Thursday, March 15, 2012

Returning the Favors

Despite my love of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and all things saturated in fat, I do have a healthy respect for staying in shape. The problem is that my shape happens to be about the size of a ‘not-so-smart’ car and that doesn’t even include the extra spare tire and all that junk in my trunk. Still I do try to roll my #10 can out of the meat locker rocker every day to loosen my loin liggies and tickle my glute biggies!

Aside from a nice walk around a park or mall I get a good workout by chasing stray dogs who are chasing cars or runaway prisoners. Sometimes if I am feeling a bit more conventional I will gob my noggin and all other major muscles with linseed oil and head straight for the gym to show-off how strong (smelling) a Sasquatch can be. If nothing else, even if I don’t get in ship shape, I can practice ‘grunting’ along with the other power-lift posers, which is sure to impress the treadmill soccer moms or at least my hernia doctor later.

With the advent of mindless TV monitors overhead, I honestly enjoy the gym because it feels just like home, only without the budget-busting mortgage, sweat-free shirt, and a mouthful of greasy microwave popcorn. Up until now I always thought ‘ellipticals’ were associated with astronomy and something that planets did to draw attention from the sun. But now I know that they are also the best place in the universe to wear out endless pairs of astronomically priced tennis shoes without ever actually going anywhere.

Oh well, who needs all of those wanton luxuries when you’ve got your health, family, and the potential for a long life right? Anyway I have always been a proponent of fair-play and payback no matter how many two-packs of Pop Tarts I must sacrifice to gain a six-pack physique. You see, if I stay healthy, ripen up and avoid rotting for awhile, I’ll be around a LONG time for my kid. Then she’ll GET to return my favors by someday spoon feeding me pureed peas, driving me everywhere I want, & changing my diapers just like I did for her so long ago!


  1. Ah, me. You always have a way with words!
    We're well here. Back to regular workouts (30 min./day in the basement) after bronchitis, et al, and happy to be outdoors in the garden!
    Cheers for spring.

  2. We didn't change our kid's diapers.
    Didn't want to spoil him.
    We taught him "Just learn to appreciate the ones
    you're wearing cuz some kids don't have any."
    He said "You're right Poppa -- none of the kids
    in my high school have them. I'm a lucky boy!"

  3. OMG You're too funny & gross all a the same time. ewwwwwwww Thanks for stopping by & by the way I'm up to six lbs. & my blood pressure is way down. Totally cool. I'm walking around the park well half way it's like an inside circle instead of all the way around. Hell, I couldn't even do that when I was healthy. LOL Having many salads & fresh veggie soup. Last night I made my version of a Garbage salad you can get at Portillo's but without the mozzarella cheese & black olives & of course no poppy seed cupcake like they give, but it was tasty. I use Lite Raspberry Vinaigrette dressing most of the time on my salads, but today I'm so cheating and having a Reuben & the corn-beef has been simmering all day, but at least I'll cut away the fat & use low-fat thousand island. hehe How's that. Well Happy St. Patty's Day to ya & have a great weekend. Thanks for stopping by. Always happy to see a pretty face. ~snicker-snicker~ Oh okay! Handsome face, what a party poop!

  4. You owe it to your kids to live long enough so that they'll despise you.

  5. Haha!! Love how you see the bright side of things. I'm sure your daughter will love spoon-feeding you pureed peas someday. You are so right about that elliptical. All of that motion and wear on the shoes to go nowhere!