Thursday, August 12, 2010

Sneezing etiquette at bodily functions

You know I admit it, I was never much good at all those integral equations and fancy math derivations, but as functions go, I have really come to rather enjoy sneezing and other bodily ‘duties’. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no bird flu enthusiast or ‘home-blown’ terrorist. Nobody appreciates a watery-eyed coughing fit or humidity flinging sneeze, while sitting in the middle of a ‘PEW’ at church. No these are the orifice-arts which are best practiced at home, alone, ‘under the covers’ of darkness.

Regular run-of-the-mill sneezing in particular always yields amazing satisfaction for me. There is just something about that comical, second or two of build-up and then the convulsive release of atomized pleasure. I would have to see it on instant replay, but I assume my mouth draws open like a cave, my head tilts back, and my head recoils akin to a firing a 12 gauge shotgun. I don’t know for sure, but I think maybe all of the earth’s air currents are actually created by people sneezing the world over.

I think an interesting physics experiment would be to go on that ‘zero G’ airplane ride with a can of pepper. Once I experience zero gravity and begin to float, I want to suck up some pepper and sneeze a mighty blow to see if I would bounce off the inside of that airplane like a pinball? Although Newton’s second law would seem to indicate that I would, I am not sure if ol’ Newt-y allowed for the variable of Triscuit cracker FOD (aeronautical term: ‘foreign object debris’) in his calculations. Yes, chip and cracker ‘spew’ can quickly turn all laws of motion into chaos, as an innocently pleasant sneeze quickly turns into a runaway nightmare, right ‘under your nose’.

Despite the horrors of an unbridled explosive sneeze, it is far worse to suppress the things and let them sneak up behind your sinuses and the back of your eyes. Cartoon steam will come out your ears, your eyes will start to water, and you have the unique pleasure of actually smelling whatever you were eating for a SECOND time. I also hate the ‘no-blow’ in which no matter how much sneeze-effort you put forth, ’NOPE springs eternal’. If you stop the conversation with a wind-up toward a sneeze and then never deliver, that is the anatomical equivalent of a ‘balk’ by a baseball pitcher. That’SNOT acceptable sneeze-etiquette, so before you engage in ‘nasal warfare’ at your next bodily function, be mindful of your mucous and don’t blow it – THROW IT!


  1. This is hilarious. My hubby just doesn't get why I actually enjoy a good sneeze every now and then.

    The build up and release is kinda like......

    oh never mind.

  2. Great stuff! When I sneeze, I really, really let it rip!