Thursday, February 21, 2013

Close Ablutions of a third kind

With my wild eyed smile, hobo hair, and lost lemur good looks, I have never found it a priority to enhance my natural beauty with a lot eyewash and puffery, since that usually is my natural state. Oh sure I know the value of skin care by preening my pores and burnishing my blemishes with a good ol’ loofah licking now and then. But for sweaty lepers like me, we typically prefer to let nature take its course and make due with the HAND we’ve been dealt – uh at least … until it drops off.

Realistically I know that most folks feel it necessary to routinely quarrel with Mother Nature in an effort to kick her to the curb, if not outright try and finish her off in freeway traffic. Society seems to unreasonably demand that we all conform to be tick free, look and smell good – that is if we want to mingle among the masses rather than stay single , a Hun and classless. For me though it takes far too many LYES, both of the verbal and soapy kind, to power wash the musty husk from my crusty carcass, so I must improvise to fit in.

I admit I don’t do well at cosmetic counters and putrid perfumery gauntlets at the mall anyway. Except for my own beast yeast, I am not a fan at gagging and gasping for air from a breathtaking bouquet of sweet stink-water or the over-the-top prices they charge for the stuff. Even if I’m adept at SPF’s and my skin wreaks with radiance, who cares about another broke troll glowing under a bridge unless he’s on fire or playing in his own nuclear waste?

So even though I favor my own flavor of homeopathic dermatology, to save some serious scratch, I keep my wife happily in the pink with store-bought sticks for her lips along with soldiers of substratum for her lustration. Hey what’s wrong with saying ‘Hi’ to my own ‘Aloe’ as long as it works on my lard, even if my personal version of a lip ‘bomb’ has a greasy aftertaste and a bacon flavored fuse inside. There is one tiny difference though -  that ‘feet-cheese’ grater still doesn’t make my tootsies tingle as GOUDA as they usually do when helping to sharpen up a fresh homemade block of cheddar in a hot wax bath!


  1. Perfume for women is bad enough, but perfume for guys is crazy. Unless it's car grease or turpentine.

  2. Didn't know if you were talking about perfume, cheese or YOU.
    Or maybe you're some kind of a Big Cheese yourself.
    Strong perfume is bad on anyone. But maybe would help
    neurtralize the stench from Limburger or other inanimate
    big cheeses. Whaddaya stink about that idea?

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