Thursday, February 16, 2012

Topless ‘HAIResy’

Oh I know in the ‘oh so modern’ super-model icon culture of today, one’s hair, or the way it’s coiffed, is supposed to really MEAN something. However, even when I was a bigfoot in full bloom and blessed with a full matted mane, what the looks of my locks meant to me was YETI one more chore that I DIDN’T love! Even for money, what average 4-H farmer kid honestly wants to regularly rake and take care of his own grass, so why would you think a dedicated 3-H (Hapless, Helpless, Hang-loser) teen meatball like me would either?

Yes, If it weren’t for repulsive hairless cats and society’s accepted norms of fondling follicles for shampoo ads and cutting n’ curling cowlicks for commercials, any sane person would pop their top for a chance to lop off their mops! Just think how easy, breezy and bright life could be if everyone were sporting a silky smooth high-shine chrome-dome. Imagine a utopian globe where fuzzies in food-stuffs, tufts in the tub and even cilium in the sink were the ONLY missing links to our pink little pigtail past.

Shaving our shocks would spur on big biz Velcro entrepreneurs the wig-world over and give our political leaders something truly important to ‘DO’ for a change - or at least stick their noses in when they make a mess. Imagine donning a crazy colored batch of thatch or any hairy n’ CAREy-free style ‘Do’ you desire, without the daily hairspray melee and endless salon fuss n’ muss. Forever forget teasing the tresses, corning rows, or dreading the locks for the prom and beyond, when you could simply stick, strip, n’ rip sideburns to split-ends - all pain-free and to your heart’s content.

Even though I am positive that cocky, balding geezer -eagles like myself would get on board quickly with a comb-free existence, I’m not so sure about their harried lady counterparts? While hot pink may be the fashion color of choice for dolls like Barbie; a frock-free n’ pink ‘neck-nub’ sprouting north of the nape, is not yet most women’s vision of the perfect head and shoulders. Too bad though, because considering how much quality time men spend polishing and servicing their fancy 4-wheeled convertibles, there are probably quite a few enticing advantages for MOST girls to go TOPLESS!


  1. We are not all Mr. and Mrs. Potato heads. The only time I had my head shaved was in the Air Force and I didn't have much of a choice. I don't care much for the Sineah OConnor or G.I. Jane look. I guess you might find a group of like minded people but don't be surprise they start call you a cult. Orange goes good with that look BTW.

  2. As I look around in any town, I see EVERY
    hair style that ever existed in America!
    And we are truly the Land of the Hair-Free, which
    now any guy, and a few women, don't have
    to wait for old-age involuntary baldness.
    And some styles take courage to wear, so we
    are, in that capacity, The Home of the Brave,
    and the Shaved.
    Now if we'd only become The Home of the
    Well-Behaved !!!

  3. Man. I really want to agree with you, but seriously? My hair is the only thing I have left that still looks good.

    I just can't (haha) PART with it.

    Have a nice weekend.

  4. Wombats don't have this problem, nor do any other animals.