! LOL Now thanks for stopping by, and make me laugh so hard I had to run to the bathroom!!! I could just picture you arming yourself with the curling iron and soap! BWahaahahahahahahahaha LMAO Thanks for the great laugh my friend! Haven't laughed that hard in ages!!! Have a great day!