Thursday, May 3, 2012

Like a Rancid Cowboy

I like horses just fine but sadly other than the fact that we smell the same, MANEly because both of our noses are hairy, I am not sure we have all that much in common. Don’t get me wrong, despite my shiny rhinestone personality and those manly tassels on my big boy bolo tie, I’m not really an urbane cowboy. No I’m tough as leather lingerie and truly know my way around chapped stuff since I rarely wear lip gloss and usually forget to wick away my ‘sweat-ness’ with a keg of baby powder. 
My earliest memory of my own horse was one of those springy steeds that galloped in one place in the corner of my bedroom. I rode the thing until I got saddle sores but those were from my parents after I wouldn’t listen and tried to ride ‘ol squeaky secretly after bedtime. Years later when I thought to make friends with a real horse, it tired of my ‘barn-chair’ quarterbacking (like most in my family) and chased me down to punt my rump good. Other than my feelings, I was fine but after you get a tattoo from a horseshoe, you don’t view them quite as ‘lucky’ anymore.

On my 2nd date with the wife, we rode horseback along the craggy California oceanfront plateaus down to the surf when it was still legal to ride the waves with your gelding showing. Sadly the romance was lost upon my bridal to be as she was destined to follow my trusty rental equine ‘Amigo’. You didn’t need to understand any Spanish to know that this raised-tailed, gaseous giant was no FRIEND to any terrestrial body, except maybe a feed-bag of Beano or a flaccid hot air balloon.

The date was appropriately ‘cut’ short as THAT definitely WAS NOT love in the air. I jockeyed the half-ton hairy bag of methane back to the paddock, taking special care to steer clear of open flames and avoid spurring his girth unnecessarily. Though I feared a saddle slide to the side and unpleasant ride, I even loosened the cinch a pinch since I’m no cowboy-Grinch. Worthy of a Remington bronze, what a perfect Western scene that me and my putrid pony made – a fragrant pair of jack-asses; the big one listing left on his broke-back mount n’ the even bigger one misting a whiff off a cliff!


  1. you made me miss my horse, actually she was a pony, but I still miss her after all these years.

  2. Yeee Haw ride em cowboy! Sounds like you need to get back in the saddle partner!

  3. HAY! This is Amigo, your horse talking!
    I know you were blaming all that air pollution
    on me just to keep your girlfriend from
    bolting! Everyone knows how sweet hay smells.
    A few hours of digestion shouldn't make that
    much difference. I don't give a WHINNY what a
    fake Rhinestone Cowboy like you says anyway.
    I'll bet a couple of BUCKS you're more of a
    GALLSTONE Cowboy!
    (P.S. I'm a mule! Hee Haw!)


  4. Bwahahahahahahahahaha OMG I'm gonna wet my drawers. You're too funny & so is your horse. What am I gonna do with you? Thanks for the laugh I truly needed that this week. Thanks for stopping by my friend, and have a great weekend!

  5. Oh my. You make me laugh. Haven't been on a horse since my teens. Not going to do it now!
    Hubby grew up on a farm with CLydes, big ones, and he played under tehir hooves. The big ones need not wield their power!

  6. I never expected to get horse dating advice here. Well, not horse-dating, but well, you know.

  7. Thanks for stopping by. I'm glad you like our new cool stuff. I hope you come back for Part II it'll be up tomorrow. I got to tell you when I was younger, having four kids, and being a single mom I never thought in my wildest dreams that I'd ever own a house much less have cool stuff. My 1st husband... well, let's say it was an extremely bad marriage. I love nic nacs & things of sentimental value no matter what it is. He broke everything on me. I have my stuff once again & this time around I found my soulmate. He's so very good to me & if it wasn't for my illness I'd be the happiest woman in the world. Great Kids, great hubby, great dog and the bestest friends. What more can a woman ask for! :) Later friend!

  8. I was thinking that a horseback riding date sounds so romantic, until I read the rest. Sorry it wasn't at all romantic. Glad she married you anyway.