Thursday, February 2, 2012

Bun Bewilderment

When it comes to food, I’m bred from simple stock so the BREAD I eat should be easy to understand too. I don’t care if a basket of biscuits is good for me as long as these ‘Tom-fooderies’ quit trying to confuse me. Honestly with names like ‘monkey bread’ or ‘Indian Bread’ who REALLY knows what these things are? Maybe the snobby bakeries don’t want you to know that both primates and casino owners have been cavorting with and kneading your dough - which sounds kind of dirty unless you’re the banker of a baker?

Can we also all agree that cake, bread and doorstops are all completely unrelated and should remain that way when classing baked goods. What’s with these restaurants trying to pass off cake as cornbread? I mean just because it’s yellow and has a single kernel of corn in it doesn’t make it REAL cornbread. Also aren’t ‘fruitcake’ and ‘banana breads’ really just panned and browned ingot-freaks of nature? Cakes and bread are supposed to be fluffy, soft, good to eat and FRUIT-FREE! If you want to grind up some dirty ol’ black bananas, a pair of gym socks, and candied backyard fruit then pollute a pie but don’t taint my toast.

Maybe it’s just because I’m a little crusty behind the ears, because now I honestly don’t have any idea what the difference is between a Sicilian, Homestyle, and Chicago PAN pizza. I thought all pizzas were baked on PANS so as a marketing strategy who cares where the tin was made as long as my pizza crust doesn’t taste like cake or covers my craw in challah and cornmeal. Also, please STOP trying to search for the PERFECT breakfast bread by making my bagels sweeter and my doughnuts healthier. Let’s face it, like my underwear, if I’m already using ‘em with the holes, then I obviously DON’T CARE about perfection.

Life is too short (and sanitary) to break out in a sweat of confusion over the names and ingredients of baked goods. Up until now, I always thought that the bakery was the one place of floury solace where life’s answers truly were black and mostly white. Must too our rolling pins venture down the same muddied path that oils & proteins have already tread, never knowing what you should eat and what to avoid? I don’t know about you but I just want to butter-up my own buns and pans in peace and wonder no more if my rolls have high moral fiber or how many grains are contained in a perfectly pinched loaf!


  1. I love how you can write an in-depth piece about bread! lol :o)

  2. Leave it to you and your way with words!! I have a weakness for breads, like the homemade kind with butter smeared on it...Ah, my mouth is watering already!!

  3. I'm sorry. I love banana bread. But I don't wait for the bananas to get black and gross, I make the bread when the bananas are still recognizable.

    And I don't add socks.

    Although I've been known to use a (clean) sock as a napkin on occasion.

    What does that say about me?

  4. Cake pizza? That sounds like an idea worth pursuing!