The Dope on SOAP!

Hey I know I don’t bathe twice a day like some of you clean-freaks, but that does not mean I avoid a good soaping up whenever a public fountain or truck wash presents a golden, shower opportunity. I actually like to be clean but for some odd reason my mother starting ducking her Head n’ Shoulders and shirking her Q-tip & Brillo duties when I turned the ripe age of 40.

Since I don’t want to blacken our catfish or the bathtub they swim in, these days I have to fend for myself perched on a bowl out in the North 40 (feet) of the back yard. It’s not so bad except for those cheeky beaky birds and their ‘shell-fish’ need to lord over the Irish Spring. The truth is I am not all that sure which soaps do what anymore? When I was younger we didn’t have a thousand cleaning choices like now; we just had Lava bar soap packed with pumice or a can of chlorinated Comet. They both did a great job of degreasing my dark parts and the only thing that could take the dirt (and skin) off faster was a potato peeler and a big bag of lyme – would I LYE?

These days, while I totally approve of a laundry detergent which can do it ALL, I am not completely comfortable with a soap that will make me smell like a DOVE. At Target, there are literally aisles of specialized hair cleansers for oiled, soiled, dry, fly, & flaky follicles - or now I wonder if I was staring at the cans of tuna fish? So what happens if my body pollutions require an all-of-the-above solution or advanced ablutions to get squeaky clean? Does that mean the cleansing potions I should only pursue are a slew of the new shampoos, or do I use a few, of the older tried and true goos too?

Yes I am beginning to babble because my knitted-wit is obviously confused over a current conundrum uncovered from this Cascade of cleaners. By my age, you would hope I had learned to cope with all the dope on soap and know how to use each product to its maximum benefit. But alas, my ol’ ego has egg-o all over its ID, because today I saw a news story of teens who seem clean, but surely must be even DIRTIER down south than me? You see - by sucking spigots of over-the-counter antiseptic hand cleaner, these ‘dumb-sters’ run a 120 proof alcohol jelly-belt down their gullets to clean-out all those nasty G.I. tract germs! Now why didn’t I think of that? Make bath-time FUN with a body wash, rocket fuel, and a martini all in one. Obviously I need to play in the sprinklers more often … and maybe buy some of those olives impaled with the little umbrella toothpicks!