Friday, March 25, 2011

Seeing Red

Unfortunately, since I have found myself staring at a lot of car rear-ends lately I am getting feverish, frustrated, and a serious case of ‘metal-envy’. No I’ve not gone mad for stop-light ‘BOOTy’ or even got all that angry actually; it’s probably just the bloodshot eyes that are making me delightfully whiney and seeing red. Yes, the allure of driving was fun 30 years ago when I had a one- track mind, but these days piloting a motor car seems to be just a distraction from all the stuff that I am really good at. Given my work history, sadly that must mean I am an excellent and attentive driver.

Unlike humans, automobiles born today essentially all look, smell and behave much the same. Cars may all be branded, colored, and sized differently but just like sugary candy and cough-drops, too much has got to be a BAD thing. I bet if I look underneath all of the stupid modern cars, next to their ‘Fruit of the Loomies’ they will actually have ‘Jelly Belly’-button logos imprinted on them. Whatever happened to cars with real angled metal parts, beltless seats, chrome, and oh I don’t know just for fun - some personality? I don’t need no ‘steenking’ safety stuff – the only airbag in my car should be ME - after a jumbo burrito brunch.

Maybe it is the four rubber wheel thing that is throwing me off? Would it be so bad to mount a ‘lazy susan’ or two under a car or at least a pair of tank treads to try ANYTHING different? Even fish happily embrace a little diversity just to break up the boring bubbles every now and then. How else could you explain the Marty Feldman good looks of the hammerhead shark or those ‘suckers’ of the sea – the octopus.

Hey it’s not like I’m asking for much. I know cars won’t grow fins, swim, or sprout wings to fly anytime soon. I’m no dummy – according to that minty fresh Scope’s trial, stuff like that might take ions to evolve. But before turning hopelessly pruney, I would like for once to sit in traffic and stare at something other than a monotone boring box adorned in RED lights. Oops, sorry – I apparently got distracted AGAIN by my oversized in-dash radio and ‘heavy metal’ 8-track player.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Mixed Messages

This has been a tough week for mirth. My brand of blogging is at its best when poking fun at myself or observing absurdity in others in their daily lives. Obviously the Japanese calendar has not been kind recently as both of my sources of ‘fuel’ have been, to say the least, in short supply. I mean even that dumb parrot from the Aladdin movie got fired (or is it ‘gott FRIED’) for being tasteless. Trust me, when frying up parrots, poor taste is not at all that unusual because it’s like the old adage, they DO taste just like ‘CRACKER’.

My first REAL job out of college was with Ricoh Corporation, a giant Japanese multinational corporation. Except for ‘inventory time’, I loved nearly every minute of that work and the people that made the company great. My cadre of ‘handlers’ took great pride in trying to temper my American-bred individualism, intuition, and wide-eyed youth with the methodically measured steel of a Ninja’s best business practice. Sadly my bosses failed miserably, because at the end of my tenure, my golf handicap was barely in the teens and even after two years of night school, my Japanese was still only ‘short bus’ worthy. At the end of the day however, my Japanese counterparts and I DID truly understand and value each other’s respective ways in dealing DIFFERENTLY, with the same problems.

So given my self-indulgent resume, you might now better appreciate my comfort in speaking with compassion, criticism, and comedy all about the same tragic set of circumstances in Japan. The sheer loss of life and family toil repeated a thousand-fold across the country would bring even the hardest boiled egg down to his over-easy knees. No, there is nothing funny about the futility of dropping thimbles of water or shooting a fire truck squirt gun on a raging wildfire. Is Japan not the country with the most robots per capita in the entire world? You would think if that obnoxious bald dude and his handlebar mustachioed Mythbuster buddy can rig ANYTHING with a remote control, then Japan’s best and brightest could do so with a pumper truck or two as well?

I think the whole water option thing has been well tried and tested though since in great measure after the shaking stopped, isn't that the stuff that started this whole mess? It’s time to move on to the serious fire extinguishing alternatives like Mentos and Diet Coke fountains or jello and whipped cream. It also snows quite often in Northern Japan, which rumor has it is just as icy cold and wet as good old fashioned North American snow. You would think we could just set-up a couple of big circus tarps and funnel the white stuff onto the hot parts just like powdered sugar on a fairground-fresh fried Twinkie.

So the moral of this story is in times of unimaginable stress, feel free to mix-up your messages. You can cry, grieve, pray, and try harder than you have ever tried before. You can curse bad luck and praise good fortune, but do what feels right for you regardless of convention. Rarely solutions and solitude are born of political correctness and self flagellation. The Japanese know first-hand that in life, bad things unexpectedly will happen and try to test you. No matter how dark the night seems or how cold the wind blows, sometimes you just have to reach deep, re-group, and throw down the gloves to simply LAUGH in the face of pain – no matter how much it hurts.

Friday, March 11, 2011

‘Cents-less’ Financial Opportunity

In these tough times wouldn’t it be nice if somebody sent you out a random notice that you will receive 3.5 million dollars or more in cash for little effort. Amazingly I seem to get emails nearly every week from incredibly generous people. I frankly did not know finance managers from so many far away countries had that much extra cash stored up in their bunkers or under their beds. Apparently the citizens of the good ol’ U.S. of A. must really be flat broke, because I never get any letters like these addressed from the States.

Now I like the idea of a tasty limitless easy-money trough just like any average union boss, but clearly I’m no big shot Warren Buffet. Still all these attractive offers to accept large sums of cash for barely any work does make me hungry to get involved with big business and high finance. I have spent a long time perfecting the art of laziness and I like to help people so maybe I should get in on the ground floor of this chain letter financial opportunity.

The problem is I don’t really have much business acumen since the wife takes care of balancing the checkbook and filling up my tip jar with a weekly allotment of wooden nickels. I’m not sure how much I could afford to offer up to overseas chain-letter recipients to cash my checks anyway. Most people I know have long ago shunned my checks since they are pre-printed on rubber and in a delightful shade of ‘stop sign-red'ink. Maybe instead, my chain letter should offer up the chance to use my ATM card to retrieve those big commissions while moving millions in untapped cash. Oh I forgot that won’t work either since I have been banned from the ATM drive-up and I have a kid in college. Clearly, my keg of cash is already happily tapped and well drained.

Truly it sounds like the bank will probably discourage me from this chain letter financial adVENTURE anyway. No it’s not my ultra-slow transaction times or the fact that I take not one, but TWO cookies and a cup of coffee in the lobby. The bank will surely FROWN upon this activity but when making a deposit, I can’t help but make faces back at them too in those nosy little teller-window cameras. Uh Oh, I’m well on my way to yet another financial opportunity. I had better stock up on those bank cookies and candy because it’s obvious that the BIG sucker being lobbed out of the lobby clearly has no CENTS!

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Spring has sprung!

Maybe it is wishful thinking but after one of the worst winters in memory, I actually enjoyed nearly two weeks of very comfortable weather. Since I spent a good portion of my adult life in the Golden State before descending on the Midwest, we refer to these mild, sunny days as ‘California weather’. Secretly I call really smoggy days that same thing too, but laid-back n’ loopy Californians don’t really mind. Nothing there is ever right or wrong or black and white – just a varied palette of colorful shades of gray.

That got me thinking about what weather characteristics I might associate with some of the other states in my travels. I guess Washington state and Oregon would equate to damp fog mostly? I can’t say it has rained on me every day I have visited, but most anytime I cross the state line into these places, I start to feel clammy. That is a good thing when you hit the beach in search of clams, but the rest of the time, it just makes me want to double up on my Depends.

Pretty much the dutch oven trifecta of America is Arizona, Nevada, and New Mexico. I can always count on these states when I get the urge to fry eggs and roadkill on any old strip of vacant sun-baked highway. Except for about two days in December, these places literally can suck the spittle right out of you. I do enjoy the desert though, since you never need a hair dryer and except for the cacti, nobody worries about water weight gain. The irony here of course is that in all my visits to Denver, Chicago, New York, and Saint Louis , the only airport that I have been snowed in was … you guessed it , NEW MEXICO (but only for 2 days in December).

Pretty much any of the Eastern seaboard states have greeted me with a big bag of wind. It is not always a cold blow, but rarely have I touched my tootsies in the waters from Massachusetts to Florida without discovering rich mineral deposits or even full-sized sand castles in all of my personal nooks and crannies. Hmmm, it seems that not only Spring has ‘sprung’ in my brain but clearly my frontal lobe-bone is off its rocker too?. Fortunately I already live in the Midwest and everyone knows that our weather here is really REALLY CRAZY!

Friday, February 25, 2011

The cardboard ‘Stare master’

I stopped by the market to pick-up some calories in hopes to maintain my girlish Mac truck-like figure. Oh I know you thought fat grows on trees, but no, I can tell you first-hand that it has to be nurtured, cultivated, and honed on the bone to find ones ultimate Twinkie nirvana. As I grabbed one of those big grocery wheelie carts of latticed plastic, I noticed a woman staring at me. Now I don’t mind the attentions of a female just like the next hot-blooded monkey, but in my past experience, when the ‘double X-set” become fixated in a glazed gaze, it usually means trouble and makes me a tad unnerved.

Did I have an enemy ‘bogie’ between my bicuspids, or worse yet some other nasty foreign BODY hanging defiantly to my all-American one? The latter would have been likely far worse than any old chunk of ground cow or stringy asparagus doing gymnastics from my Dentyne-white ‘chew hole’. Fortunately, my tender ego was never tested since upon a comedic double-take, it turned out that the girl who could not take her eyes of me was NOT even breathing. Whew – crisis averted!

Yes stuck to my cart was some kind of real estate lady’s big giant head emblazoned upon a glossy placard with an oddly penetrating stare and Chia-pet hair. Far worse, was that her cloned noggin and ‘evil-eyes’ were not only glued to my cart, but on to every other basket in the store and parking lot too. I’m not sure I would want to see this woman even once in real life, much less go grocery shopping with her every day?

The last thing I need is some clingy real estate woman hanging around and second-guessing all the frozen and pre-packaged foods that I buy. “You know frozen peas and tortilla chips don’t sell houses … what’s needed is a hint of refreshing cinnamon, a welcoming bowl of cherries, and a healthy hand of bananas to close the deal”. Hey, I know I should consume more fresh fruit and veggies, but honestly who comes to a supermarket to learn to eat better from a cardboard sales lady with hypnotic eyes? If I truly want to stay healthy, I had better avoid the grocery temptations altogether and simply opt for the other STAIRMASTER at home!