Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine Surprise Gamble

Since I have been married longer than I’ve been legally able to feed myself or gamble, I guess you might say at the game of love I’ve been lucky – or at least haven’t CRAPPED out! Yes, despite my curmudgeony fud duddery about most holidays, I have a soft choco spot in my heart, as well as on my shirt, for Valentines day and all of its romantic notions. Who can knock a day truly shaped for simpletons like me where seeing RED is required and wrapping gifts in foil for your ‘goil’ is A-OK, as long as they’re crammed in a blood-colored box.

Don’t worry it’s just the sugar high talking. Truly aside from my bulbous ‘gut-blubb’ to rub and fluffy man-mallow membrane, my head n’ hide are still just as hard to get through as a cellophane sealed heart-box full of chalky chocolate. Even on ‘V’ day my wife expects nothing of me but to remain practical, predictable, and loyal to my nature, as more of an unadorned thorn in her side rather than a radiant rose always at the ready.

So to mix it up a bit this year, beyond a ‘hunka hunka’ of caloric candy love, I will remodel the bathroom and greet my wife’s frosty feet with a warmed floor and toasty heat treat. In our lav, besides me, we have a round, resource hungry and frigid sky-blue commode hung on the wall, atop an oh-so-cold basement with no insulation at all. Yes my un-loved blue-loo has seen better days, so with hammer, chisel and mission true, I must mount a shiny-white low-flow elongated pot, to hopefully NOT miss in on cue.

Of course before I can lower in any latrine or wire the tile to heat up my wife’s feet, I must first cut a big drain hole through the floor. The only problem is that in February around here it is about 35 degrees in the basement and that big ‘ol air hole creates a nice icy exhaust flume right under the current toilet SEAT! Now THAT chill will be the real unexpected  surprise that I give my wife this Valentine’s day, and for me – it’s a bit of a gamble … hopefully some ill-deserved love and WARM praise for all my effort!


  1. If you're worried about your wife's feet, why not get her
    some fuzzy slippers. That way it won't hurt you so much
    when she boots you in your gluteus for cutting ice holes
    in the bathroom in winter. Maybe you could flood the
    basement, stock it with fish and go ice-fishing?
    I'm outta suggestions. Except just keep being funny.

  2. You could probably cover that hole with a heart-shaped chocolate box. From which you'd have to eat all the chocolates first. Someone has to do it!