Teeter Totter Math

I have to be honest, I was not too worried about the recent hurricane threat because who on earth has ever been beat up by somebody named ‘Sandy’. I mean even ‘Sanford & Son’s’ namesake, Fred would frequently wave his fist around and mouth off a bit,  but who actually saw him punch anyone. So why should I expect this big billowy blow-hard with a wimpy name to raise some cane this time around?

Anyway isn’t it a pre-requisite for everyone born in the warm waters near the Bahamas to be kind of laid-back, mellow and in a generally sleepy Caribbean Cannabis haze? I am not sure what happened when the bright bulb weather-geeks named this hurricane, but I would prefer if in the future they would find inspiration somewhere other than tough biker bars. Gee how about giving us a havoc heads-up, or at least a clue with a more appropriate ‘S’ name like  ‘Slash’, ‘Sue-nami’, or my personal favorite, ‘the Subjuganator’.

Aside from me being powerless (literally) to fend off this sandy jab from a weather crab, I was saddened to see that New Jersey was hit so hard too. Not only had I recently spent a nice couple of days there across from Manhattan, but I was really hoping to do some trick or treating in the garden state before the Governor cancelled Halloween! I wait all year to legitimately don my thriller of a ‘Goriller’ suit and chase kids in a high-brow high-rise and one stupid storm’s eye pokes me in mine. Yes  my monkeyshine whines are tiny as compared to the trials and tribulations of many after the weather has played a nasty trick this Fall. 

But despite my levity, from personal experience, no matter how low spirits go, it might take time but things will truly get better. There is never a proper name for pain or a good time for tests of mettle; but consider these moments as the counterweight to life’s joy on the other side of the equation. Without the lows, there can be no highs and despite the costs, losses, and challenges, life’s quirky teeter-totter math will eventually balance out in all things.  Just look at my newfound respect of everything ‘Sandy’ – I’ll never look at that irritating stuff between my toes and in my swim shorts the same way again!

Toughest modeling job ever!

I was watching my regular dose of morning news when an intriguing commercial caught my eye. I observed intently as high-fashion models confidently displayed the advertiser’s clothing line with poise and grace. What made these catwalk ‘fashionistas’ so unique was not only their … uh let’s put this ‘delicately’ - bulky waistlines, but the fact that their clothes took TWO models to show them off to their full advantage.

So who were these hard working oversized models? I really don’t know, but one thing is for sure – their high-heeled Mothers are parading them around and are indeed PREGNANT! Now it is one thing to choose your own career but quite another to pick your kid’s even before they leave the womb right? I mean, what if the kid wants to be an intrauterine ENT specialist or even a ditch-digger? Those are such ‘HOLELY’ diverse professions requiring far different skill-sets, from those that a brief 9 month long modeling intern(al)ship can provide.

I thought we had child LABOR laws in this country, because this has to be one of the hardest jobs ever for fetuses. You are kind of all curled up like a snail and your trying to get some rest, but then the music starts and those hot lights raise mom’s blood pressure slightly. As her heart beats a little faster, you too get a little more excited and issue a few celebratory kicks to shake off the grogginess. You secretly wonder if this is the job for you but let’s face it, given your surroundings, the current career options are rather limited and all really, REALLY gooey.

So if you happen to see a high-fashion commercial for maternity clothing, think about what is going on behind the scenes, or ‘inside them’ as it were. Somewhere under all that colorful garb and behind hot white lights, is a little fashion Diva awaiting to celebrate their very first birthday and ‘oh so fabulous’, Fashion week, runway curtain-call! Yes, you might have to slap them once, tell them to breathe, and no doubt, there will be some crying involved while swaddling. But in the end, after you wipe away all the make-up and fancy designer duds, everyone knows that ALL models, deep down, are just big babies!