Friday, October 7, 2011

Everybody ‘NOSE’ it’S NOT syrup

Rarely I wake up in the morning without a jump start from licking a 9 volt battery, but even then I don’t spring to life with limitless pink-bunny energy. Like most loony baboons, I ‘doo’ what I have to do, but little else so I won’t unduly embarrass myself in front of the troop and my homeless alley-mates. Of course I brush, blow, & baste like all good zombies, but I should not be expected to be witty, scratch-free, or even understand ‘Ghoul-ean algebra’ until at least 15 minutes after sunrise.

So the last thing I have energy for in the first of the morning, is to fend off a thick gelatinous ring of gooey ‘Food Boogies’ from the sticky snout of my syrup ‘ba-ba’! Oh don’t act so uppity - yeah I said it and how many times must I warn you not to read my tripe while eating anyway? I can’t help it if your gag reflex has not yet been battle-hardened to the horrors of a seeping head-wound from Aunt Jemima’s nasty noz-noggin.

Yes, around here, we seem to have a growing epidemic of coagulated condiments in that handy-dandy ‘flexi-squeeze’ packaging. I mean who doesn’t relish the fun in popping a top on a ‘gunkified’ ketchup bottle or fondling a dilated and crowning upside-down squirter, with a crusty mustard-pustule tip of Grey Poupon? The only thing worse for me then hanging those scabby ‘goo-cocoons’ over my burgers n’ brats is having to clean and blow-free their snotty little spouts into a wet-nap-wipey without weeping woefully.

I don’t know when those ‘easy to knife’ cavernous jars with lids suddenly became so out of fashion? My ‘wide-mouth’ still seems to be working just fine and has remained relatively paste-less and tasteless, even after shoving salsa pablum in and out of it for a half century now. Oh sure the sinuses suffer and that spicy stuff can make my rosy nose-y unruly and occasionally ‘run away’ by my flagrant use of abrasive Puff-less off-brand Kleenix. But never fear I’m a mystified ‘drip’ with a nasal irrigation plan ‘cause my nose knows just what it needs – an easy-squeezy sinus-schnozzle!

8 comments:

  1. Smiling from the very first line! :o)

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  2. You'll have to use BOO-lean Logic around Halloween.
    But I agree about the coagulation build-up around
    any pourable snouts. But don't forget PUMPABLE ketchup, like in fast food joints. I gave a pump on one at Hardee's before the cleaning-person had
    read your blog. Ketchup shot straight out sideways on to my shirt front. Had to walk backwards to my booth so nobody would notice.
    Goodbye and Good Blog!
    .

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  3. Oh boy, you're in my head again! I wish they'd go back to no nonsense old fashioned wide mouth jars just like you said! I hate food boogies! Mustard is the worst!

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  4. You are so funny! You are the only person I know that could make a funny post out of the gooey stuff on tops of squeeze bottles. What a talented man you are!

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  5. I just read that comment about BOO-lean logic for Halloween and I'm trying to figure out how to top it.

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  6. When this happens to my chocolate syrup, I hit full-blown depression.
    xoRobyn

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  7. I don't know, but I just don't think it's a good idea to squirt ketchup or mustard up your nose, no matter how tempting that may be.

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  8. Leave it to a man to make a big thing out of a sticky bottle top that you probably left in the first place. Personally I wipe ours off with a hot rag before I put them away! LOL Now thanks for stopping by, and make me laugh so hard I had to run to the bathroom!!! I could just picture you arming yourself with the curling iron and soap! BWahaahahahahahahahaha LMAO Thanks for the great laugh my friend! Haven't laughed that hard in ages!!! Have a great day!

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