Despite my love of Twinkies, Ding Dongs, and all things saturated in fat, I do have a healthy respect for staying in shape. The problem is that my shape happens to be about the size of a ‘not-so-smart’ car and that doesn’t even include the extra spare tire and all that junk in my trunk. Still I do try to roll my #10 can out of the meat locker rocker every day to loosen my loin liggies and tickle my glute biggies!
Aside from a nice walk around a park or mall I get a good workout by chasing stray dogs who are chasing cars or runaway prisoners. Sometimes if I am feeling a bit more conventional I will gob my noggin and all other major muscles with linseed oil and head straight for the gym to show-off how strong (smelling) a Sasquatch can be. If nothing else, even if I don’t get in ship shape, I can practice ‘grunting’ along with the other power-lift posers, which is sure to impress the treadmill soccer moms or at least my hernia doctor later.
With the advent of mindless TV monitors overhead, I honestly enjoy the gym because it feels just like home, only without the budget-busting mortgage, sweat-free shirt, and a mouthful of greasy microwave popcorn. Up until now I always thought ‘ellipticals’ were associated with astronomy and something that planets did to draw attention from the sun. But now I know that they are also the best place in the universe to wear out endless pairs of astronomically priced tennis shoes without ever actually going anywhere.
Oh well, who needs all of those wanton luxuries when you’ve got your health, family, and the potential for a long life right? Anyway I have always been a proponent of fair-play and payback no matter how many two-packs of Pop Tarts I must sacrifice to gain a six-pack physique. You see, if I stay healthy, ripen up and avoid rotting for awhile, I’ll be around a LONG time for my kid. Then she’ll GET to return my favors by someday spoon feeding me pureed peas, driving me everywhere I want, & changing my diapers just like I did for her so long ago!