Thursday, March 29, 2012

The BUSHy league

Hey I know that it must be Spring because my HAIR is blooming. Yeah that’s right, I am the spawn of a rye grass mix and a barn owl, because as soon as it gets warm, it seems I’ve got funny fuzzy stuff growing out of my eyebrows, ears and whiffer sniffer. Usually I have enough sense to cut all this stuff off but as I have gotten fatter, I notice that crew cuts and close shaves make my shrunken head look a lot like a small potato sitting atop a pair of Playskool blue boots.

Mr. Potato Head is a fun toy I guess, but it is a lot less fun when weird furry decorations are sticking out of all its holey orifices. What concerns me most is not my main mane which I CAN see, but the tangled mass of random follicles that I can’t. Who knows what kind of evil plot of land is lurking behind my back at this very moment? For all I know beyond that dark mysterious canyon back there, my hind-spine has probably grown a shaggy Amazon jungle, replete with rare species of wooly ‘Man-moths’ and bushy bearded dragoons.

Oh sure I could always shave my unruly split-strands but then there would be more medulla in the margarine than the already obligatory toasty crumbs I preserve there. I’ve never waxed-on poetically but the next time I celebrate my hatch-day, I’ll enlighten my downy dome by burying it between two score and eleven lighted candlesticks. Of course if that doesn’t work there is always plucking, but then again I don’t know about you but even if the sky isn’t falling, I already know that I’m a little CHICKEN!

Hmmm... I might just be missing the boat by resisting this hairy opportunity before me? Hey I’m TUFT, maybe it really is my time to join the bush league and start teasin’ the weaves with a higher goal? Yes, it might be better to shake n’ bake in the sun to tan my tawny hide so I can sell my pigtailed pelt or at least flip a wig. Oh well no worries, since all this fiber is apparently growing on me, I’ll just let nature take its course and tame my tresses the same way old dogs do - by shamelessly shedding all over the place and rolling in the fresh cut DOOey grass.

3 comments:

  1. The title of your post made me a little nervous.
    I'm pleased to find out it was something else entirely.

    A few years back, Steve Ballmer, one of the microsoft guys (we move in different circles...) was in town. He gave a speech. The news filmed him backlighted by some big windows and you could see this amazing crop of fuzzy stuff ALL over his head.

    And I thought wow, the guy is a billionaire and no one is taking better care of his head/hair??

    hm.

    For me? My leg hair growth has slown down, but I have plenty of time for my mustache because I don't have to shave my legs as often.

    Now we both know a lot more than we did before.

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  2. As you get older, your hair does this to you just because it can! It stops growing where it should, and instead starts growing everywhere it shouldn't!

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  3. Hair growing all over you? Hmmm. Could mean
    you've been bitten by a werewolf.
    I know a really dirty guy who got bitten by
    a werewolf. How dirty was he?
    Well, they found the werewolf dead -- choked
    on a dirtball.
    If having a dirty mouth can kill, most of our
    standup comics are in terrible danger.
    Thanks for the warm n' fuzzy blog!

    .

    ReplyDelete