Thursday, May 10, 2012

Bugged by ‘SPRINGer’ Cleaning

You’d think Springtime would bring a sense of renewal as the weather warms, plants break open their non-alcoholic Buds, and I cast the last of those nasty bed bugs from my cot. The problem is for all the Spring cleaning I want to do quickly around the lair, nature and its crafty cohorts are un-doing my progress even faster outside. Regardless of how tidy I keep my bowl, the birds are knitting nests and making a mess, while I try to sauce the wasps as they plot their next invasion from the privacy of their rafter-bound mud-huts.

Hey I’m always ‘game-y’ and will sweat on the oldies and even a few younger folks too, but apparently my shiny ardour also makes me particularly attractive to mosquitoes, flies, n’ gnats – who all need slaps. Isn’t this time of year supposed to put the bounce back in my step rather than something like a snap of a trap when I clap? Yes from their Red Tails to their yellow jackets, when Winter withers and temps get steamy, you can bet my hand gets creamy, fending off the aerial assault and pepper from nature’s finest flyers.

My Spring fling around here also means Thor and his drunk cloud-bound buddies keep throwing up trees n’ leaves while unleashing HAIL upon all who dare cross his path to test his wrath. As soon as I chop down the bushy bushes and seedy weeds, more clones have grown back taller and stronger than ever before. Now Mother Nature is so unstable and out of control, I am starting to suspect that she must be a Jerry Springer reject chasing all of her green n’ creepy crawly kin my way.

I’m a realist though, I understand that along with my dying beetle-body there’s room for at least 1000 other DIPlopods in this Spring break glue trap I call home. The main difference is that unlike nature, I have the decency to at least make my bed after I flop for the night, whereas my 6 and 8 hairy-legged brethren prefer to just curl up in the middle of the floor and twitch. Yeah, I have done that on occasion too after a big burpy buffet, but rarely when company is coming over and NEVER after my wife has put the vacuum’s ‘schnoz-nozzle’ away. After all I definitely don’t want to BUG her ‘cause she’s so much nicer when she’s a GLADfly!


  1. Your whole post reads like a poem. Ha! You should write a book, I think. A Dr. Seuss-y kind of book. You'd make millions! I like it when my husband trys to make me a GLADfly, too!

  2. I've found fire works a lot better on grasses and bushes. They take a lot longer to grow back when burnt to a crisp.

  3. Spring often brings a renewal alright - of Tornados and floods and Income Tax payments.
    Your itsy-bitsy bugs are just trying to hide
    from all that.
    Just step on 'em.
    But don't try that with a flood.
    Yes, you're a poet, though we didn't know it.
    You're sorta like Shakespeare. We don't understand some of his words either.
    Har Har. "To Thinge Own Self Be True."
    And to US just keep being funny!