Thursday, February 9, 2012

Clean BILL of Health

Ok I doubt that it is a big surprise and maybe even a reason to celebrate for some, but the fact is I’m DYING … but so too are you and everyone else a little bit more each day. See I really was listening in my ‘yellow snow’ journalism class in college, so along with my hair stylist named ‘Buzz Cutt’ I have learned to TEASE with the best of them! So there is no need to actually worry; if NUN of my bad HABITS kills me first, I should be around long enough to happily contribute to the earth’s much ballyhooed demise in 2012.

Apparently though I have unwittingly put a half century of wrinkles & regret on my calloused hide, so of course it was high time to subject myself to being poked and prodded by aliens in white coats with boney cold hands. Since I had not been in for a personal tune-up in a number of years they attacked me with triangular shaped rubber hammers, lights, needles, and narrowed eyes of concern, which is surprisingly similar to how I eat a cheap steak.

Except for overloading a freight elevator and fending off a devilish billing clerk donning a pitchfork pen and fiery torch, for a foot-dragging cadaver, most of my nuts and bolts seemed to have descended properly. Good fortune reigned supreme since I wore socks without holes and underwear so new and fresh that it doubled as my napkin at lunch. Overall my health bank account seems to still be in the black or that might just be my toenails and teeth doing the talking to the blind bookkeeper?

Though the long-term prognosis of my real BILL of health looks fine, the Doctor said, if I continue to deep fry, sugar dip, and consume ALL of the five food groups daily, I will finally make my parents proud by actually testing ‘ABOVE average’ for a change. Despite my mental faculties being young and as sharp as any seven year old, I think it’s clear my chronological age means I soon must consider the frightening prospect of the big ‘C’ too! Yes it’s time to pay the piper , face my fears, and quit turning my back on good health – well maybe I will turn my back on it just one more time … since tomorrow’s my COLONOSCOPY!


  1. The "Big C" huh? At first I thought you were
    going on a cruise on the Pacific Ocean, which
    is a mighty Big Sea.
    But they must either be really good for all
    of us, cuz all the Docs prescribe them. Or
    else really profitable.
    Just do as others do. Sleep thru it.
    Just "Dream while they Ream!"

  2. oh the big C, that scare the crap out of me....which I guess could be a good thing

  3. They're not as fun as the doctors tell you!

  4. Geez you are just tooooo funny! Every time I see a comment from you it always puts a smile on my face. Thanks for stopping by first of all. So the big C, huh? Been there done that DON'T want to do it again. The before is worse than the actual Colonoscopy, but being as you probably already had it because I'm late on answering my comments I hope everything was okay & that you get a total clean bill of health. I'll be back to check in on you. You're in my prayers tonight that everything went well.

  5. As is the way, goggle pops up an ad for weight loss!!!
    The puns are TERRIBLE!!!!! :-) I knew they taught it in school.

  6. The COLONOSCOPY!!! Well, I'm sure your pipes are just fine seeing as everything else is doing okay. I hope it is as fun as you had hoped it would be! BTW, I laughed out loud at your clean underwear doubling as a napkin. Such a great idea!