Though at times I have been accused of being NUTS, the truth is when it comes to party snacks, I trend more toward the institutionalized ‘cracker’ category of insane behavior. Up until recently for empty calories, I have been a huge fan of just about any kind of crispy, baked, unleavened chip off of the old Matzo block. But then the holidays ‘harked-up’ on me, and my friends and family began to assail both my wagging tongue n’ tail with an EXCESS of handsomely baked and boxed salty encounters of the unexplained kind.
Hey if you want to tempt me with a truckload of Triscuits or weigh me down with a wide-load of Wheat Thins then we’ll get along fine, but what’s the deal with these pasty n’ tasteless , white ‘WATER crackers’? What kind of self-respecting baker cooks up a nasty cracker without any flavor OR color and then markets it as a delicacy rather than a mistake? I mean we all DO know that this salt-lick chip is really just a modern take upon a hunk of civil war hardtack, and is only truly edible with about a pound of flavored goo all over it right?
I understand that little reminders of plain-Jane austerity help keep me humble but isn’t the fact that I drive a twelve year old shopping cart and consider SPAM a wholesome food group enough for people anymore? Along with my life, I already DARN my socks too, so is it too much to ask that beyond saltines, can the rest of the crackers associated with me be appropriately colored and deliciously savory? That means even your cheesy ‘Goldfish’ will find a good home in my gut as long as they leave their rainbows back at the Farm and show up dressed ONLY in orange.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my extended familial troop and they are always welcome to swing by my doorstep any time of the year bearing pawn shop worthy loot and yes, even marginally edible snacks. However, so as to finally exhaust my ‘un-holey’ apocalyptic supply of indestructible ‘Yuuch-arist’ wafers on hand, I will insist on one minor change in the future. Beyond the customary nightly delousing and group grooming, everyone MUST consume their own body mass in these bland and banal 'nasty-crackers' … but don’t worry it won’t hurt - 'cause it’s just ‘Water Weight Gain’!