What’s it all about SELFIE?

All the talk now on the news, clap-trap-yap TV, and mindless media programming is ‘Selfie’ this and ‘Selfie’ that, so much so I need a NAP! When I had more luscious locks and a gut that could stay stuffed in a shirt we called the EXACT same activity a ‘self-portrait’. I can’t even stand looking at myself or other vampires in mirrors now because if I see one more lifeless selfie I think I’m gonna’ be sick. 

Since we are sensitive to a more enlightened, politically correct world now why choose to popularize a term which discriminates against those who are unable to take moronic still photos of themselves? Frightened criminals , alcoholics with the D.T’s, and even some pizza employees might feel left out unless we call their personal photoshoots the ‘Shakey’s’. Of course clandestine spies should shun the term and practice all together but if they did ever take a shot in the dark they surely would prefer to call it a ‘Stealthy’.

Clearly like everything these days the more formal expression of language has been compacted small and made cuddly cute for incurious kids. I think society has become immune to any word that consists of more than one or two syllables and an occasional ‘grunt’ for comic emphasis while texting. I bet if we filled our planet full of apes even if they couldn’t speak, they would still bark, bellow, and slide their way through school as long as they had a CELLfie camera phone.

As my brain gets moldier, nuttier, and more mellow like Brie cheese, it would be better to note my self-portrait’s as a ‘Softee’ instead of ‘Selfie’ anyway. Oh sure I know that moniker is not too flattering for most men but for me it’s the most positive self-reflection I can ever hope for. You see it beat’s the only other obvious option of ‘Stinkee’ since ‘Scrawny’ I’m afraid is still about 100 pounds out of the question. 

Strange bathroom bedfellows

Except for the kitchen, I would guess our home’s bathrooms are just about the most important places we can occupy. Oh sure a comfy bed is important but I can sleep almost anywhere when I sweep the peanut shells away. But after I’ve jostled that gut-harbored chili dog in the car all day or just double chugged a 2 liter bottle of soda , that white-tiled echo chamber is my true sanctuary.

Of course the odd things you find in a bathroom are not all organic. I recently found my wife’s freakish pairing of technology in a nail clipper with a tiny built-in light and a giant magnifying glass. While I understand that along with Ol’ Susanna, we geezers in training have been around the bend a few times, I have to be honest, I don’t want to see any giant toe parts and ‘3D’ finger nails all 'sunshiny' bright in my face’!

Can somebody also explain to me the allure of having nose tissues with built-in goo in them? These ‘Puff’ brand facial tissues seem to be very proud of the fact that they have some kind of lotion woven inside the tissue fabric. Gee, silly me - I thought the whole purpose of Kleenix was to get the wet stuff off my nose, not put it on?

Finally, the showers in my house have phones built-in to the wall. I am not sure why this was a good idea originally but doesn’t everyone think that Ma Bell is all wet? Even assuming that I WANT to take down a message while washing my hair, I never can find anywhere to stick my pencil!

Smartphones are an Oxymoron

I faced a genuine dilemma this week. No maybe it was not on the level of import like having half of the entire population of Chile trapped underground in a mine, but it was still a big deal to me. You see my TracFone annual subscription was coming due in THREE DAYS. Since I have seen a marked increase in my I.Q. as of late, I had to decide whether to keep my elementary TracFone, or ‘move-up’ to a ‘smarter’ phone for brainy folks like me, who can drive,text, and chew gum at the same time.

I currently use an ancient, tiny but mighty Nokia 1100, which is literally the most popular cell phone ever produced. Basically the thing does what any good cell phone should do – makes and receives calls/texts reliably, built to bulletproof standards, and oh yeah, features a ‘coolio’ on-board flashlight!

The problem is of course all about cost. You see I am not without experience on these high-end Smarty phones. I get the privilege to pay for an Iphone contract with AT&T but my costly spawn, off at college gets to use it. The phones are impressive indeed, but $80 a month (which equates to about 8 months of my Tracfone cost) is a pretty penny for a device which if you sneeze on it without a waterproof case, it will fail. I always feel my kid worries more about protecting the phone rather than herself and therefore she's often compelled to leave that dumb 'smartphone' at home. Who can risk sophisticated electronics to the caustic environment of ‘jogging’ and getting the phone ‘sweaty’, sitting by the pool, or sitting on the sand?

So tell me, who is the smart one now - the one who controls how and when they use their electronic tools, or the ‘oxyMORON’ who is relentlessly CONTROLLED by those same ultra-smart tools? I too would love the ‘look at me’ sophistication of a cell phone with an on-board GPS, nifty camera, and sleek styling that lets everyone know how truly intelligent and chic my hot, trendy ‘Smartphone’ makes me. But since they don’t make those fancy phones that ‘smart’ after all, I decided to ‘re-up’ with my economical, ‘do anything’, ‘go anywhere’, rawhide tough TracFone Nokia … and did I mention, it has a really keen built-in flashlight!

My phony STRING theory

I honestly don’t get all of these cell phone company commercials. Every week it seems that there are a litany of new cell phones out on the market with catchy one syllable names. Everything now is the fast, succinct, and high-tech sounding DROID, BOLD, or PRE. And yes I am well aware of the two syllable ’I-Phone’ and the up and comer ‘G-phone’ by Google too. It’s just who keeps buying all these phones since I thought literally everyone on the planet had a cell already?

I went into a Radio Shack today looking for a simple, normally-open, alarm contact switch. I’ll give you the first guess as to what I found at ‘the Shack’, and though ‘alarming’, their stock had NOTHING to do with 'ham' or alarm parts! If you guessed ‘more cell phones’ you must be a mind reader, or an inventory analyst for the ghost of Tandy past. I mean half the real estate in this dumpy strip store was dedicated to cell phones, MP3 noise-toys, and their associated clips, cases, batteries, and accessories?

Now honestly I have nothing against cell phones and trendy consumer electronics; in fact they can come in quite handy at times. But at what point do we stand up and call the Center for Disease Control and stop this cellular virus from it’s societal onslaught? You think I’m nuts, but today it’s one of my old favorite haunts, Radio Shack being transformed. But tomorrow it may be YOUR Starbucks, a local hair salon, or heaven forbid, even your Post Office that will be filled with robotic ‘POD’ salespeople!

Oh my gosh, I am sorry to be so insensitive and scare you. I admit I have never crossed over to the dark side and become a power cell-phone fanatic. In fact, come to think of it, I am not really much of a land-line fanatic either? It is probably because nobody these days has bothered to come up with a, catchy n’ sexy, one-syllable brand-name for wired phones. I’m thinking of marketing the iconic brand name ‘STRING’ – as the coolest ‘next generation’, wired phone alternative to boring ‘old fashioned ‘ cell technology. If all goes to plan, Google will buy me out before my hot new land-line phones take over the market. Naturally they will re-brand the phones as the ‘G-string’!

Half man – Half Chimp

You know to be a hard-hitting journalist you have to cover the tough stories no matter where they are or what kind of personal sacrifice is required. I’m really lazy and fortunately I don’t know any OCD newsies like that. The level of mental mettle and acuity to write the ‘Monoblogs’ is akin more to the inside of a jelly donut rather than real work. Still, there are those stories that have tested me to the core, and like with any housebound bad puppy, they usually happen when my wife has left me alone for a weekend or similar EXTENDED period of time.

On one such occasion, the wife was spending your tax money aboard an Ohio class Trident SSBN submarine, trying to solve a particularly irritating navigational gyro issue for the Navy. This of course left me to my own devices for more than a week unchecked. At our wedding, when they handed over the keys to my heart (as well as the restraints), my parents sufficiently warned my wife, that this was a bad idea.

Oh sure my wife called me nightly on the phone and along with the obligatory niceties and mundane work re-cap, she would always profess her desire to get home as quickly as possible, but I knew better. I clearly had been abandoned for the uniformed lure of those dapper military swabbies . There was no way a lumbering bulky-hulk of flesh like myself could compete, without resorting to drastic measures to prove my undying spousal devotion. So without hesitation or care for what others might think, I simply STOPPED SHAVING for the entire 10 days my wife was away on assignment.

Hey , I know it was a bit rash and over the top but these were NAVY submariners I was up against, not some ’flighty’ Air Force dudes or those ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ Army grunts. As shocking as my testosterone-driven, primal act might seem, the truth is you don’t know the half of it. My sudden and seemingly rebellious ‘follicle farming’, was in fact only to grow on the ‘right half’ of my face, because I continued to shave diligently on the left. Since my teens, I had sprouted a full mustache as well, so I hacked off the left side of it too - perfectly parting it under the center of my nose.

Beyond the pure enjoyment of shaking up social norms and expectations, for my wife and all who dared to ask, there was a sincere ‘message to my madness’ . Yes, my brainy ‘grey batter’ had blended an explanatory batch of bonafide insanity, with just a palpable hint of smarmy cheese. So at the airport, when my wife asked incredulously “What were you thinking?”, I smiled my brightest half-shaven ‘chimp-squint’ and simply replied “I’m merely HALF a man, when you’re away”.

I need a GPS fix

I honestly am a GPS junkie but on the verge of an overdose. I love those little satellite suckers especially since they are now easier to use than the machines of the first couple of generations. It is also would be kind of nice if they could actually get me to where I want to go without confusion. That however, still is a tall order for not only the talking black boxes, but for my graying brain matter as well.

Now don’t get me wrong, moving through life would be FAR WORSE without satellite navigation. But I just wish that the map companies that build the databases were as interested in providing accurate maps as they are in getting recurring fees for map updates. Also as soon as I get my nifty new $100 software update, somebody in the highway department never gets the memo. So of course, hundreds of men in orange hats and vests flow onto the roads and start moving things around. I think it is some sort of conspiracy to sell more GPS maps and more orange cones.

I don’t know about you but I am still not happy with the computer voice in my GPS either? I think the British Company Tom Tom offers add-on celebrity voices to help guide your car around town. It’s not bad enough to be yelled at by an annoying and confusing computer voice so now we have to add the muddled ramblings of a British actor to the mix? Why not have the thing bark at me in Klingon while you’re at it or better yet just ‘Tase’ me – I’m sure the Trekkies will be BEAMING with excitement at the mere thought.

At last count, I own an amazing 8 GPS units (not including cell phones) all of which are absolutely fantastic and amazingly irritating in their own way. Some are just for cars, some are for aviation, one is for running, and another is for hiking. I use them all, but each still confuses me at times. None of their mapped locations ever matches exactly where my house REALLY is. When I’m driving, they either don’t talk enough and I will take a wrong turn or they badger me endlessly, so you guessed it – I still make a wrong turn. The bottom line is with old fashioned maps I’d get lost too but with GPS navigation at least I EVENTUALLY get to the right place. So I guess I really am a GPS addict. Fortunately as long as that constellation of satellites keeps loitering around empty space, like the brain in my skull, I will always be able to get a FIX!

Tangled Wire Tango

I have come to accept that we all live in a wired world. Even with a cell phone in every pocket and a WIFI McDonalds on every corner, life still runs mostly on wires, cables, and a lot of pulled strings. Now the wild ways of wires, like dancing, confounds me a bit. Because no matter where I am or what wired thing I am using, it will always get TANGLED.

Ok, mock me if you want, but think about it a minute. Have you ever pulled out a pair of headphones to your phone or computer and then set them down even for a microsecond? They will instantly come up in a tangled mess. This is especially true of those ultra-light tiny ear buds. If you accidently move or swing them carelessly, they will TWIST and WRAP faster than ‘Chubby Checker’ and ‘Lil Kim’ in a tetherball tourney.

In my entire life I have never mastered how to dance with the desk-phone handset’s coiled wire, yet keep it from twisting back on itself like an irritating ball of amorous snakes. I cannot remember how often I have gone to answer the phone and that now short coiled ‘rats-nest’ pulls the WHOLE stupid phone to the floor. Vacuum cords try to help with that convenient clip that lets you take off the whole handful of looped power cord at once. But again as soon as you start to tug on that pack, it will bind and pull the whole vac over before the plug reaches the wall outlet.

Outside there are a host of things that may not be wires technically but they are functionally just as prone to the tangling two-step. No matter how I try to cast or reel in fishing line, it will find a way to bunch up on the reel in knots. To make matters worse the line’s slimy and will drag up some fungi or other random flotsam to ensure dirty dancing and complicate recovery. Hose reels, Pressure washers, extension cords, cable, string, and even CHAIN – you name it … all of them are out to get me and will coyly test my coiling cognition. So until wireless TRULY takes over the world, WIRED life will still rule the roost. However, speaking as one who frequently trots in lock step to the ‘tangled tango’, I can assure you my dance card is full!

Technology Jaw Droppers

I read a statistic the other day that better than 90% of U.S. residents possess a cell phone. Now isn’t that an amazing number? I did a quick check of Wikipedia and the astounding thing about cell phones is that as of 2007, nearly 61% of the WORLD’S population of 7 billion people, now own a cell phone. Take a second to grab onto that number. Anywhere you go, the odds are that any random person has a cell phone and if he doesn’t the person or two next to him most certainly will. I think the oddest thing about my brief search was that while Bangladesh, Azerbaijan, and Lebanon were at around 31% cell phone saturation among their respective populations, Egypt was a mere 23%.

I am also amazed at my newest laptop. No it is not that big of deal as our family seems to go through one every other year or so. But this round, my local Micro Center delivered an eMachines with wide screen, 2 gigs of ram, a DVD burner, and 160 gig hard drive & WINDOWS 7 for $299. I even saw a discounted similar machine at Best Buy in limited quantities with a $30 rebate last week for $239. Now I complain a lot about incremental taxation as our local and Federal government keep taking a penny here and a half cent there. But I am starting to wonder where can these computer prices go when they are closing in on a $200 price point. It is getting hard to imagine how there is any profit left already when you think of production, warehousing, shipping, software licensing, and retailing.

My final jaw dropper probably won’t surprise most of you but it did me. I understand that Facebook released numbers this week stating they had exceeded their 400 millionth account. I was pondering that statistic as compared to the entire population of the United States of 308 million people. Can you imagine just the storage space required to house all of those pictures and data, not to mention the server banks to process your account requests in a timely fashion. I am beginning to think I am missing out on something by not facing up to Facebook after all these years?

No, I can’t handle anymore jaw dropping excitement that Facebook might provide. I have more than enough on my plate just participating as one of a 100 million or so blogs dotting the globe and I am determined to leave a comment on each of them. Maybe a Twitter text would be a little more efficient? I heard that a couple of years ago, our texting proclivities had exceeded 1 TRILLION messages in a single year. No wonder I am getting tired of writing this post – that’s an awful lot of typing. }:O - LOL !