Thursday, November 22, 2012

Twinkgiving Tirade

What’s wrong with those puffy pastry-bakers over at Hostess – how can they turn their backs on my genuine need to feed the holes in my face with the Twinkie of my eye? Apparently ‘flour power’ doesn’t mean what it used to those ‘oven MITT-WITTS’ as they refuse to bake me up batches of boring ol’ tan-less Twinks anymore. Doesn’t anyone appreciate the fact that my pasty puff-pastry face needs care and  stuffing ceaselessly to support its parade-balloon proportions?

While I am a traditionalist at heart, this Thanksgiving I’ve decided to forego the farm fresh gobblers or bone-in spiral cut n’ glazed piggy parts. Don’t worry, I am still thankful for all those feathered and burly beasties that provide the beautiful bounty for my holiday table (the corner-store clerks). But this year given the threat of a snack cake conundrum looming over us all by those Twinkie Grinch-twits, I felt it necessary to craft a few confection inflections on my own.

Yes once again the heavy lifting of light-weight cooking is left to me - the consumer, and since I do constantly CONSUME, I decided to ‘spice’ up my own Twinkie trials with a happy mix of golden brown gingerbready batter. Sure I had to lighten up the mood of the food with some folded in whipped egg whites and a generous injection of mallow-laced melanin-free cream to taste. But other than that and a handy pan that I jammed in the band of my pants during a Hostess factory tour, I simply toasted the tubular Twinks to a typical time and temperature.

Of course in my own Twinkie defense, as an unaware and youthful Yeti I got accidentally left back by my school bus on that fateful bake shop tour, so I definitely deserved to be PANNED with that super duper greasy souvenir. See it’s really true then, even if Hostess tries to deny most of us, YOU can still have your T-cakes and eat ‘em too. Just spend lots o’ dough on batter and coax some caloric igloo-goo from a tasty pastry bag, and oh yeah just like those bakery boobs at Hostess – wander around aimlessly in your own world, jobless and LEFT BEHIND! 


  1. I haven't bought a Twinkie in ages. But now
    that they are fading out, I am getting the
    urge to have one. Maybe I should bronze it
    and put it on the shelf.
    Tweets are blaming the Union vultures for
    devouring another victim. The managerment bears
    some blame too, natch. But Unions are feeling
    empowered by re-election of those who support
    bullying of class war against business and
    capitalism. Willing to cut own throats to do it.

  2. You might have to go north to Canada to get your Twinkie fix as they are atill being made there.