Thursday, February 28, 2013

Confetti makes me CRY!



Despite the preponderance of prattle that my puffy puss-portal perpetually pushes, word has it that I am rather HANDY at keeping secrets filed away. Yeah I know a head swollen this much from water and pride should naturally have a big mouth to match, but surprisingly it ‘aint’ true. Anyone who really knows me knows that all the holes in my face are for food consumption or storage only, and none are any good at all for singing or spilling my guts.

Oh don’t worry it’s not like I have a hidden sea-chest filled with long lost lurid legends of lust n’ lore . No the only C-bag souvenirs I lug around are securely strapped to my hip for all the world to see; or at least small enough to bury in any ol’ raggedy Samsonite carry-on with lopsided wheels and a flimsy handle.  I’ve always tried to travel light in life and choose the shiny tine of those road-forks with the least regrets, negative consequences, and still with some meat left on the bone – see, being raised by wolves DOES have its advantages.

Yep, I actually have only the one standard issue 206 piece hidden skeleton cooped up inside my sweaty pink coral-colored coat closet – who has the time for puzzles bigger than that anyway? The only real secrets that I try to carry are all the numbers my wife, bookie, and banks wish me to memorize. I can’t even remember my hat size or how many teeth I still have, much less some ‘wonder code’ the IRS and U.S. border agents insist I parrot back to them like a smarty-pants-less puppet.

So of course I must uncomfortably commit all of this data daily to tossable toilet paper, or at least to tattoo it backwards where only I or my accountant can see it with a mirror and a fancy flesh-flexing Finochietto spreader.  Anything written down (there) eventually must be shredded, chopped and diced more than a mincing ONION at a Hillbilly Ninja roast. The upside is that by New Years Eve I always have copious clumps of confidential confetti, but the downside is I’m still faced with another year to be riddled and REAMed by secret recyclables and tearing them up by HAND always makes me CRY!


12 comments:

  1. Hard to comment on Confetti, because the parades and
    parties I participated in were always for someone else.
    But what Confetti fell on me while looking up and with
    my mouth open could have tasted better if it was coconut.
    Hope the tears on yours dries so it doesn't taste too salty.

    .

    ReplyDelete
  2. Where are those retinal readers that they have in the movies? It'd be nice not to have to remember a hundred passwords.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Finochietto - new one for me. A rib spreader - ouch. That's deep digging if you need one of those.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am curious to find out what blog platform you happen
    to be using? I'm experiencing some minor security problems with my latest site and I'd like to find something more
    safe. Do you have any suggestions?

    Here is my webpage: coupons for huggies

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any issues with hackers?
    My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up
    losing many months of hard work due to no backup. Do you
    have any methods to protect against hackers?

    Stop by my web page ... cummins engine for sale

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi! I know this is kind of off-topic but I needed to ask.
    Does operating a well-established website like yours require a large amount of work?
    I am completely new to blogging however I
    do write in my diary daily. I'd like to start a blog so I can easily share my own experience and views online. Please let me know if you have any recommendations or tips for new aspiring bloggers. Thankyou!

    Feel free to visit my blog :: vera wang wedding shoes

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hi! I know this is kinda off topic but I was wondering which blog platform are you using for
    this site? I'm getting fed up of Wordpress because I've had issues with hackers
    and I'm looking at options for another platform. I would be awesome if you could point me in the direction of a good platform.

    Visit my blog - Coupons For Huggies

    ReplyDelete
  8. With havin so much written content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement?
    My site has a lot of exclusive content I've either authored myself or outsourced but it looks like a lot of it is popping it up all over the internet without my permission. Do you know any solutions to help stop content from being ripped off? I'd genuinely appreciate it.


    Review my page ... womens cargo pants
    My webpage :: dickies cargo pants

    ReplyDelete
  9. Greetingѕ from Floгida! I'm bored to death at work so I decided to check out your site on my iphone during lunch break. I love the information you provide here and can't waіt to takе a
    look when I get home. I'm shocked at how quick your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I'm not еvеn using WIFI,
    јust 3G .. Anyways, wοndeгful blog!


    Alѕo vіsіt my web site Electronic Cigarette Coupons

    ReplyDelete
  10. Howdy! I know this is kinda off topic however I'd figured I'd ask.
    Would you be interested in trading links or maybe guest writing a
    blog post or vice-versa? My blog covers a lot of the
    same subjects as yours and I feel we could greatly benefit from each other.
    If you might be interested feel free to send me an email.
    I look forward to hearing from you! Fantastic blog by the way!


    Also visit my website; vera wang shoes lavender label

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hey there! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and say
    I genuinely enjoy reading your articles. Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that cover the same subjects?
    Thanks for your time!

    My web-site: 7th grade math

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great website you have here but I was wanting to know if you knew of any message boards
    that cover the same topics discussed in this article?
    I'd really love to be a part of group where I can get feed-back from other knowledgeable individuals that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please let me know. Cheers!

    Feel free to surf to my site - printable diaper coupons

    ReplyDelete