Thursday, October 25, 2012

Wrinkled ‘Weener Revelations

As I age I notice that I have grown more impatient with the mundane daily tasks of life. Why does society burden oldsters like me with irritants like depending on our Depends to stay leak-free, shaving daily, or talking to OTHER people when I am already perfectly happy to talk to myself? It’s not that my faculties are failing, it’s just when your eyebrows and ear hair turn wiry and grizzled I thought you were supposed to get a gold badge , bible verse, or ‘Get out of Jail card’ that lets you act menacingly even if it isn’t Halloween?

Yes the young and dumber demographic wait all year for October 31st to wear sagging wrinkled expressions and baggy faces when I can do THAT any day of the week! Since the world is now so politically correct and sensitive to the needs of every cause and oddball group of goofs, why aren’t glaring-geezers greeted to a little extra consideration too? Why don’t WE, the ordinarily drooling, oozing, and oft irritating elders get one day a year of OUR OWN to emulate mindless and sophomoric tweens?

Maybe for just one day a year I want to be lightning fast on video games, or if that is too much to ask, at least be reasonably proficient with my own personal daily game of ‘Call of DUTY’! I like candy as much as any greasy kidlet, yet every October society panders to our chunky youth by luring THEM to our neighborhoods with the promise of bags and bags of free calories. I think we, the bald and breathless, deserve equal time, but since a breakout of acne might kill us I want every school kid to provide me fee-free, Fish Oil caplets and calcium enriched Milky Amnesia-goo.

I have lived a reasonably clean and moral life so why can’t a curmudgeon of my experience & efforts get a break, beyond a hip or a rib? Of course my hairless and hoary bretheren are impatient when every day we put up with stupid voice-mail menus sporting choices of Spanish or English, when in actuality we only want to answer that question at Denny’s for our omelets and muffins. Yes it’s time for my graying ilk to raise our liver- spotted former fists in arthritic unison and demand equal wrinkled Halloween rights – if for no other reason than for ‘Old TIMERS sake’!


  1. You should probably turn off your porch light and sit quietly in the dark, rocking and humming to yourself on Halloween night.

    Wouldn't want to get upset... right?

  2. Only ONE kid comes to our house now. It's a
    dark winding street with houses too far apart
    for quick strikes at Halloween Treats.But
    that one kid also sells Cub Scout popcorn that
    is so overpriced it sticks in my craw as much
    as it sticks in my throat. I should call you to
    answer the door and drool on him.
    Happy Hiding Out on your Hollow Ween!

  3. A senior's Halloween. Now THAT would be scary!