Can somebody explain to me what nature’s plan was for these crazy hairs that grow out of my ears, nose, and eyebrows? Now I don’t remember these stiff wiry clown hairs when I was a kid and you’d think back then, I should have still had enough ‘hot and fresh’ brain cells to remember? So why now does my DNA decide to pull forward to my drive-up window, and sneak in an extra large order for these freakish follicles?
Now I am not too vain. As I get older I have willingly looked past a few extra crow’s feet in addition to the scrawny pair I stand on. I accept a little extra face flapping when I belly up to the jet blast of airplane, or skydive without the liberal application of duct tape reinforcement along the jowls. But these hairs – why me? Who deserves to start growing screwy side burns and a brow-line briar patch as soon as the top turns a tad frosty?
Now what gets me is that these weird hairs are not content to just grow in a normal, organized, linear fashion, like the rest of my tight-napped crown. No these hyper things grow like they are jazzed up on a bad mix of Red Bull and Turkish Espresso. They bend and fold back upon themselves until I’ve got a fresh crop of paper clips sprouting from my ears.
Oh well I had better get used to nature’s syndicated sit-com called old age because I think my hair troubles are just the beginning of this tired old-man circus. I’m going to try my best to resist, but my knees creak, my vision’s weak, and my hairy widow’s peaked! Don’t worry, the news isn’t all bleak – at least for now, I don’t seem to INVOLUNTARILY leak!