A REALLY Big Wheel

You know technology has come a long way since the advent of the wheel. I get frustrated like everyone else with traffic and cars, especially when I need to get somewhere and the rest of the world doesn’t. At one point in our lives we got a unicycle to practice on while chewing gum, because you never know when vaudeville acts will be the next BIG thing. We never mastered the thing but every day I tried, it made me thankful that most of the time, multi-wheeled transportation is my preferred cup of tea.

Now don’t start calling me piggish for using so many resources just to buy a slab of bacon and an afternoon Slurpee at 7-11. I still ride bikes once in awhile and the top half of me always enjoys it. In fact, if I don’t have to ride with fanatics who dress in bright neon spandex and ride 50 miles per day at a full clip, even the lower half of my body enjoys bicycling. The problem is that apparently that big rump roast right in the middle, has a mind of its own. Apparently it does not appreciate that skinny little seat wedging itself into my ‘tenderloin’ to ‘STEAK’ its claim.

Now I do not think I’m alone in this complaint because even thin people and more experienced riders complain too. If these bicycle seats are so great why don’t they mount them on motorcycles or in the ‘coach’ section on airplanes? I did ride a 90cc motorcycle once around college but given my ‘Yeti’ physique, it was mostly a necessity to keep up with my wife’s 49cc moped. I have piloted much larger motorcycles on exactly two other occasions and within 5 or 10 minutes both times, helpful strangers had to pick up the bikes off of me so I could continue on my journey. This makes for very slow going when trying to get to work with un-shredded clothing, or bring back home that frosty Slurpee collector’s cup undamaged.

So given my extraordinary ability to learn quickly as well as my coordination, I was never accepted into NASA’s ‘Wheel-o’ training program, but as a consolation they did call me a ‘space cadet’. Yes, I was left back on earth to operate only terrestrial vehicles with more than two wheels, and occasionally those ‘carny’ rides with my tattooed prison mates. Someday, I kind of would like to try and drive a ‘hybrid’ vehicle too - you know the ones, with the fuel economy of a motorcycle, the seating capacity of a car, and the passing speed of a bike. In the 70’s they had already invented that perfect hybrid so go HERE if you want to see it. My wife sent me this clip to taunt me since it reminded her of our typical trips to the Mall together – atop our ultra high-tech BIG WHEEL!